I am a 30 year old man. 15 years ago I experienced an Internet chat that forever changed my life. To many, the experience sounds funny, it's pathetic really, its' weak. I was in a teen chat room chatting when some person began sending me dirty chats. At the time this was in the late 1990's and I really didn't know I could just, "close" the window or block them. I'm slow, I guess. The person revealed he was an older guy (so not a teen in a teen chat room) and pretty much started talking in gay chat. It was a gay dad 4 son theme and at first I was like, "nah come on man, I'm not into this and I was laughing it off", but as I kept reading what he wrote I became aroused and shockingly and terrifyingly got off on the chat.
To put things in perspective, I had just finished looking at adult porn at the time not too long after that experience. My adult porn choices before that were always of women, but then it was like a switch. At the end of the chat, the man told me of an internet chat room on a network I already frequented. I went to check it out because I was curious about my own sexual response and found myself engaged obsessively in similar chats. I in a nutshell went down a dark isolated hole where I would be doing these chats through the years and didn't know what to make of it. I questioned my identity sexually, I went off too college but was promiscuous and drank a lot in hopes to validate the opposite from this experience.
The story doesn't stop there. In fact I fast forwarded to my late teens and early twenties without telling you that at 15, I met a man on one of those chats talking about computers. At the time I was in trouble with the law because, well, *gasp*, I burglarized two homes thinking that I could get something from them to help my families situation with my Dad's hospital bills, you see ( I don't want the sympathy ) my pops had a stroke I witnessed at 14 and saved his life even though he would never be able to speak or walk again.
At 15 I was in juvenile hall and at 15-16 I was running away with some dude on a deal to get my GED and work for his start-up computer company. Sadly the guy helped me tremendously because who knows where I'd be if I "stuck" out my current situation which may have been much more jail time given my weed smoking and bad behavior. I met the guy on the same chat room of that first chat.
The guy never did anything to me sexually and genuinely helped me out. It carried the embarrassment though because he was a gay male and I did meet him on that chat room. After 2 years of working at his company I quit and moved. I went to school, I worked jobs, etc. But the trauma of the experience was always there and I could never talk to anyone about it because you know, I didn't want people to judge me as gay when I never before that experience thought I wasn't. I was deeply conflicted.
But the thing is, the chat lasts forever because it was the first sexual experience I had that went all the way. Before I did things like fingering, cuddling up, etc... But never was it with any guy. The experience had me questioning my sexual identity to the max in circular fashion with porn, with real life, with everything, and this was just an online sexual chat. It was tough.
Years ago (early-mid twenties) I went to reveal the experience to my Mom and my half-aunt. Neither had anything to offer. My Mom said, "I went to one extreme to the next". My half-aunt started talking about herself. I thought, "well that was pointless".
The thing that lingers now is it still exists in my mind. I spent several years in therapy after my Dad passed away from CPTSD and PTSD. While he was alive I was diagnosed with, "depression". I worked through a lot of that, but the damage, and wreckage from that one chat was pretty monumental that I had to live with the anxiety and questioning on top of the stuff I already been through and its like I can never forget and move on.
Anyhow thanks for reading. I just wanted to share my story in a good place. It's hard to find an outlet for that stuff. You just don't bring it up. Even though desperately you need to talk about it. I wish I could just make it never happen. The shame, the anger, the confusion, the breakdown. Just from one stupid chat. And its not like I was physically raped or molested, its just it was a digital rape, it was like having locked in syndrome.
To put things in perspective, I had just finished looking at adult porn at the time not too long after that experience. My adult porn choices before that were always of women, but then it was like a switch. At the end of the chat, the man told me of an internet chat room on a network I already frequented. I went to check it out because I was curious about my own sexual response and found myself engaged obsessively in similar chats. I in a nutshell went down a dark isolated hole where I would be doing these chats through the years and didn't know what to make of it. I questioned my identity sexually, I went off too college but was promiscuous and drank a lot in hopes to validate the opposite from this experience.
The story doesn't stop there. In fact I fast forwarded to my late teens and early twenties without telling you that at 15, I met a man on one of those chats talking about computers. At the time I was in trouble with the law because, well, *gasp*, I burglarized two homes thinking that I could get something from them to help my families situation with my Dad's hospital bills, you see ( I don't want the sympathy ) my pops had a stroke I witnessed at 14 and saved his life even though he would never be able to speak or walk again.
At 15 I was in juvenile hall and at 15-16 I was running away with some dude on a deal to get my GED and work for his start-up computer company. Sadly the guy helped me tremendously because who knows where I'd be if I "stuck" out my current situation which may have been much more jail time given my weed smoking and bad behavior. I met the guy on the same chat room of that first chat.
The guy never did anything to me sexually and genuinely helped me out. It carried the embarrassment though because he was a gay male and I did meet him on that chat room. After 2 years of working at his company I quit and moved. I went to school, I worked jobs, etc. But the trauma of the experience was always there and I could never talk to anyone about it because you know, I didn't want people to judge me as gay when I never before that experience thought I wasn't. I was deeply conflicted.
But the thing is, the chat lasts forever because it was the first sexual experience I had that went all the way. Before I did things like fingering, cuddling up, etc... But never was it with any guy. The experience had me questioning my sexual identity to the max in circular fashion with porn, with real life, with everything, and this was just an online sexual chat. It was tough.
Years ago (early-mid twenties) I went to reveal the experience to my Mom and my half-aunt. Neither had anything to offer. My Mom said, "I went to one extreme to the next". My half-aunt started talking about herself. I thought, "well that was pointless".
The thing that lingers now is it still exists in my mind. I spent several years in therapy after my Dad passed away from CPTSD and PTSD. While he was alive I was diagnosed with, "depression". I worked through a lot of that, but the damage, and wreckage from that one chat was pretty monumental that I had to live with the anxiety and questioning on top of the stuff I already been through and its like I can never forget and move on.
Anyhow thanks for reading. I just wanted to share my story in a good place. It's hard to find an outlet for that stuff. You just don't bring it up. Even though desperately you need to talk about it. I wish I could just make it never happen. The shame, the anger, the confusion, the breakdown. Just from one stupid chat. And its not like I was physically raped or molested, its just it was a digital rape, it was like having locked in syndrome.
