Can You Respect Your Abusive Parents?

[Whitebird]

Once my therapist told me if you don't respect your father ( my abuser ) and mother then you can't respect anyone.
By respect he doesn't mean I should be kind with him or care about him or something. He means I should talk to him ( my father ) in a good manner and set boundaries in an appropriate way, but I can't be assertive with him. I am usually aggressive or passive towards him.

I don't want to be like my abuser. I want to be a good person, but it is very difficult for me to respect the person who ruins my life.

What is your opinion? Do you respect your abusive parents?

P.S. In my culture respect for older people specially your parents is very important.

 

[Friday]

I have a rather healthy respect for vipers.

It doesn't mean I enjoy them, or seek out their company, or emulate their slithery venomous ways. It also doesn't mean I fear them.

Respect. It's an interesting term. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[Tanishq]

No, I don't respect my parents because whatever they did was no good at all. Respect is earned. My parents never give others respect where it is due. Yes, it is same in my culture, to respect elder. I respect good elders.

I think there are kinds of respect. I can respect parent's success, but their parenting. Sorry to say it has no class.

I can respect people from this site,too.

Yes, if you stay with abuser you might pick up their traits unconsciously. I understand where you are coming from Whitebird.

Edit: I disgaree with your therapist. You can respect people even if you can't respect parents who are bad.

 

[anonymous]

I don't believe in respect for the sake of respect. I don't believe in respect because it is the culturally or socially acceptable thing to do. I don't believe in respect purely based on age. Age is not a personal quality. I would ask your therapist what personal qualities he thinks you should be respecting in your parents?

 

[Digz]

I guess if I was to put it as succinctly as possible - no.
I understand it is cultural, but even cultural respect for elders and parents, in my opinion, shouldn't include an abuser.
You should be able to get your anger out and let him know what his abuse has done to you and what pain it has caused you.
Not respecting your abuser, doesn't mean you're not a good person. Respecting yourself and respecting others who have hurt you aren't linked.
You have the right to put yourself first in this situation. Don't let anybody tell you that you don't.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

Respect is not an automatic right. It does have to be earned regardless of who that person is. Your therapist seems to have an idealistic view in my opinion.

I get the same thing all the time here, that I must remember that my mother did the best job she could - yeah, the best job she could at screwing her kids up! Should I respect her for that? I don't think so.

 

[Digz]

yeah, the best job she could at screwing her kids up! Should I respect her for that? I don't think so.

@notsurewheretoturn - feel the exact same way about my mother.

 

[The Albatross]

For me it's not about the actions of a person. Respect is part of a personal character development model. It is part of unconditional other acceptance in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy terms... but someone else called it a "social competence skill" saying:

"The Character Development Model that we believe that could be useful for each one of us, could actually in a simplistic way be visualized as a scale, where integrity is the strong and solid base, and respect and responsibility are balanced on either side. A person with integrity is honest, trustworthy and authentic. They are also respectful of others and have a strong sense of personal responsibility. Relationship and respect is developed by the component qualities of Empathy, Emotional Mastery, Lack of Blame and Humility. Responsibility is developed by the component qualities of Accountability, Courage, Self Confidence and Focus on the whole (as a person with the abilities).

The 10 Social Competences of the Character Development Model that a each one of us should have:
1. Social Competence skill - Respect
2. Social Competence skill - Empathy
3. Lack of Blame
4. Emotional Intelligence skill - Humility
5. Emotional Intelligence skill - Emotional Mastery
6. Emotional Intelligence skill - Responsibility
7. Emotional Intelligence skill - Accountability
8. Emotional Intelligence skill - Self-Confidence
9. Emotional Intelligence skill - Courage
10. Social Competence skill - Focus on the whole

Respect
The person, that demonstrates Respect show’s unconditional high regard for others, acknowledging their value as human beings, regardless of their behavior (and isn't that what it is we wish from others). The respect comes through in all situations, even during times of conflict or criticism. Demonstrating respect for others requires developing and refining the following core personal qualities (not faking it)." (Source link: http://personaldevelopmentforum.blogspot.com/2008/08/eintrge-von-anderen-leuten-zu-flschen.html )

I tend to agree. Though am not consistent with it.

I actually do try to respect my abusive parents. It was easier for me to do so with my father (now passed) as he did deal with his issues later in life. My mother has not and has stayed in her behaviors... so more difficult.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I agree wholeheartedly about setting boundaries to protect yourself. I understand the notion of respect for your elders but agree it must be earned, even by parents. As a mom, it is important to me that I lead a life full of integrity, humility and honesty so my children can truly respect and trust me. My actions must echo my words. Yes, be civil for your own sake to avoid drama but walk away when they cross the line. You are not your parents. You can choose to be different and live your life on your terms.

 

[StellaBlue]

Respect. It's an interesting term. Thank you for the reminder.

An interesting word indeed.

I try very hard to recognize and respect the inherent worth and dignity of every human being. There are times that I fail at this miserably. And there are times I have to just walk away because the struggle to respect that person is too much.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who was probably close to genius level but decided, after a long, cordial work relationship that he didn't like me anymore and he became abusive to the point that I quit my job. Prior to quitting we sat in an HR mediated meeting and he asked me why I didn't respect him. I told him that I absolutely respected his intelligence, but I did not respect him as a human being. Interestingly, with my history, I had no fear of him (even though his behavior mirrored a lot of my abuser's behavior).

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I don't respect my parents.

In my eyes, people who could do stuff like that to a kid, are twisted, period.
I am messed up a plenty, but I would never vent it on a child.

I suppose context is relevant; in my case, there was no reason for my abusers to behave the way they did. They weren't abused themselves, or assaulted -the only probable explanation is that they had some kind of mental health issue that was unrelated to their own upbringing.

But I don't disrespect my parents either. I just don't talk to them.
No need for insults, or blaming, or screaming - just no contact, that works for me.

I can relate to the anger towards your abuser and I think it might be a good thing, as long as it doesn't control you. If the anger helps you distance yourself from him and become different, then that's great! If however the anger is making you more like him, I'd find a different way to deal with it. Still showing anger at your abusers does (imho) show that you still have some kind of link to him, and aren't letting go yet.

Which is fine, everybody lets go at their own pace, it takes time.

 

[Whitebird]

Still showing anger at your abusers does (imho) show that you still have some kind of link to him, and aren't letting go yet.

Thanks for reminding. I can relate. :)