(happy) Narcissistic Mother's Day

[Emi]

I just told my husband this and I think it really does sum up the whole of every situation like this one....

"it comes down to - I don't have a good reason (to hide behind) other than, "this is what I want/need" and that reason never seems good enough"

 

[Friday]

As of 15 months ago... Her day is 'Grandparents Day'. Which is Sunday, Sept. 13th this year.

That's the day my son & I fuss over his grandmother.

You're mom. She's gran.

Prepare for mental implosion in 3...2...1...

 

[Emi]

@FridayJones I WISH my mind would implode so I could rebuild it the way I want it to be.

 

[ihateusernames]

I should be a good self sacrificing daughter, right? I am selfish if I do otherwise.

No, ma'am. Your obligation is now to your daughter, and through that, to your own self. I am not trying to lay a guilt trip, please don't think that. I've been told this same thing and I interpreted it as something intended to make me feel bad. It's not. In all actuality, what your daughter needs is for her mother to be as well as possible.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I had to have my own Be Selfish moment before I could drop all of my living for other people shit (and guess what? I mostly just transferred it onto my husband. Ugh.) I know it's hard. You need to weigh everything else against what's best for your own little family. If continuing to take your mother's crap is actually best, then so be it. But I kind of doubt it is. I'll bet whatever rifts are created are far outweighed by the benefits.

Excuse the way I'm going to say this, but do you actually know how far up your mom's ass your brother actually is? Could he be just as resentful, too? Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Speaking from personal experience, I make a lot of assumptions about people that aren't even close to true. You could have a source of support in him.

 

[Friday]

Nah. I know. It's just a different way of looking at it, which often causes a... Wait a second...

You're not the child, anymore. You're the mom.

It's kind of like the mental screech that happens when yesterday you couldn't drive in the carpool lane, because while pregnant? You're just you. But today? The day she was born? There are now 2 people in the car. She (baby girl) was just as real under your heart as in the car seat. But today, if you threw her out the window, it's homicide. She's a person in that car seat. There are 2 of you in the car. Your mom will always be your mom... But both of your status's changed when your daughter was born. You're mom & she's gramma, gran, nana, abuela, granny.

Unless she made a big flying deal out of your grandparents on MD? (If a narcissist, I highly doubt that.) Then she did teach you how to handle Mother's Day. You can even make a huge deal out of following her teachings, by teaching your children like she taught you, if you need spin to smooth the waters. Not with her. In your brain.

Every time your brain throws what you're "supposed" to be doing into the fray? You counter that. With "Yep. I am. Because I'm Mom." Change around the priority tree.

You can only abandon kids & pets.

It's about your kids, now. Mothers Day aside, that's your duty of care. Will your mom & brother always be your family? Yes. And so will your daughter. And that's where your responsibility & loyalty & duty of care lie. To your child. You cannot abandon your mother. She's an adult. Your brother is an adult. They're your family, but not your responsibility. Your daughter, meanwhile, is also your family. AND your responsibility. Every time you need a litmus test? You use her. She's a child. She trumps you, and she trumps your mom, and she trumps each and every single other person out there.

She can turn my brother, whom I love dearly and have always been tight with, against me. She can twist words and paint a picture of me that isn't true. She can alienate me from my family. She can rob my child of knowing her aunts and uncles and cousins. She can put me in financial crisis because she regularly babysits so my husband and I can both work.

She can break my heart. She can and has always found a way to make my life miserable.

Again, flip this on its head. While you see these as fears? Try looking at them as goals. Develop a relationship with your brother outside of the one with your mother. Ditto cousins, aunts and uncles. Build something with them outside of the enmesh mentality your mom. It may not be possible. But look at each of the possible manipulations, and do what you can to cut those cords. Take the fears out one by one, and shake them out. See which ones you can turn into healthy goals.

 

[shimmerz]

Now that you're a mom you get to decide

It's actually your responsibility to your baby girl from the day she is born until forever to be the happiest Mom you can be.

Because, obviously, I should be a good self sacrificing daughter, right? I am selfish if I do otherwise. (HA)

No. Any self respecting mother who has a child who has children recognizes that children come first. Period. If she doesn't know this....that's her deal. If she reacts badly. That's her deal. If your brother reacts badly. That's his deal.

Your deal is your family. Spouse, daughter. Mother/brother fit in if they are healthy. If not, get lost.

 

[LuckyDuck]

First off, happy Mother's Day, Emi. :)

Well, yeah. She is. But I don't GET IT. I can't fathom treating people like that.

Not getting it is key. You have to be it to get it. My mom's the same, and I'm glad I don't get. That means I'm not like her.

People treat others usually because they don't have a sense of self. Narcissism is like that. So full of emotion, but not having a sense of self is damaging, and can lead to this type of behaviour. By giving HER the attention and HER the gifts and praise that comes with Mothers Day, you're giving her what she feels is a sense of self. The moment you focus on yourself even minimally, you're not giving her a sense of self. One has to find their own sense of self. It's not given to by other people.

I wish more people knew that, my mother included.

 

[Chava]

Do you have other possibilities for childcare instead of your mom? So maybe that could ease the need to feel dependent still and needing approval or keeping the waters steady? I moved far away from my parents. We have very few conflicts. I don't need them.

 

[Emi]

Excuse the way I'm going to say this, but do you actually know how far up your mom's ass your brother actually is? Could he be just as resentful, too? Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Speaking from personal experience, I make a lot of assumptions about people that aren't even close to true. You could have a source of support in him.

I did try to explain things to him when all hell broke loose just 2 weeks prior to my daughter's birth. Mom and Dad iced me out and I knew he'd hear a twisted tale so I wrote him an email. He generally tries to stay very neutral, if he didn't witness it, he doesn't know the full story so he stays out of it. However, when we were teenagers, mom often whined to me and had me do things (like go to the store) because "your brother won't do it". My brother mostly just doesn't care. Where I became a guilt ridden people pleaser, he became an emotion avoider - he emphatically embraces apathy when he doesn't want to do whatever it is mom is throwing tantrums about. He just brushes her off. I wish I could do that. But he is both of my parents biological child. I'm not, dad adopted me when mom and he got married when I was 2 (mom had me at age 18). So his behavior gets excused. Mine doesn't. However, my brother and I have always shared this bond - we are very like minded in that we don't agree with all our parents taught us -- i.e. we both drink, we are both more moderate minded. My parents are very conservative minded.

Unless she made a big flying deal out of your grandparents on MD? (If a narcissist, I highly doubt that.) Then she did teach you how to handle Mother's Day. You can even make a huge deal out of following her teachings, by teaching your children like she taught you, if you need spin to smooth the waters. Not with her. In your brain.

No, I don't have grandmothers. My mom's mom died when I was 2, my dad's mom died when he was 9. We didn't have any familial Mother's Day obligations outside of my mom.

Again, flip this on its head. While you see these as fears? Try looking at them as goals. Develop a relationship with your brother outside of the one with your mother. Ditto cousins, aunts and uncles. Build something with them outside of the enmesh mentality your mom. It may not be possible. But look at each of the possible manipulations, and do what you can to cut those cords. Take the fears out one by one, and shake them out. See which ones you can turn into healthy goals.

I like this mentality. My brother and I have actually started having regular get togethers, just us and our spouses. It's been nice. And as much as he tries to stay neutral, I still feel like her story has more weight than mine in his mind. He doesn't see her like I do.

 

[Emi]

Do you have other possibilities for childcare instead of your mom? So maybe that could ease the need to feel dependent still and needing approval or keeping the waters steady? I moved far away from my parents. We have very few conflicts. I don't need them.

My mother in law does keep my daughter 1 day a week. We need 3 days a week. She works so she can't do that. My mom doesn't work - she did, but she quit after Makenna was born. I have few other options as I really only have 1 good friend, who also works, my mom's sisters (who would side with my mom and thus not be an option) and 3 sisters in law who also work. I don't make friends easily - my parents saw to controlling my friendships as a teen and I never was allowed to stay over at friend's...or even really GO to friends' houses. I don't have any connections on my dad's side of the family. I saw them for the 1st time in 15 years or more in 2009 when my grandpa died. I've really been kind of isolated like that my whole life and I didn't live on my own before I got married and was just as strictly controlled until the day I moved out, going on 6 years ago now.

I WANT to move so bad. I ask my husband all the time. We are kind of stuck right now because my stepson is 12 and if we moved out of state my husband wouldn't get to see him like we do now (we have him 50% of the time). So we plan to move when he graduates. That's 5 years away.

 

[Chava]

I've really been kind of isolated like that my whole life and I didn't live on my own before I got married and was just as strictly controlled until the day I moved out, going on 6 years ago now.

It's helpful to recognize some patterns like this. I isolate for different reasons and have to make a pretty serious effort to connect or ask others for help. I am not physically close to any family members and creating a support network has been challenging. I'm a recovered alcoholic and have found some very helpful connection and support in AA.

Sorry if I missed somewhere above, but are you in therapy to work on some of your issues? Working on other connections or goals of moving might be helpful. Some people say you can run away from your problems. But I'm a very physically-spatially oriented person. Yes, space matters. Also if you have a hard time working out boundaries in other ways, that's not a bad option. But I'm not sure how much you are simultaneously attached or enmeshed in this relationship.

 

[Flossy]

I learned a lot of skills for managing my narcissistic mother....who eventually I went 'no contact' with....by googling (daughters of narcissistic mothers) and making it a project to study how they think and how to manage them and their manipulation. I studied it for two years. It is worth the effort. It helped me to understand how they think and I coulld then prepare myself for the BS. As she did nto do any preparation (she does not need to change), I was more prepared than her and felt in control. I hope you will consider doing this too. I promise it will help you.