My mother, who has had a very difficult life (emotional, physical, sexual abuse, abandonment, recovered drug addict/sex worker as a child) was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. She always thought her emotional/coping issues were due to bipolar disorder, but after further testing, she was told it sounded more like ptsd.
How this relates to me : I was raised by a single mother (above) who was always domineering (she had to raise me and my brother alone) but loving, until my oldest brother died. After this incident, she relied on me (at 12 yrs) to be her support, shoulder to cry on, and person to care for her emotionally. Having to read her emotions and act accordingly, as well as having to support her has, I realize, made me a codependent.
I remember her having numerous incidents of being suicidal after my brother died, and crying that she just wanted to die, while me and my brother stood and watched. He ignored her and became distant, but I balanced this by caring even more. I began fearing the things she feared (abuse, safety being gone, people=no one was "good") even though I was living in a safe enviroment. The stories she told about her past only added to the imaginary reality that was being created inside my head where the world was dangerous and people were untrustworthy.
I am 26 years old and a mother of three boys. My wonderful partner has stuck with me throughout, despite my emotional issues. We are on the verge of parting, and I know it has been my doing mostly. He is faithful and loving, but his greatest concern is that I create imaginary trouble and issues and am always afraid of creating any social community outside our home (im a sahm).
As I was researching what could be our issue, I came across an article that said a ptsd parent can cause secondary trauma in a child. I remember going to a psychiatrist when I was in my late teens. After telling my story, he said I was shadowing my mother and taking on her issues as my own. I couldnt believe it, told my mom and she had him fired...wow, to think that he was probably right is heartbreaking.
I dont know how to change. I use avoidance and numbing towards people who want to make friends with me and have ruined my relationship with the love of my life by trying to be a codependent, when this is so not healthy. I dont know what to do. I forgive my mom, she kept me physically safe and tried her utmost best with what she was given, but that doesnt change that I am still broken in some way. I am a grown woman and it is my responsibility to heal myself. Where to I start? What do I do? Please help.
How this relates to me : I was raised by a single mother (above) who was always domineering (she had to raise me and my brother alone) but loving, until my oldest brother died. After this incident, she relied on me (at 12 yrs) to be her support, shoulder to cry on, and person to care for her emotionally. Having to read her emotions and act accordingly, as well as having to support her has, I realize, made me a codependent.
I remember her having numerous incidents of being suicidal after my brother died, and crying that she just wanted to die, while me and my brother stood and watched. He ignored her and became distant, but I balanced this by caring even more. I began fearing the things she feared (abuse, safety being gone, people=no one was "good") even though I was living in a safe enviroment. The stories she told about her past only added to the imaginary reality that was being created inside my head where the world was dangerous and people were untrustworthy.
I am 26 years old and a mother of three boys. My wonderful partner has stuck with me throughout, despite my emotional issues. We are on the verge of parting, and I know it has been my doing mostly. He is faithful and loving, but his greatest concern is that I create imaginary trouble and issues and am always afraid of creating any social community outside our home (im a sahm).
As I was researching what could be our issue, I came across an article that said a ptsd parent can cause secondary trauma in a child. I remember going to a psychiatrist when I was in my late teens. After telling my story, he said I was shadowing my mother and taking on her issues as my own. I couldnt believe it, told my mom and she had him fired...wow, to think that he was probably right is heartbreaking.
I dont know how to change. I use avoidance and numbing towards people who want to make friends with me and have ruined my relationship with the love of my life by trying to be a codependent, when this is so not healthy. I dont know what to do. I forgive my mom, she kept me physically safe and tried her utmost best with what she was given, but that doesnt change that I am still broken in some way. I am a grown woman and it is my responsibility to heal myself. Where to I start? What do I do? Please help.
