Terrifie To Go To Bed And Terrified To Wake Up-

[Deleted member 29899]

Does anyone else feel this way?

Many traumas/kinds of traumas in my lifetime. I am TERRIFIED to go to bed each night, not sure why. I live by myself, I suppose all goes quiet and I'm terrified... (I can't sleep with the radio or anything on because by then I'm so tired and irritable it annoys me, I wish I could though.) No specific fear but so terrified I feel in crisis EVERY night and I don't know how to live with this.... I'm so sick of being afraid and sick of being tired so this leads to me getting to bed too late every night no matter how tired I am I'm terrified...

When I finally force myself to the bedroom I lay in terror til the sleeping pills kick in, a half hour to an hour, I can feel my body fighting the sleeping pills because of hypervigilance....

Then on the flip-side I am terrified to wake up, I can't face this life of nothing, of pain and trauma and loneliness and loss..., I am terrified of every single day and it's so hard to get out of bed each day... I don't want to be conscious...
Not only that but I only seem to sleep 2 hrs at a time b/c of trauma... (I have tried all the 'sleep hygiene' things).

Does anyone else feel these terrors and what do you do?

 

[shimmerz]

Does anyone else feel these terrors and what do you do?

I realized along the way that it was my bed that was triggering me. I had to sleep on the couch. Is there something in your bedroom that is getting to you or is this happening all night long.

As far as waking up in the morning - have you looked at the side effects of the sleeping pills you are taking? Just a thought....

Don't know a ton about your background so don't know how long this has been going on for you, whether it is specifically bedtime etc.

 

[ihateusernames]

I don't know if it's exactly the same, but similar: I am that way when I'm alone. For a while my husband had been coming home from work at midnight so that worked out perfectly. But just recently he's been moved back to alternating shifts and is now on nights. I hate it. I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open and then I lay in bed wide awake, terrified, listening for any hint of anything. I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid somebody will break in and snatch my son. I also wake up at the slightest sound coming from his direction after I finally do pass out. I don't know why that's such a strong fear of all other possibilities, but I have thought about it obsessively since he was born. I thought somebody was going to snatch him from me in stores, kidnap him from my workplace, pry open his bedroom window and take him. I have had many, many nightmares about it. I was never abducted. No family member was. I have only ever known one person who was and I barely had contact with her. I don't know why that. (I am also terrified that he will float away in the ocean. Also no clue where that comes from. Maybe these are common parent fears.)

I wish that I could tell you how to stop it from happening, but I haven't yet figured it out myself. Having another adult in the house is the solution for me. I guess I feel like I can let up on my watch. Put some of the burden on my husband or something. Some things that might help, but that also might be completely impractical are to get a dog or a roommate. Aside from that try to figure out what exactly you're afraid of- when you go to bed don't fight the panic, but really listen to it. Maybe it is something that you can change your environment to accommodate.

The waking up, no, I don't really have that problem, but I would consider what @shimmerz said. I know that sleep aids, even melatonin taken improperly can make me feel like death in the morning. I have this feeling of, almost dread, and ill ease.

Either way, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Lack of sleep is such a horrible thing. :(

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Shimmerz I'm on very little sleep drugs now thank God. I have weaned off of almost everything, still on a bit but I don't sleep any worse because I've lowered them. They weren't working very much anymore, I'm taking that small amount plus a bit of Melatonon and another preparation. Those combined with me being so ragged and sleep deprived puts me to sleep each night, when I'll go.
For months I am FAR less drugged (or not feeling drugged at all) like I used to be. I used to always be sluggish for years from the drugs and didn't even realize it, so my variety of sleep aids are not the problem with waking up.

I cannot face life, that's why I don't want to wake up. I cannot face what all the traumas have done to my life, PTSD has stolen my life, I've lost everything, everyone. I've lost me. It has stolen me, I am not the same happy loving person I used to be. I am angry, empty, I don't even recognize myself. I can't work because I'm so tired, so I am broke, isolated....

As for the bedroom- I'm now sleeping in the THIRD bedroom. Now the 3rd bedroom has become my enemy, afraid to go in there.... Thinking of moving to the couch but after the couch then what? The back yard?
I think part of the reason of being terrified of going to bed is because if I go to sleep, that means that I will have to wake up and face another day. Does that make sense to anyone? It is irrational but makes sense to me. Also, just terrified for when all is quiet and I'm left with my suicidal and traumatized mind, listening to the ugly inner dialog ..... I think there are many reasons.... I don't know...

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Ihate - yeah, I have no choice, I am alone now. Live alone now. Lost my family. I don't think I could get a roommate because any little thing wakes me up and I get so little sleep already... A bird could fart in a tree a block away and it would wake me. I can't afford a dog right now plus I'm still not over the death of my beloved dog, I never want to go through that again. I KNOW I would feel better if someone was in the house with me... but I can't risk putting myself in a position where I'll get even less sleep because a house mate would be keeping me up.... I wouldn't want to get a house mate then I'd need for them to move immediately if my sleep is worse and a person can't ask someone to leave without a months notice... (My sleep was so bad two weeks ago I was shaking for days just from sheer sleep deprivation and I was so afraid I was going to crack up.)
Sleep is a necessity of life just like food and water and air... I'm angry that someone I'm supposed to live without this necessity...angry that no one can help me.

I think I'm afraid to sleep for many reasons but one of them is because I've lost everything.... I'm just floating, I'm not living anymore.

Being afraid and not being able to sleep worrying that someone will break in and kidnap your child is not a normal parental worry. I never worried about that when my child was home, I always felt they were safe so yes, it's a specific fear of yours and that must be awful as well.

Thanks for your input.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Now it's a half hour before bed, the witching hour. The fear is starting to seep in and I wish I could call someone but there is. O one.