Ptsd From These Events...is It Possible?

[md20]

I avoid her, because I feel she herself is a trigger...and it may not be PTSD as most of you say, but the events and videos I saw and the texts sent to others I read keep resurfacing and changing my state to one of despair and sadness throughout the day and night...almost like mind-movies...when these images and information was fresher, I had chest pains, trouble breathing, and tears...

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear MD20,

I hope that you are continuing in therapy, and not trying to do this alone, as you sound to be in so much pain and distress.

It is actually healthy that you are aware of your physical reactions to her betrayal, and cruel videos.
I am thinking you might benefit from both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (talking it out) and some Somatic Experiencing (what your body "says" and how to release and calm the reactions).

What you are going through is horrible, and you are suffering terribly. Please be reassured that even if your experience (from what you've told us) wouldn't be classified as PTSD, that doesn't make your pain any less. You most likely do have a diagnosable, and treatable, condition brought on by this horrendous betrayal and loss, and would need both professionals and friends to stand by you for understanding, encouragement and healing support.

I also hope that you have had yourself checked for STDs, and that you won't have further sex with your "wife" until she has been thoroughly checked and treated for STDs. The people who engage in these risky behaviors generally keep their heads in the sand and aren't concerned about their health - and sadly, they don't give a rip about their spouse's health.

I hope you don't believe that she's "back to normal", and will never do this again. That would be wishful, magical thinking on your part. For her to be ok, and safe for you as a trusted spouse, she would need extensive therapy, and long-duration treatment.

Please, please, please - before you open your heart to her, before you even think of having sex with her, before anything else that would re-commit you to her, please read Dr. Patrick Carnes' books. This way you will understand more fully what you are dealing with. Otherwise, your life will continue to be a round of bonding, betrayal, grief, pain, extreme distress...

You have an out, now. I would personally yell "Run!!!" as a warning, but only you can decide what you are willing to endure, and for how long.
:sorry: I'm so sorry....

 

[md20]

I hope you don't believe that she's "back to normal", and will never do this again. That would be wishful, magical thinking on your part. For her to be ok, and safe for you as a trusted spouse, she would need extensive therapy, and long-duration treatment.

Please, please, please - before you open your heart to her, before you even think of having sex with her...

The sex I had was hysterical bonding...It was damaging and I should not have done it.

I do not see or hear from her anymore, for a few months now.
We've been separated for a year. I would not take her back. Period. She does not ever want to reconcile.

What causes me the most stress and disdain is that she might be "back to normal" as you say. I can't get over the fact that this may have been just a phase and she is in a healthy relationship now. I want to believe that she is ill, and hopefully gets help...I hope what you say is true, because then the dismantling of the marriage does not seem so unfixable. Although I can't prove she was unfaithful during the marriage, there were subtle signs, yet she tries to tell me she didn't "cross the line" while married. She lies a lot, and she's good at it, so I don't believe her.

If she had just left because she was unhappy, then fine...but the aftermath and what she became and did is what makes me think I may be mentally and emotionally damaged.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't quite understand how this:

We've been separated for a year. I would not take her back. Period. She does not ever want to reconcile.

Goes with this:

I want to believe that she is ill, and hopefully gets help...I hope what you say is true, because then the dismantling of the marriage does not seem so unfixable.

?

Also, just echoing what others have said - and I'll go ahead and say it bluntly: unless you previously experienced physical abuse or assault, sexual assault, war, death right in front of your face or possibly about to happen to you, captivity, something along those lines - you don't have PTSD.

You don't have PTSD from this experience with your wife.

It doesn't matter. You are hurting. You are having intrusive thoughts. You are grieving, but you are stuck. Your body is being affected. You are suffering. You deserve and should get help for that. You might even want to go to someone who has some experience in trauma. But you don't have PTSD, which is great - because you don't NEED to follow those treatment protocols. You could just start with talk therapy. Or cognitive therapy. Or group. You have choices. You might have to try a few before you find the right one.

In this particular instance, a pseudo-diagnosis of PTSD will not actually help you get the right help, and it may cause you to get the wrong help. I read that you are trying to understand what the word is for what you are experiencing - and I would say, the word doesn't matter so much right now. The help does.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Of course you are wounded and damaged. What she did to you was very harmful, painful and cruel.

I do believe that you will heal (especially with continuing help, guidance and support), and can heal fully. I do believe that, when the time is right, you will be able to live, love with great joy, and enter happily into a committed and healthy relationship with a wonderful person.

I'm so relieved that you are getting out. She is not healthy. She is not back to who you thought she was. This is no phase for your wife - someone who engages in this behavior will continue to do, or want to do this. Cheaters are consummate liars - as you have noticed. They take advantage of their partner's willingness to believe in them and trust in their partner. Without intensive treatment on her part, she will always be like this.
For those of us with integrity who wouldn't think of cheating, it's extremely shocking and damaging to suddenly discover this trait in your partner. It's almost as if they have some sort of radar that allows them to spot and use people who trust and think the best of others.

I do think the open-hearted ability to trust is a very lovely trait, but we also need some training in how to spot the liars among us!
Professionals can teach you what to look for, how to develop your gut-sense / intuition, so hopefully, you don't get hoodwinked again.

 

[Sighs]

@imok - what @FridayJones said and what @itsKismet said.

I've had some things happen in my life that have been very upsetting - first husband carried on in a very similar manner to what the OP describes above - only child diagnosed with autism - second husband diagnosed with multiple sclerosis - had both my lungs collapse and spent a week in hospital struggling to breath, etc etc. None of those things are Crit A events. None of them altered my physiology. Have I been distressed, anxious, depressed? Of course. Could I have PTSD from those events? Nope.

I have had one event which might qualify as a Crit A event and I had some post-traumatic stress symptoms but fortunately they resolved and I did not get PTSD.

The whole "anything can cause PTSD because its subjective and no-one can say how much a minor event might upset someone else" really annoys me because I think its so disrespectful to people who HAVE suffered from Crit A events. I know that others here feel differently but to me, to compare emotionally upsetting events with life threatening events is just rude. Having your partner betray you is horrible, but it isn't anything like picking your dead mate's bone fragments out of your face after he stepped on an IED in front of you.

I feel the same about "rape as metaphor" comments. I'm sorry but having xyz happen to you does not feel like being raped. You know what feels like being raped? Rape.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I wasn't arguing with anyone or anything. I do believe the scenario of the poster's could cause PTSD for some people. 'Some'. Watching your wife ... I'm not even going to get into explaining it but that's just my opinion.
I'm not as technical as you guys, I dont read the DSM5 very often, or the criteria often and I don't really have the energy to argue with anyone. I don't know all what he's physically or mentally experiencing, I've not had a one on one with him.

Sighs, I'm very familiar with dead bodies. That's why I'm so messed up. Ever watch the video on you tube of the WW1 vets in an institution and the effects that their PTSD had on their nervous system? Well that's what I was like during the first year of my PTSD, SHEER TERRIFYING HELL, flopping around like a damn fish on the floor at times. Nervous system shot to hell. Frankly I don't know how I've made it this far but the 'electrical flailing' has stopped, thank God.

****By the way, is there a term for that? For the hellish involuntary physical flailing around that was going on with me?

This is not a contest but to what to some what might be minor, it might be huge to someone else. That's all I was saying. My opinion. Not my diagnosis or criteria.

 

[Sighs]

@imok - I'm sorry you have suffered. No-one wants to add to your stress by arguing with you. But to say

we can't judge what can and can't cause PTSD in a person

is just plain wrong because of the requirement for a Crit A trauma.

what to some what might be minor, it might be huge to someone else

Agreed. And they might be devastated to the point of having a nervous breakdown, but unless there is a Crit A trauma in their past then it cannot by definition be PTSD. It can be all kinds of other mental health diagnoses but not PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Some people have to be right all the time. An apology is not an apology with a 'but' in it, ever. Let it go, relax, put your feet up.

 

[Sighs]

I'm sorry you have suffered

is not an apology. Its an expression of sympathy.

I have nothing to apologise for. I haven't done anything wrong.

*Puts feet up and bows out of thread.*

 

[md20]

I didn't mean to start conflict...I was just wondering if a mild onset of PTSD was possible. For me, someone I loved and trusted showing me a video and relaying stories of her sexual exploits was quite traumatic. Even the suggestion of such things left me with great unease afterwards, and to this very day. These images, although I try to filter them, are relayed in my mind, and often I get short of breath or wake from a deep sleep because of this...I cry, or become depressed almost instantly, and any ambition at the time of these thoughts is lost...I have lost faith in the goodness of potential relationships, and my value of trust is next to nil, which has hampered any relationships I've tried to have since then...

Maybe it isn't PTSD, and perhaps I should have researched it a bit more, but I was just looking for personal input, or for anyone who has experienced a similar situation...

My apologies

 

[joeylittle]

My apologies

Nothing to apologize for. We are actually trying to help, by letting you know that there are more mental health problems that can arise out of a traumatic experience - it's not a situation where, either you have PTSD, or nothing's wrong with you. Clearly, something's wrong, and you deserve to get the right help for it.

Wouldn't you rather just get the right help?

I have major depressive disorder - it was diagnosed before my PTSD showed up. But if I self-diagnosed my depressive disorder as bipolar disorder, I would not have gotten the right help for it. And that's what this is about.

It's just frustrating to see folks like yourself going through this, and appearing to hold onto PTSD like it is the only answer available to you.

No-one likes to be told that their trauma "isn't important enough". I think that's what you are hearing. The fact remains that there is a spectrum of trauma - and certain extreme traumatic events cause a specific kind of damage to the brain.

A situation like yours, where the event was being dragged out over time? - that can actually cause a different kind of damage in the brain. Whole different thing. Whole different area. But in order to really understand how this might be working on you, your history is also important.

If you added that you

• cry every day, nearly
• can't get out of bed
• cannot eat or eat too much
• heavy-feeling limbs
• things you used to be interested in doing, you have no interest in anymore

And if you

• Have always thought that you were a sadder person than everyone else
• Seem to go through periods of time where you get very down, but then you are OK again
• Have difficulty "fitting in", in your perception
• Do not think you deserve a great life, just that you are OK with a decent one.

You might have co-occurent, or "double" depression; a major episode triggered by the whole situation with your wife, on top of an undiagnosed dysthemic depression. Heck - you might look at the first list and say, "well, yes, feel those things - but I feel those things every three or four months, otherwise I'm actually really energized, excited, and can't go to sleep" - you may have a form of bipolar that has been triggered into a long depression cycle by the things with your wife.

And look - this is a just me, a person on the internet writing these things. Please don't take it all as a diagnostic tool. I just hope you can understand that there are professionals who can help you with this. The best we can do is tell you to not get all distracted thinking it was PTSD.

But if you were sexually or physically abused as a kid, and you just don't want to deal with it right now, because the thing with your wife is bigger to you? Well - yeah - you might have PTSD. History is vitally relevant to getting an accurate mental-health diagnosis.

To be clear: I'm not saying, "tell us if you were abused" - my goodness, no, that's a big subject to open up. Just know that you could have something in your past that relates to what you are experiencing now, be it something that happened to you, or a way you have always felt.

.I have lost faith in the goodness of potential relationships, and my value of trust is next to nil, which has hampered any relationships I've tried to have since then...

Yes. When my relationship of 10 years ended, I was much more upset than I expected to be. I would wake up crying, short of breath. I started drinking to cope with it all. I kept wondering if I had made a mistake, if he would become a better person. And the things that happened between he and I were not nearly as awful as between you and your wife. I just kept drinking, and trying to cope, and eventually tried to kill myself.

The breakup triggered a major depressive episode that I managed to grind through for nearly a year.

I really wish I had not assumed I knew what the problem was, or rather, tried to solve it for myself by assuming it was the breakup, and I had always been a depressed person, but I didn't actually have depression, and lets not even think about that shit that happened when I was 13.

Please, go to a professional. Then, go to a different one. Be honest about everything, don't bias yourself towards anything.

I didn't mean to start conflict

Hey, we are a mental-health community. Not always the most emotionally regulated people on the planet. :p But we sure are passionate.