General One Word Would Have Changed Everything

[Wastinglight]

Since I found out that my guy has a co-morbid disorder of agoraphobia, the more I read about it, the more things fall into place.

All the weird behaviours and lame excuses and half-assed explanations that he gave me (and still gives me, occasionally), that didn't quite seem to add up when viewed through the lense of PTSD, now make perfect sense. Sure, it's not a surprise to learn that he has it, but agoraphobia is a very specific diagnosis. It's fear of having a panic attack in situations or places where it would be humilating or otherwise difficult to escape.

When I look back at our relationship so far, there are so many situations that I would have handled differently if I had fully understood what was driving his behaviour.

He was very upfront about his diagnosis of PTSD, social anxiety and panic disorder at the start of our relationship. Why leave out agoraphobia? Does that word have more of a stigma attached to it than the other disorders?

 

[Wastinglight]

He has not mentioned that one word to me once. Ever. Yet there it is, plain as day on his DVA letter (which he left lying open on top of my laptop one day last week). Was that his way of telling me? Or did he simply forget he'd left it there. I feel like saying to him "Why the HELL didn't you ever mention this before??!!"

 

[shimmerz]

Very often I leave out one word. Perhaps even two or three. Sometimes I forget the whole point. There is no hidden meaning to it. Not for me anyway.

People expect us to think the way they do. We don't. And I, myself, am ashamed of the hurt and confusion that it causes others.

 

[Kefira]

As a PTSD/Agoraphobia person I know I sometimes just view the two as linked. And really in my head the PTSD is the umbrella for everything else that's wrong with me. Certain things will be worse at certain times, but it's not like I'm analysing what part is spiking, just registering that I'm symptomatic. And from me that's across the board from my physical stuff to the mental stuff.

Maybe he just didn't know that it would help you better understand. He's the only one who can answer that but I would think it's possible.

 

[Friday]

So I just went and looked up both the clinical definitions in the DSMV, the argument prior to the publishing of the DSMV as to whether to leave it linked to panic disorder or make it a stand alone or comorbid dx (skimmed that one), and the blurbs on it. Meaning my knowledge is super basic, but I have at least half a grasp (which may be more than your beaux has).

So now the following statement confuses me

All the weird behaviours and lame excuses and half-assed explanations that he gave me (and still gives me, occasionally), that didn't quite seem to add up when viewed through the lense of PTSD, now make perfect sense.

... As each and every single symptom listed is super easily explained under the lens of PTSD. At least combat flavored PTSD. LOL At least as I understand it! Especially untreated, where one hasn't learned yet, that you can practice spiking (exposure therapy, dares, etc.) and gradually build your tolerance towards being in crowds, etc. (if you want to, instead of just saying f*ck off to the world at large and building your life elsewhere)... & instead is either simply isolating or plunging in full force and left shaking with the exhaustion and consequences of it. As opposed to coming at things gradually. LOL. The military has never really been all that keen on coming at things gradually. <chuckling> When it absolutely, positively, has to be destroyed overnight.

The problem with the kill or cure method of blunt force is that it can really make some things f*cking worse. I trained away my panic attacks to loud noises by my head in such a way very well... Fast & Dirty... While I was still active duty. Took a long weekend and (hundreds? A f*ck load... Probably dozens or scores, but feels like hundreds) of being triggered & tackled over and over and over. My mates did it for me. I did it for others, later. It was the way I initially went about dealing with crowds and other things after I was discharged. That went so badly it's part of why I said f*ck the world and went & lived homeless on a beach for a significant period of time. I plain and simple could no longer deal with the "real" world. Cheque please. When I did decide to rejoin the world? I did it from roof tops, and bare minimal interactions to begin with. No way in hell,was I going to expose myself to being that vulnerable in public. Not being able to travel / feeling trapped pissed me off enough I kept poking at it, like a sore tooth. But even then, I was ... Surface skimming... For a helluva long time. I wonder sometimes, if I'd had a safe haven? Been more functional than I was? If I'd ever have been pissed off enough to stumble on that kind exposure therapy. But, then again, it wasn't out of the blue. I'd learned that triggering myself worked... Years earlier. Fast & dirty, then later with sex stuff, etc. Shrug. I dunno. Just thinking out loud, here.

Most of the combat vets with PTSD that I know have issues with every single item on the diagnostic list, at least at one time or another. Yet I've never heard agoraphobia mentioned. While every item on the list gets talked about, it's in relation to PTSD & /or isolation (&/or hating people ;) ), & learning to manage & adapt. Finding peace. Toning down the anger & anxiety. Limiting stress. Spiking to build tolerance. Not agoraphobia.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Often trying to navigate a condition, does not lend to opening up. The natural tendency for some of us, is to protect ourselves from the exposure of our vulnerabilities. It can feel counter-intuitive to share one's soft spot as the empathy may not be forth coming. Shame, denial and aversion often play key factors in hunkering down among our wall. My label sharing did little at times to increase tolerance but allowed others to simply dismiss & judge.

 

[Wastinglight]

... As each and every single symptom listed is super easily explained under the lens of PTSD. At least combat flavored PTSD

Okay, sorry, I wasn't very specific with that statement. The distinction for me is not the behaviour itself, but what's behind it. And that distinction is important to me. Sure, a lot of things that happen with him are similar to what PTSD sufferers report here on this forum. But there are a lot of specifics - things that he's said (or rather, half-said) that didn't quite make sense. I just put it down to individual variations in the manifestation of the illness until I realised that he had been diagnosed with agoraphobia in particular. From what I've read, it's been identified as a separate illness to panic disorder in the DSM-V now.

My guy doesn't have combat PTSD. His PTSD was caused by something that happened while he was in the military, but it was in no way combat-related. He was never deployed. Many of the threads people post here about combat PTSD I can't relate to. Even though he's military, his behaviour doesn't fit the hallmarks of Combat PTSD on the whole.

Perhaps others might disagree, but my understanding is that, even though someone with Combat PTSD might avoid crowds, the same as an agoraphobic might, they are doing so for different reasons. I remember reading a thread on this forum where a supporter told her vet that he didn't need to be afraid of being in a crowd, to which he retorted that he didn't avoid crowds because he was afraid. An agoraphobic IS afraid - not of the crowd, but of the possibility of triggering a panic attack and everything that comes with it.

IDK, it's a little hard to explain - I need to tease it out a lot more in my head to be clear on my reasons why it matters. Everything just makes more sense when agoraphobia is in the mix.

 

[Wastinglight]

I'll try to elucidate further, now that I've cogitated on it a little longer. What I'm trying to say is that, for my guy, symptoms that are more commonly attributed to agoraphobia are often much more prominent in his behaviour than those you commonly see with PTSD. For example, there are plenty of people who have PTSD who are totally comfortable going out and being social in a wide variety of situations on a regular basis (especially when it involves people they don't know that well, as opposed to loved ones). My guy is not capable of this level of social interaction - he hasn't done this sort of thing even once since his condition began (even though he used to be very social and would often go out every night, before the trauma occurred), and he is convinced he will never be able to do this again. Restaurants, cinema, trips outside our immediate area - forget it.

Now, there are also plenty of people who suffer from PTSD who DO socially isolate themselves as well, and I guess it's sometimes a ongoing arrangement, same as for my guy. But you wouldn't find many (or perhaps any) people who are suffering severe agoraphobia, who are still able to go out socially in a wide range of situations and places. From what I understand, agoraphobia is often progressive, in that over time, more and more situations and places are deemed unsafe and are avoided, until eventually only a very limited number of situations/places are deemed 'safe', ie places where the sufferer feels comfortable. I can count the number of safe zones that my guy has on one hand. Worst case scenario, the person is housebound (which my guy was before he sought treatment). The profile of the 'typical' agoraphobic fits my guy's behaviour perfectly.

Does that make more sense?

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have it...it can change, mostly with timing in my emotional state with solid planning. Some of us just prefer to feel safe which is awesome if he feels this at home with you. That says a lot to me about you. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

it can change, mostly with timing in my emotional state with solid planning

Thanks for your reply, @Recovery4Me. A question for you then - do you find your agoraphobia symptoms are cyclic, or it is a case of one-step-forward-two-steps-back when you are triggered?

Early on in the relationship, he seemed excited about the prospect of us going out and doing stuff together. He mentioned going out to see a rock concert, and also taking an overnight trip to another town. There's been no talk of doing anything outside of our usual routine for several months now.

We used to visit his parents together, but it's now been almost 6 months since we've done that. I have been over to their place for dinner a number of times, at their invitation - by myself. He also visits them by himself occasionally - usually when he has to fix something for them, or for a special occasion. He seems to put it off until his mum gets upset with him, and he only stays for the absolute minimum amount of time. He refers to it in terms of "getting it over with". I don't get an invite when he visits them any more. It seems that Visiting My Parents With My Girlfriend is something else that has been added to his list of Unsafe Situations. I have no idea whether I played a role in this change, and I'm not sure whether this means he's getting worse, or he's just been triggered sometime in the past, and will take a while for him to start moving forward again.

I never push him to go anywhere. We usually do the same thing every weekend. When he says he doesn't feel up to doing something, I just say okay and let it go. There's very rarely any stress between us about him not being able to do something or go somewhere. I hope that I'm not enabling him by being so easy going, but it seems to me that he does push himself to go out by himself and do things, at least once a week (although it's mostly just shopping and appointments), so I figure I should just let him manage his own stuff.

 

[Recovery4Me]

My desire to go somewhere is based on my anxiety level at the time and the trade off from going.

For instance, spending New Year's Eve in Time Square New York is a big deal for many people in USA. We televise the apple or ball dropping and party in the surrounding area with large name musicians, actors ect. So I went with an old friend purposely that had a very high degree black belt in Karate. I felt safe because I could count on his reaction and my care.

But what I really want to share is this...understanding versus adapting your boyfriend's life style are two different ways in living. When I do not want to go somewhere because of whatever...I do not always expect the other person to drop their plans or needs. Finding a mutual moderate is fair for both sides. For example, my Mom had cerebral palsy and couldn't walk long distances without pain, so I did most of hiking on my own with friends that could growing up. With her, we did ferry rides or long drives with scenic views. Find the balance, so that you can remain 'healthy' and kind to your needs as well as his, ok? :tup: :)

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @Recovery4Me. Yes I agree with you on finding a balance. My guy is pretty good about being considerate in that regard. If the activity is one that it's inconvenient or difficult for me to go to by myself, he will say "Do you mind if we don't xyz today? Otherwise he encourages me to go by myself.

I will admit that I will often happily stay at home with him when he bails on stuff, if my own anxiety is acting up, so that's something I need to work on. Although I am pushing myself to be more social and overcome my social anxiety in other ways. I recently applied for a university course in music. I've always wanted to develop my singing but the anxiety associated with singing in front of people has long prevented me from pursuing this. I have to audition for a place, the very thought of which terrifies me. I will find out if I'm up to the challenge in a few weeks. ..