Struggling With My Husband Not Understanding.

[Leah Morgan]

Well I would appreciate any advice on how to help my husband accept me. I have PTSD with delayed onset only just diagnosed having had what I can only describe as a breakdown in January. I now can't deal with noise or lots of people. I have a super heightened startle reflex. Which my husband has a times found funny he will try and make me jump even though sometimes I end up in tear because the panic is so intense. I struggle to go out with and have been off work since January on and off but have not been in at all since my last huge freak out at school where I had a full blown panick attack where I couldn't breath was sweating, sick everywhere and dizzy. My husband keep saying every day are you better yet, or pushing for intimacy. He also thinks I should be going out and about but I can't. Why doesn't he get it. I gave him some literature to read but he's too busy. After 7 years of marriage I fear that my PTSD may ruin it. He just doesn't get it and is expecting so much. I struggle to get up in the morning but I get told off when don't do chores. I'm at my wits end I have two very close friends who are super supportive. Part of my PTSD is bedwetting during nightmares. My husband thinks it's funny to tell people about it, I have no dignity left. My two friends have been helping me sort that problem discreetly but also help with the kids where he doesn't they take me shopping and calm me in the event of panicking they even have let me stay to have some time away from my family who are intense. My husband runs around shrieking and winding the kids up he tells me to get over it they are just being kids and playing. But I feel wronged twice not only does he know I'm hypersensitive but he then leaves me to put two hyped up under fives to bed.

 

[Friday]

Semantics, perhaps, but important...

It's not your PTSD that may ruin your marriage. It's a combination of PTSD & your husband being a willfully ignorant asshole. That is his choice, and there is very little you can do past a certain point. "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still."

What you can do is lay boundaries and stick to them.

 

[ihateusernames]

I was seconds away from saying this: Your ptsd isn't going to be the thing that ruins your marriage. It's your asswipe husband. But I have obviously been beaten to it.

Even ignoring your diagnosis or your recent problems- he is disrespectful, mean and childish. I can't imagine those traits just suddenly popped up this year. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Ugh :(

 

[Leah Morgan]

Semantics, perhaps, but important...

It's not your PTSD that may ruin your marriage. It's a combina...

What kind of boundaries do you mean, I'm a 29 year old who feels like she's 11

 

[bright future28]

Hugs to you. Im going to be completely honest you sound like a lovely person way to good for your husband who sounds like the ultimate bully. You need love and support from him and him making fun of you is completely unacceptable. I know it wont be easy but I would strongly recommend getting out of that toxic relationship x

 

[Born to Run]

bedwetting during nightmares. My husband thinks it's funny to tell people about it

This is so humiliating, so SICK.

how to help my husband accept me

Sadly, I am not sure if that is ever gonna happen.

I suppose that the reason why he does not get it, could be multifold. How was your relationship before your diagnosis? Did he respect you then? Was he supportive of you then? He could have psychological issues himself, he could feel totally helpless in dealing with you having ptsd, denial as for selfish purposes this makes life unpleasant for him etc.

Do you see a therapist? They should be able to help you as well.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My husband is reading "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship" and it's helping him understand a little more. Luckily he is mostly supportive. My struggles revolve around my work (teaching) mostly and I have been out of work since early May on a leave of absence.

I would recommend trying to get your husband to read some PTSD literature (articles, websites, books- whatever he will), talk with him or write him a note about how you are feeling, and maybe he needs to talk with your therapist (if you're in therapy) or have marriage counseling to help you work through this with him. He sounds very cruel though, but perhaps it's just how he is able to handle the situation- we don't all react the best when we're scared or shaken up. If you want to make it work, communication is going to be the key. Best of luck.

 

[Leah Morgan]

How was your relationship before your diagnosis? Did he respect you then? Was he supportive of you then? He could have psychological issues himself

We used to have so much fun and laugh all the time. But he worked to jobs and I'm a full time teacher abeit off sick due to the anxiety. He used to work for extra money so He used to work 7-5 during the day mon-Friday and 5:30-10.30 Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday plus all day Sunday's. So he has never really had to "deal with the children that's always been me, and the chores' or been around too much. He now only works one job so is around a lot more I think I'm finding it hard. I guess the relationship has been getting worse progressively but I now want to run but have no where to go. I love him but can't stand the fact he thinks I choose to be this way. I should probably add he had a similar traumatic history but he just gets on with it, and doesn't get I'm stuck

 

[Friday]

What kind of boundaries do you mean...

My suggestion would be to work those out with both your counselor & your husband. They're going to be different in every marriage.

They're also going to flow both ways. Absolutely not in a tit for tat kind of thing. What I mean there (to use 2 possible boundaries from above):

Ex) If you rile the kids up before bedtime, I will be going to the _________ (cafe, bookstore, walking trails, what have you). That way he's the one dealing with putting them to bed. But it's important to make it first person. Not If you rile up the kids you will be putting them to bed, but if you rile up the kids *I* will do XYZ.

Ex) Your triggers are your responsibility. ((We sufferers tend to blame the people around us when we're triggered. Insisting people be quiet, or change what they're doing... Instead of leaving the situation & managing our symptoms.)) Note: I'm not talking about him jump scaring you. I'm talking about the 1,002 ways that people irritate the crap out of us just by breathing.

It's often tempting in a marriage to go tit for tat. Meaning if you put a panic attack on him for playing with the kids and all the noise sends you over the edge, or cross another boundary... "what's fair" to a lot of people's minds in the moment is that since you crossed a boundary, he "gets" to cross a boundary, too. Or vice versa. Nope. Recipe for flat out disaster.

I'm also saying "possible boundaries" ... Because I don't know the 2 of you, or your lives, at all. What you want, versus what you need...nor what he wants versus what he needs. Nor where those things intersect and you two need to sort out the logistics between the two of you.

The hour before bedtime might be the only time he *can* play with them. If so? Telling a parent they aren't allowed to play with their kids? Even by inference... Not gonna fly. That's part of the first person stuff. That way you get your quiet time and he gets playtime. You both win. It's not something designed to punish or manipulate someone into doing things your way. You have the options you can live with (quiet before bed or you don't handle bedtime and get quiet time elsewhere). Then he chooses which he wants to do. If any.

He may loooove putting them to bed / it's totally worth it to him to be able to have playtime. Boundaries aren't about punishment. They're about what we can live with & be happy with. He gets playtime, you get alone time. Or it might not work at all... Because of ABC. Or XYZ. Or it might only work if the morning schedule is adjusted, or on certain days. Et cetera. Boundaries are about your side of the street. Negotiating is about pragmatics. The "how do we make this work so both people get their needs met?". Tit for tat is lose/lose. Negotiating is about win/win & adapting to changing circumstance.

((Ordinarily I'd edit this shorter, make sure I'm not repeating myself, but I have to dash.))

 

[BloomInWinter]

No understanding is possible when there is no empathy present. Thankfully, we do not need understanding from others to heal. We only need to find good supportive, validating people and professionals who can help us find our way.

We cannot change others. But we can find our boundaries and learn how to defend them. Some examples that come to mind based upon the op are:

• I need you to NEVER make fun of my PTSD diagnosis EVER AGAIN.
• I need you to STOP telling others about my bedwetting. It is humiliating and hurts me deeply.
• I need you to STOP intentionally scaring me. It triggers me and my symptoms get worse. I deserve to live in a safe space in my own home.
• When you [behavior], I feel [emotions] because of my [brief explanation.] I need that to stop.

These are only suggestions based upon my own experience. We cannot heal while living in an invalidating environment. We cannot heal when we feel unsafe in our own living environment. Since we can't change anyone else but ourselves, we can only communicate our needs, and set consequences for when those needs go unmet.

Hang in there. A good therapist can be very helpful in developing the skills to stand up for ourselves, which makes our symptoms more manageable.

You're not "too" anything - too sensitive, too needy, too damaged. You are just a human being with PTSD, and your symptoms are just symptoms. They are not a judgment against your character, intelligence, work ethics, or anything else. They are just symptoms and in time you will learn skills to manage them.

 

[Leah Morgan]

and maybe he needs to talk with your therapist (if you're in therapy) or have marriage counseling to help you work through this with him.

My Councellor offered him some session to help him come to terms with and support him whilst I get help but he says he doesn't have time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your husband is an a-1 douche-bag. Sorry, but purposely scaring someone with ptsd and thinking it's funny is like pulling a Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan whack to the knee to someone's who's legs are disfigured and walk with crutches.

Telling everyone you wet the bed?!?!?

Ok, I'd like to believe that people can change, but your husband really is an asshat with no compassion for others, coupled with the maturity of a pre-pubescent child!!! In short, you can't force maturity on people. It's gonna take a miracle for him to change.

Ptsd won't ruin your marriage. Your idiot husband will. Nobody gets out of this life without some sort of hardship. We all deserve compassion. I suggest that you make firm boundaries. Stick to them.

Maybe you're not aware, but I'd take a gander that people pity you for having married such an asshole. If a "friend" told me about their SO wetting the bed, I'd feel really bad for their partner and wonder why they were with them. I'm guessing you've brushed off his juvenile behavior in the past for whatever reason, but now it's really hitting home. That is, this type of behavior doesn't come out of the blue.

I say get out. Read the TONS of stories on the forum about people who struggle for life. Your husband is ensuring that you don't heal. Dump the loser. Nobody is worth sacrificing your health. NOBODY.