How Can I Tell My Husband That He Makes Me Feel Like I'm Reliving My Childhood.....

[Green pastures]

So this has been my entire marriage if I really take the time to look at it. However. It seemed to be getting better when the PTSD started ...less than two months ago. Anyway. So as I said on my trauma diaries.. something happened this past week that allowed the circumstances to play themselves out in which I feel like I felt during childhood. In all honesty I feel like I am that 5 year old girl again. Only existing to please others. I have no Importance. My thoughts if they differ from what others tell me I should feel or do are WRONG. I CANNOT EXIST AS MYSELF BECAUSE I AM TOO ANNOYING TOO WHINEY TOO NEEDY ...I CAN ONLY SAY OR DO WHAT I'M EXPECTED TO DO. ..


so what happened is I was brave enough to invite my husband with my therapists okay... however it was fully my idea
.for real. To have him come to an appointment with me for 30 of my 90 minutes on the 22nd of June.

He agreed and said he wanted to go and said it was no problem to get someone to watch our kids...or so I thought . ...looking back he did appear uneasy about it for some reason even though he wants to know. .????

So last Wednesday after my son's baseball game. (Which mind you being at a field like that brings back a lot of fear and memory's of abuse. ..) anyway since my son's team is tied in first place with another team at this point they want to have a tournament with the top four teams ...starting the 22nd. Now mind you two days before is when he ....my husband J. Agreed to go to me ..said he wanted to go to therapy with me to learn how to help me and more about me...

Last night I asked ..if he had lined up a sitter yet. AND you know what his response was. "Remember that is the day of Z (my sons) tournament . And S. Their head coach cannot be there because of prior commitments so I Have To Be there"

So that told me and made me feel like my problems are second class do not really matter if it interfereS with anything that differs from what he thinks is better. So I thought so my need of you being there is not the same as S. Commitment to his family. So I do not matter to you then. So I said "well don't worry about it obviously it is it important enough to you so just forget it.
." Which I know was a reactive protective lash out. But I didn't really believe he would do that to me still even when he knows what my childhood was like...exactly like that...but now as an adult I should matter but I don't.

So after text exchanges. ..he came up with that I could have what I need by h coming toy appointment if the game starts after eight at night.
Which is not acceptable for me. I cannot fathom going to that place (even though it is not the same place as my childhood it still reminds me of it).... after I'm at therapy. And he only came to that conclusion when he realized I was still going to go to my therapy. After he left the session. It's like he thinks I do not really need it and doesn't get why I need time afterward to decompress and process what was discussed and what occurred at therapy. I need that. I feel like I'm just a piece that fits in his world only if I do not express any wants or needs of my own. (I didn't when we were first married. I never ever really have ever in my life. But I've always craved the ability to be able too. How can I express this to him..that I need h to need me for me to matter for my wants aND needs to be important to him. Now mind you I'm sure to a point they do but when it is anything like this. Hell no. If it has I don't remember and can't see when it ever . I don't know what to think. And I surely feel like a kid again. And I want to run and hide and break things..or hurt some one ...what I did as a kid. But don't do as an adult because it scares me too much. L. Me having feelings or being someone who matters is not allowed. Is all I feel. I want to have help. But I don't think he wants to really help. That hurts. I'm done talking.

 

[Leah Morgan]

I don't have answers but understand: big hugs

 

[Green pastures]

Thanks. @Leah Morgan ! After I wrote it our and exercised for an hour and prayed. .. I had the strength to tell him or explain even more. He listened he says he accepts and understandS and doesn't care if I go to the game after the session or not but I still cannot bring myself to trust him. Oh well it is a step right?

 

[Friday]

You probably won't like this:

- Something that happens every week is less important than something that happens maybe once a year, or maybe even only once, period.

- While you're talking of being triggered / reminded of not feeling important in your childhood... This is you're son's childhood. Having his parents not show up at an incredibly important game? One that his team may never even qualify for again? That he's not even worth a phone call rescheduling an appointment that happens every single week? He'll remember that for his entire life. That he was playing in the tournament and his parents didn't even bother to come see him play. You're talking about doing exactly what you remember feeling to him.

I don't know about all of the rest of it, but in this case? Your husband is in the right and you are wrong.

 

[Green pastures]

Well thank you for your response I realize this and came to that conclusion. I know you mean well but that does not help me at all. I don't want fixed. I don't told what I should do I want to wrote how I feel. Hear what others would to were it them. But not tell me I am wrong. Even if it is wrong I have to arrive at that myself. I don't need guilt tripped into it. I get that enough in my own mind. (Things I think and know but was not ready to write yet).

I have no clue what I wrote anymore not fully at least. And it was just my way of venting ....for me to process later. And also to receive constructive feed back. Nor to be told what I should do and why it is wrong to be upset. Emotions have to be processed. That is all I was doing.

I will stop there.

After I wrote this. I have talked with my husband in more detail. I had already decided. ..even though it hurts like hell. It makes me feel like I'm trapped. It is real to me. If you have constructive advice. Please share that. Telling me I'm wrong and my husband is right is too f. . ucking much like control. Control is what got me so f*cked up in the head.

I mean no rudeness iny response. I do not need fixed. And I am honestly only 6 weeks after PTSD and symptoms. .memories flooded me. So I have very few things even that I can understand at all.

Thank you for trying to help.

Please don't try to fix me or tell me how wrong I am or how I will do what will kill me. I already know this. I do not need reminded.

Well I know I repeated myself but I don't know how to express ..without sounding like a selfish bitch. Which is what I feel like you think I am? If not cool. And I hope I explained everything I was trying to reply to you @FridayJones correctly.

I am not trying to attack. Yelp or reject what you said. Just expressing how it made me feel. Thanks for understanding. Have a blessed weekend.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This has trauma reenactment written all over it......looooooong term trauma reenactment. Can you see that?

You married a guy and never asserted yourself to him until well into the relationship. Now that he's not responding like you want, like you need, you are throwing a fit and stomping your feet. Well, to be fair, you have indeed thrown him a curve ball here...

So you were never listened to as a child. You never asserted yourself. So you grow up and don't speak your mind, and marry a guy who doesn't expect you to assert yourself. I see it as you subconsciously reliving your trauma and blaming your husband for it all. Is that really fair?

 

[Bookoffee]

I could relate and feel your pain in your first paragraph. I have the same thoughts going through my head. I lost my voice again last year. I have closed up within my self and scared to say one word or reach out and touchmy wife. Every moment is terrifying for me. I am trying to find my voice and figure out what my true complete meaning I am trying to relay to my wife.

Therapy can be rescheduled your son can't. Don't do to him what was done to you. Rise above.

 

[Green pastures]

Never mind.
I don't want this advice.
I don't need people to tell me what I already know.
Thank you but seriously no thank you.
If you read my last post.
I was trying to say without explaining it fully because I don't owe anyone on here anything.
I realized I was wrong I just didn't post it on here (what I decided) which since I have been told how wrong I am. And how even though I said please don't tell me how wrong I am you don't know me.. you do not know what I decided. I wrote ...what I wrote to process my feelings.

If I had a f*cked up childhood. Why the hell does that matter....because to me it does.
Saying I'm being unfair okay.
But you really don't have a right to tell me how wrong I am and why you justify telling me how wrong I am.
That is rude.
And judgemental.
I have enough of that self judgement already.

I realize I cannot control what other people say. Fine.

But can I at least be respected when I say.... please only post constructive criticism. What I saw was not the definition of constructive at all.
Quote of the definition of constructive criticism,
"Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments, in a friendly manner rather than an oppositional one. The purpose of constructive criticism is to improve the outcome."

That response to me was oppositional and i felt attacked.

Whether or not that was the intention it is how it felt.
Saying even if I'm being unfair to my son its been addressd and discussed and resolved which is the right response. I said i do not understand it and it still hurts...yet i am making the choice which i did about 1 hour after i posted my original response. It has already been resolved. If my opinions are allowed. Then let me proceas it in the beat way i can. I've been married 16 yrs in a couple months. Ive not known why i had trouble exprssing myself at the begining of my marriage. When i started too ...years before my son was even born. I f*cked it up. I became codependent with a woman. Which I stopped the emotional cheating 3 years ago. I admit I was wrong. Still even after that I had this feeling in me I never understood until I went to my therapist for my depression. Anxiety shame. Feeling like I matter nothing going at all. Thought the world was better without me.. etc. After I started writing memories flooded me from childhood sexual abuse that started at age five and lasted about 3 years. Then memories of how I was told I was a liar. A horrible manipulative child and woukd never amount to anything. Had shit thrown at me was in physical fights with my dad because he didn't like what i said. After a child hears something enough they believe that is all they ever will be. Even if they don't know why it is all they ever live up to be.
I could honestly care less no not really not being believed and accused of being a terrible mom. Is the worst thing anyone could ever say!
..my husband does not think I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. He told me that me missing one game when I've gone to the 14 other games this season. Is fine.

So really how is what you said helpful to me at all.
I can't take being told something by someone who has some ...what it seems like ? Agenda to make others see how they are hurting their own kids.
Well seriously you honestly have no clue who I am what kind of parent I am nor how much time I do spend with my family.

I'm done with this topic.
post away but I'm done reading things that make me feel less of a person than I know I am.
If respect cannot be given then I'll just respond when I'm angry instead of taking the time to process it.
Tell me how you know how good or bad a parent I am.
Tell me how unfair I am being.
When I only shared one minute (small not time) part of my life.
And all of a sudden you know how good or bad I am at life.
How I already realize that I know how much I never stood up for myself but guess what.
I've already discussed this exactly with my husband and not that it matters ..but we are f*cking working on it.

In case anyone cares. .Constructive would be. "I think if you step back and look at it from your husband's point of view ...your mind may change."
..that is constructive and open ended and allows someone to come to a conclusion on their own.
If anyone thinks telling someone how wrong they are and saying they are doing to their kids what was done to them to prove how wrong said party they are addressing is wrong... is not an attack. Pla
I'm obviously in the wrong place.
I welcome friendly advice not ones telling me how wrong I was ...when you have no clue what the conversation I had with my husband shortly after I posted this. I had a shitty day yesterday. Slept none and was hurting and wanting advice not attacks. That's all.

Thanks for listening. I hope you do have a great weekend.

 

[Green pastures]

@Bookoffee Thank you. That was constructive and kind. That's all I ask. The thing is ..we don't even know if there will be a game. I'm going to my appointment. Y husband will go later. I'm not going to his game that one night. Only because. It is honestly all I can do and I will be spending time just him and I ..already planned another day that week. It's not that I don't care I do.

I hope you don't think I was attacking you @Bookoffee ..I was writing my response and didn't see yours until after I posted. So of I hurt I'm sorry I did that to you.

 

[joeylittle]

I welcome friendly advice not ones telling me how wrong I was ...when you have no clue what the conversation I had with my husband shortly after I posted this. I had a shitty day yesterday. Slept none and was hurting and wanting advice not attacks. That's all.

I hear you.

When you are feeling up for it, give this a read:
community constitution

It will help you understand why we do value all opinions on the forum. I know that you are saying you are open to hearing all opinions, you would just like them to be phrased in a friendly manner, and you wanted advice not opinions. Part of what is useful about being here is both hearing uncomfortable things and having space to assert your own needs and thoughts.

I'd encourage you to use your diary when you just need to get things out - and keep exploring how you can ask for advice in ways that will be helpful to you - and how to keep breathing when you hear opinions that make you uncomfortable. PTSD is hard, really hard, and we all know that. We're all sufferers (and supporters) too.

 

[Green pastures]

@joeylittle - I have looked and studied it before I ever started posting.... but thank you for reminding me again.
There is a difference between... uncomfortable and attacks.
This is part of what the link you posted above states...
" yet allowing members the freedom to express themselves. There is a difference between directly attacking someone, and expressing disagreement with their viewpoint. Governance applies to blatantly attacking another, without restricting expression of oneself within a respectful manner."

Your husband is in the right and you are wrong.

This to me is a direct attack on what is right or wrong for me. Unless I'm misinterpreting it.

So you were never listened to as a child. You never asserted yourself. So you grow up and don't speak your mind, and marry a guy who doesn't expect you to assert yourself. I see it as you subconsciously reliving your trauma and blaming your husband for it all. Is that really fair?

Again how this is not a direct attack to me...if it isn't then I'm really not seeing anything but that.

To be fair. I know i attacked each of the above members (within my post) so for that I do sincerely apologize. ..I was angry and posted when I was mad.

I still feel hurt and attacked none-the-less and it does feel like a blatant direct response without respectfully responding. Saying one disagrees with how I handled it is one thing.
Saying my husband is right and I'm wrong....
I just am unable to see anything respectful at all there.
Nor is saying.... I think not ...after stating reasons why one thinks i sound like i am blaiming my husband...
.if I sounded That way I gravely misspoke it was not my intention.

I thought I was allowed to openly and honestly post. I fully understand I was wrong... I fully accept I need to allow my husband to go pitch at his game and reschedule the appointment I was going to have with him.

My husband told me not to come to the game... he knows I need the time to process and knows that is the only day I can go to an appointment. Missing one game makes no difference if I'm there ...present and spend time with my kids and family as much as I can within the confines of my work and other commitments. That is all I am trying to say.

I want feedback. Just feedback that is not attacking me directly.

I understand everyone is affected by PTSD. differently.

I understand I'm hurt very easily.

I also understand attacks vs opinions.

That is all I'm trying to express. I am not good at writing in a concise manner...even at work. I am actually tired tonight so for me not taking the time to correct typos forgive my laziness.

I hate no one.
I do love everyone.
I try to only respond when I know I am not going to say attacking comments that sound disrespectful. ..that is something i did fail at after i saw what sounded like I was/am a bad mother, And wife...to me i felt attacked.
Asking follow up questions without accusing is one thing.

And I admit I failed in that aRea also so @FridayJones and @itsKismet I apologize for attacking each of you. Please forgive me and thank you for listening.

I do really mean it when I say I know I was wrong and I apologize for attacking. I will strive to do better in the future.

I want to not hurt others and I know I could've tonight and that makes me sick and feel horrible for hurting anyone.

@joeylittle I posted this here because it felt right at the time. I admit I could have been ...no I was not thinking straight. I'd love to close this topic because I'm truly ashamed of what I said in a lot of my posts. And I don't want to have to make anyone feel like I'm going to attack them or remind them of my rude...responses.
So that's all.
I hope I do not sound like I'm just justifing my outbursts and hurtful comments I'm really not trying to do that. Yet I will stop here.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond ....I welcome feedback and strive to understand how to accept it without feeling attacked or hurt. Or like I'm not good enough for anyone else in my life wow my eyes are closing ....and I thought I posted this hours ago....

 

[Lucycat]

So this has been my entire marriage if I really take the time to look at it. However. It seemed to be getting better when the PTSD started ...less than two months ago.

If I read you right, you have had a crap childhood, that has caused your PTSD, but you were only recently diagnosed? For me I was over 40 when I was diagnosed, but with hindsight the Complex PTSD was already there from a very early age. It simply took a trigger at this time for me to explode, have a melt down and get a diagnosis. I am sensing you might have had a similar experience, in that although the diagnosis is new the problems are not.

As it is all new to you, you might not yet have heard of structural dissociation?
It sounds to me as if this might be what you are experiencing. Your responses above - which I fully acknowledge you have apologised for - sound like they come straight from the heart of a sad and frightened child. To me it reads as if you are saying 'please don't hurt me'. This is absolutely not a criticism but an observation. I do this myself - I stamp my feet and get upset when something triggers me, and it is really hard to re-find normality. I have spent a lot of time in therapy discussing and working through this. It took far longer to get my husband to understand my point of view, and that when I am in 'child mode' I am not in real control nor do I make sensible decisions.

I hope you find this helpful, and also get some benefit from the forthcoming session with your husband present. That is something I have never done.