Sufferer Living The Dream

[BlueDream]

Hello Everyone,

I am a 43 year old child sexual assault survivor. I was raped from the age of 4 until age 14. I was assaulted by 4 family members and a family friend. This went on until I
tried to commit suicide and was put in a "locked care facility" and then taken from my family by the state. I remained in their care until my parents fought the courts to get me back.
(One of my abusers was my brother, hence why the state took me out of the home. I didn't know until later that my brother was also raped by the same family members.)

I was bouncing through life doing ok, when I had a seizure in 2000. As a result of the seizure I was put on Xanax. I took them up until April 2013. In 2011 I met my phycologist. I saw him for about a 2 years on and off. He diagnosed me with PTSD. At the time I was taking 3 Xanax a day and not doing much else to cope with life, let alone PTSD. My doctor encouraged me to get off Xanax and I have. It's been a year an a half, and I am ready to try to deal with the rage inside of me.

The rage consumes me, and I can't control it. I have cried more in the last 18 months, than I have in the last 20 years. It's amazing the difference one little pill can make in your life. Prior to quitting I had a few episodes at work dealing with customer service. I tend to take people arguing or being angry, personally. I have tried to control myself but I can feel the adrenaline building, and then boom, it's coursing through my body, and I am shaking uncontrollably and I just want to......(I'm really glad at this point to not own a gun or have any military training) destroy anything (usually a person) on my radar. I was told by a co-worker that I can be scary. ( what a proud moment) I got fired after 8 years and here I am. I don't want to go back to work until I can control this in some way.

I have an appointment with my Phycologist next week. I have not seen him in two years and I'm hoping for some relief from my PTSD. I know it's a long road and I am so happy to have found this forum. It is full of helpful info and has gotten me through the last 3 weeks with some hope for the future. I don't have any friends, I have pushed them all away. But I think this is a community of people I can relate to, so thank you all!!

I just want to be happy, a great mother, and wife. I will find some way to do this because I deserve to be happy. Thank you for taking the time to listen. If I can do the same, just reach out I will be here.

Stephany

 

[Seasounds]

Hello. Nice to have you join us/the Forum!

Thanks for sharing what you are going through; it seems like it is pretty rough for you. And it sounds like you are doing your best, through your suffering. I hope your psychologist appointment goes well.

Speaking for myself, I have needed meds to get through each day. An anti-depressant (SSRI) is calming and uplifting, ad helps reduce negative thoughts. As Providers usually steer away from Xanax-for addictive precautions, I benefit from Klonipin and lorazepam-both addictive, yet my diagnosis and the lack of better options, allows me to receive their calming benefits.

I hope my information helps you; if you need help, talk to your provider about meds. It is common for PTSD folks to need them. The best to you!

 

[shimmerz]

I just want to be happy

Yes. You do. Welcome. I hope you can find peace.

 

[BlueDream]

@Saetva Thanks for your thoughts!! I have been through some very bad days, while off of meds. I think I needed to go without for a while, just to find "me"again. I use mj on a daily bases, and it really helps to put me in a good mood. The only problem is I can't walk around with a joint in my mouth 24/7. I may look into meds again, but I really want to talk to my Phycologist with a clear head.
Again thanks for taking the time to reach out!! Hope you have a great day:)

 

[BlueDream]

Thank you @shimmerz!! You are very kind:)

 

[intothelight]

@BlueDream Welcome and you are right about this being a community of people that do understand. At some degree we share common experiences with symptoms although our traumas are different. I hope you find this site beneficial as you work on your healing.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Blue :'(

You have so much to overcome. If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know. :hug:

 

[BlueDream]

Thank you @Mal Content

It's kind of strange reading this post again. It's been a long year, and you know what, all and all, I feel smarter, and stronger than I did a year ago.
I feel like I own my life, my story a bit more, I'm not hiding and ashamed like I have always been. No more!! No one is going to put me back there, especially me.
Sure I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going, that's the point.

I owe the little girl in my pic a happy life, she got screwed out of hers....

:hug:'s I know you understand, and I thank god you do. Thanks Mal

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I see your strength. I see the fight in you. I know you're going to come out of this as a whole and healthy human. I know that for you and for me.

Setbacks happen (repeatedly, it seems), and sometimes it's hard to remember what you're fighting for. Just know that you are never alone.

And I'm so glad you're not hiding, anymore. The real you is the one worth knowing.

 

[BlueDream]

Not a setback, a learning experience. I need to learn all I can, I got a little behind the curve from childhood, but it's good.

"Calm seas do not make
a skilled sailor"

POSITIVE VIBES

 

[NatBird]

@BlueDream

Welcome:) I'm glad to hear you are so clear about what you deserve. You're so right.

I'm also sorry to hear about the awful experiences that you had.

I'm unable to offer any identification in tetms of medication.
I can relate to having or finally experiencing anger, rage, grief and crying more, in my own case this year, than at any other time in my life. I've connected this to thawing out and it finally being safe too - I guess part of the healing process.

I'm wondering, if you are considering getting support from a therapist? Is this part of the psychologist appointment? If you've looked into ways to discharge anger? I think there are some threads on this topic on the forum that could be helpful.

Wishing you all the best, strength & guidance.