Feel Like I've Failed In My Working Life

[Digz]

So, here's what's happening in my life.
I'm a teacher. I've been moving house, have been teaching 2 very traumatised, high behaviour students who have been making work life very stressful, I have had a meeting at work in which my trauma was mentioned by my boss without my permission and made me feel terrible (he has since apologized and admitted he didn't really realise what PTSD meant), my husband and son have been sick with the flu, so I've had to kind of take care of extra duties... and when I type all this, I think, 'geez no wonder you're super stressed at the moment'!
But, today I rang my boss and said I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week, as my psychonoligst thought time off would be good - but still all I can think is, "I'm a failure. I'm a loser". I just keep thinking, "Normal people (whatever that means) don't have to take time off because they get this stressed. Normal people would get through this".
I know I should ignore my brain when it tells me this, but at the moment I feel like I'm less of a teacher, less of an employee, less of a person than everyone I work with.

 

[jaccat]

'Normal' people wouldn't! I am a supervisor in my work, I have responsibility for anything between 3-20 people a shift. I'm not sure there's any such thing as a 'normal' reaction to work stress. I've got one colleague off long term because she couldn't be bothered to organise childcare while her husband was working away. I've another colleague working for me who is full time carer for his wife- who is blind and has a brain tumour, even though two years ago he was in a major motorbike accident that nearly killed him and has left him with physical disabilities and chronic pain. He turns up to every shift and refuses to let his injuries stop him- I have to hold him back.

From what I've seen, the people who've never had to deal with that kind of stress tend to be the ones that crumble first. I think you have plenty of reason to take time off.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Taking time off when you are overwhelmed is a good thing. It does NOT mean you are a failure. I was so afraid of taking time off (I am a teacher, too) that I kept pushing and pushing. This year I had to take two leaves of absence that each were about 2 months long. And I am taking next school year off. I feel like a failure, but I am trying to look at it as taking time to heal so that I can be more present in all of my life and not just teaching. Taking a few days off is a very smart thing to do so that you don't push yourself beyond your ability to handle your current load- sounds plenty stressful to me! Instead of beating yourself up over this, please try to take time to nurture yourself- you deserve nurturing, too.

 

[Digz]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps and is forcing me to put things much more in perspective. I've often thought in a job like teaching you're better to take time off if things are really getting to you, because it makes you a better teacher and you deal with children better. In reality though, when they find it hard to get people to look after your class when you're away, it's hard not to feel guilty.
I think there's some real truth in what you say - people who've endured a lot tend to be a lot harder on themselves. Sometimes we have a bit of a point to prove, even. You get knocked so often that you just keep barraging through and forget that sometimes it's ok to take a moment and regroup.

 

[ihateusernames]

"Normal people (whatever that means) don't have to take time off because they get this stressed.".

Yes they do. Nearly everybody needs a mental health break sometimes and the ones who don't recognize that and take it just get worse off and become less and less productive and useful at their job. Don't feel like a failure. You wouldn't feel like a failure because you had to stop to eat lunch, would you? This is something you need to do just the same.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

In reality though, when they find it hard to get people to look after your class when you're away, it's hard not to feel guilty.

I TOTALLY understand that feeling. My class has had people from within the school bouncing in and out of the classroom many days because of the struggle to get a substitute. Having a long-term sub in there feels much better to me, but if I could go back in time I would rather have taken the time off as I needed it and not let it build up. But there is no going back only looking ahead and trying to figure out the next best step.

 

[Lucycat]

You are NOT a failure. Please believe that.