I should have superpowers to protect everyone in my life and if I can't I've failed

[Ecdysis]

Someone dear to me is very ill, probably terminally ill.

In addition to sadness and grief, it's bringing up the childhood belief that I'm supposed to be able to protect everyone in my life and if I can't, then I'm failing fundamentally.

I think it's because my parents never protected anybody, so I felt like it was left to me to do it. I was definitely parentified as a child.

I think I had this sense of "Well somebody has to protect everyone, so it's going to have to be me" and I would be quite obsessive about this in an OCD type way. That sort of thing of "don't step on the cracks it'll break your mother's back" thing. Having to do a million different things to "take care of" and "protect" everyone.

And if I fail (as I inevitably will because illness, pain, loss and death are inevitable on some level) then it's all my fault and the guilt is endless.

It seems my brain would rather buy into this fallacy than recognise the horribly painful truth that I too am ultimately unable to protect anyone in my life. I can to some degree - the normal caring and protecting - but that can't actually prevent harm coming their way.

 

[LivB]

I get this to some point, it fell on me a lot as a kid (and also as an adult but I'm less bothered now cos its constant due to my career path) But I think it's useful to look at what you can physically do. Like for me I was blamed for my grandad dying who had advanced dementia, could I have prevented that? No. Did I feel responsible anyway? Yup.

Everyone makes their own path for better or worse. Some things are preventable, some arent but very few are preventable by someone that isnt the person involved. It's not a case of not protecting. Even if it's a baby or child or pet, things happen and they dont always reflect on the caregiver. Never mind in adult relationships where you really have very little influence on anyone elses life

 

[Friday]

In addition to sadness and grief, it's bringing up the childhood belief that I'm supposed to be able to protect everyone in my life and if I can't, then I'm failing fundamentally.

To me? Not a childhood belief, but simple belief.

And if I fail (as I inevitably will because illness, pain, loss and death are inevitable on some level) then it's all my fault and the guilt is endless

Yep.

It seems my brain would rather buy into this fallacy than recognise the horribly painful truth that I too am ultimately unable to protect anyone in my life. I can to some degree - the normal caring and protecting - but that can't actually prevent harm coming their way.

Shades of grey… are difficult…on every level.

 

[PreciousChild]

I totally relate to what you're saying. I recently went through a period in which I worked very hard on the impact of parentification. In a way, it's worse than the abuse itself because the kind of self abuse that results from the internal parent can be lifelong and since it's inside you, you can't just leave. After being made responsible for my dad's happiness throughout my childhood, he attempted suicide when I was 11 yo. I realized that I have, since then, believed that I was guilty of attempted murder and that I therefore deserve to be punished. I resolved that to some extent a few years ago, but I discovered that the problem was more generalized.

Something that I read that I found super helpful is that a parentified child will create an internal parent based on his or her toddler's perspective. Having only dysfunctional parents as role models, it's highly faulty. I realized that every morning I woke up until I went to bed, my internal caricature of a parent was terrorizing me. I'm 55 yo, but at no point did I question it. The goal of the internal parent is actually to protect the child, but the 3 year old version's idea of safety was just avoiding or destroying anything my parents disliked. Since my dad arbitrarily and severely punished me for any slight whatsoever, I became hypervigilant. Another layer I uncovered is that because the child got us into so much trouble with the parents, the child had to be monitored and punished, justifying the methods of an angry internal parent. That is the core of why I hated myself. If someone in my life was constantly getting me into trouble and causing grievous harm because they were bad or stupid, I would resent them and would want to get rid of them. That someone was me.

I'm using the past tense because I do feel that I've worked on it with some success with the help of my therapist. Coincidentally or not, my relationship with my grown child is as good as ever. Good luck on your own work.

 

[No More]

I’m naturally a protective person. If there’s shit going down I would absolutely be one of the people going running.

It got a bit out of control a while ago - my solution then was to sit myself down with a pen and paper and write down reasonably, what I could do.

Ie, I cannot, as an average human with no superpowers protect someone from getting cancer. What I can do however, I’d be a) an amazing advocate for that person, b) I can be there emotionally, c) I can help physically with things that might lighten the load, like making sure the food shopping is taken care of.

I can’t protect people from harm I have no power to stop. Conversely, I know that if I have the power to stop them from being harmed, I know I’m happy to act on that, consequences and all.

 

[hypervigilant]

PreciousChild.
Something that I read that I found super helpful is that a parentified child will create an internal parent based on his or her toddler's perspective. Having only dysfunctional parents as role models, it's highly faulty. I realized that every morning I woke up until I went to bed, my internal caricature of a parent was terrorizing me. I'm 55 yo, but at no point did I question it. The goal of the internal parent is actually to protect the child, but the 3 year old version's idea of safety was just avoiding or destroying anything my parents disliked. Since my dad arbitrarily and severely punished me for any slight whatsoever, I became hypervigilant. Another layer I uncovered is that because the child got us into so much trouble with the parents, the child had to be monitored and punished, justifying the methods of an angry internal parent. That is the core of why I hated myself. If someone in my life was constantly getting me into trouble and causing grievous harm because they were bad or stupid, I would resent them and would want to get rid of them. That someone was me.
This so resonated with me. Thankyou for sharing.