General Ptsd And Joblessness - A Guilty Secret

[Deleted member 28812]

I am jealous at other people because their lifes and their marriages seem so perfect - from the outside.... but then... I am a person who keeps up the appearance. People might think my life is perfect - looking at it from the outside. If we cannot do something I tell people I do not enjoy doing it. PTSD has become our guilty secret. My family have not told the bigger family about him being out of work.
When they told me they did not tell them I grew afraid to discuss that topic with the bigger family.

 

[StarChild]

My family have not told the bigger family about him being out of work.
When they told me they did not tell them I grew afraid to discuss that topic with the bigger family.

Hi @Lemontree, why does your family have to know about your husbands unemployment. Why is it their business, to even discuss it? Or why do you think it is? And why is there guilt? I know, so many questions... But for a better understanding, I would really be interested in the reasons, which lead you to think about that matter in the way you do. So your answer would be very appreciated.

Side note: I as a partner (with or without PTSD), would be very annoyed, that my partner thinks, my life is their families business...

 

[Deleted member 28812]

In my family we stick together and discuss everything. When they did not discuss this with the other family members I felt singled out and ashamed.

Where is the shame? I am from a family that has high standards for behaviour (and so is my husband by the way). So there where times when we were poor but I am from a family that is somewhat well-known where we were from and many of my family members still live, because it is an old and established family.

My husband comes from a family where everybody before him served and so did he... and he ended up with PTSD. Now basically when you come from his family you are supposed to suck it up. If you don't... dunno... it feels against the etiquette *lol*.

My husband went to a school that is somewhat renowed and he made ties with people that could help him and his family had some ties before. He was hired for the job he worked in because of such ties. He worked in a middle position and was promised he would be advanced to a higher position soon... but they were not happy with his performance and questioned his ability to lead which gave his self-esteem a blow, because they basically told him "We wanted you for a high position but you are not able to lead so we don't need you".

From the way that we talk or dress or move we come across as people who have everything going for them and basically have everything handed to them on a silver platter.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes you just have to stop worrying about what people think and just live life. Extended family is awesome, but your little family is more important. Is it more important to focus on what the larger extended family thinks, or focus on how your husband is feeling?

If the family is close, and people love each other, why would they judge him for having PTSD? He served his country, and unfortunately, PTSD is a wound he took in service. It may disable him, he may not be able to work for awhile, or ever. He shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of that.

 

[ground crew]

In my family we stick together and discuss everything. When they did not discuss this with the other f...

Yes, I come from a respectable family. I spent a lot of time worrying about appearance in the world and in particular from my family's perspective. That added a lot of stress to an already stressed environment for me. So, maybe it's okay to put non supportive relationships into a less important catagory. Be careful of self isolation and burning bridges, but let them think what they want. Get on board or get back.

 

[Friday]

I do the same thing, really. Similar background... My father's family is military, my mother's is high science, certain things are simply expected. They are good, very very good people. Very tight knit loving huge extended family. None of them know I have PTSD, although they've all seen some of the effects over the years.

I do best to avoid them when I'm not doing well.

It's been a hard realization. The first time I was doing badly I was thousands of miles away. I was simply not under their microscope. A lot less stress. This time I've been under their noses for 3 years.

I've been trying to move away from my family for the past 9mo. Just far enough to be inconvenient, about an hour or two by train. They're not the primary reason I need to move, but a bonus, I simply cannot breathe well around them, as much as they care. I have to stay close to be near my son, or I'd be in the EU (I had Italian citizenship until last year), or New Zealand, or pick halfway around the globe jus about anywhere as of 3 years ago. For a lot of reasons, no small part, being distance from my family. So that they're happy for me, instead of distressed & pissed off at me.

Their need for everything to be normal, alright, fantastiche, laudable, accomplished & achieving, etc.? Is just a helluva lot of added stress. Everything is not. It is outside of their concept of the world for that to be the case.

 

[seedling]

I think having teenagers is a great leveler. You never know what they are going to do. My brothers and I have no time now for thinking any of us is as perfect as my mom would have liked to think we were.
We've done pretty well accepting our nieces and nephews ( and at the same time our siblings) for who they are without thinking it's all their parents' fault (as in "I would never have kids that would do something like that" lol).

The kids have all done well in the end with parental support and guidance; just no way to fake it when the kids can be so "embarrassing."

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thanks for the replies. You guys are awesome!

@ground crew: self-isolation is a big danger. Talking on this board I learned how good it feels to know that you aren't alone and I wish I had more persons in my life to talk to about this.

I don't know how my bigger family would react if they knew about my husband losing his job.

@Sweetpea76: From a short term perspective losing his job has been good for him. this job was just too much stress. He sleep much better now that he does not have to work anymore. From a long term perspective he needs a job. His self-esteem depends on that.

I applied for a job too and I was turned down. I am even a bit relieved because my children need me. Knowledge in my job changes rapidly and if I am out of it for too long I might not be able to return at all. I think I could live with that. Would not make me happy, but would not destroy me.

My husband otoh is job focussed. He needs a job to help his recovery.

In Germany it is easier to get a job when you are disabled. PTSD is counted as a disability but he refuses to play the disability card.

I know your husband is out of work because of his illness. How does he cope?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My father basically does not get PTSD very well. He thinks it is all in my Vets head. My Vet has a fear of germs. My father had some bad advice like "Well, just demand he does all the dirty job/just force him to work a lot in the garden" or "Just tell him to stop thinking so much".

My husband has a lot of "what if..."s and fears and doubts and my father will just say it is because he has nothing useful to do. Should stop obsessing about things... and well that is not that easy because he has OCD.

Recently however he has begun to treat him with kids gloves sometimes which is not good.

We are close my parents and me and I am unhappy that the relationship between my father and my husband is not a good one in my mind. My father basically thinks my husband only has problems because he thinks to much about everything.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is physically disabled from combat too... so between that and the PTSD he is on a pension. He can't work anymore. It bothers him a lot, but he has made peace with it.

We both have the same degree and field of study, so sometimes he helps me do side work and projects if he is bored out of his skull. He also has some hobbies. Financially, he is learning to negotiate the stock market, and actually made quite a bit last summer when one of his investments paid off. If he is feeling well, he likes to be busy, but he needs it to not have any kind of deadline or pressure on him at all. If he isn't doing well, he needs to be able to isolate and just "get by".

 

[Sweetpea76]

My father basically thinks my husband only has problems because he thinks to much about everything.

@Lemontree, is there a way you can educate your parents on PTSD so they have a better understanding of the disorder? Perhaps have a dinner alone with them without your husband and kids so you can talk to them. Maybe they can watch the video series on here for supporters, or print out the cup explanation for them. In all reality, they are supporters as well if a member of their family is a sufferer.

I've educated my children and parents about my vet's PTSD. I've never violated his privacy, or told any of his detailed trauma stories, but I have told them he has PTSD from Iraq complicated by TBIs. PTSD means XYZ. Sometimes he has XYZ symptoms, and XYZ are triggers for him. Please don't be loud if he can't see you, don't touch him from behind if he doesn't know you are there, etc.

I think until people learn about it, they don't "get it." Maybe once your father understands it is a medical disorder with symptoms and not just poor mental control he will be more accepting.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Could you tell me a bit more about the talk you had with your parents and their reaction.
Mine know he has PTSD but my father has a hard time accepting that it is not "a choice". So my father basically believes it is not really a mental illness unless the individual believes he is Napoleon. Needless to say he believes that mental illness is rare and that my husband is just neurotic.

I wish they had a better relationship because I love both and it makes me sad.