Retreat Mode

[Deleted member 1860]

Every single person I've reached out to has ignored me. I guess I don't have any friends after all. Well, I always knew deep down that I didn't, but this proves it. I reached out multiple times to all, so yeah....f*ck them, I don't need them anyway, especially now that i know i mean nothing to them. I finally realized that the only time they talk to me is when I initiate the conversation and if I don't ever contact them again, we simply will not talk, period.

Really, though, I only have myself to blame. i know I'm a horrid person and you reap what you sow, right? I know I deserve all of this. (I must have been wretched in a past life, too.)

But anyway, I know I'm going into retreat mode. I am going downhill and I just don't care anymore. My dad mentioned this stupid semicolon shit that's going around about how people are getting tattoos to support mental illness and I just snapped at him and said it was a bunch of bullshit. Its not TRUE support in the same way that people buy pink shit just so they can SAY they support breast cancer research, but never have to do a damn thing that inconveniences themselves in the least. Only in this day and age can you simply verbalize "I *support* XYZ" with no other action and people think you're some sort of good person who actually gives a damn. Sorry for the rant, but when you feel as shitty as I do right now, some stupid punctuation mark seems so f*cking shallow to me.

I don't want to deal with anyone and I don't want to deal with anything. I just discovered that my choice of schooling is a terrible idea and that's probably what threw me into this tailspin. I have no room to make another mistake. As it is there is a very small chance that I will be able to work again b/c what employer wants to deal with an employee who suffers from this PTSD bullshit? I feel like I have no future and I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I don't care if I live or die, but I'm supposed to live for the benefit of a few other people. Stupid, right? I feel like I was a serial killer in a past life and I'm paying for it in this one. I'm in the middle of taking two classes right now that don't mean shit anymore b/c I no longer need to take them. Family is visiting next week and I'm already trying to figure out a way to just run away so everyone else can use the "she's not doing well" excuse as to why I'm not making an appearance.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I just want to disappear. I want to hurt myself because i deserve to be punished. No, I'm not stupid. I know I deserve all of this because I brought it all on myself.

No need to reply, I just needed to get this out. That is, same as my journal here on the forum, I'm saying don't reply because its easier to say that then deal with nobody replying......I always hated that nobody wanted to help me over there but the popular people have thousands and thousands and thousands of replies. Again, i'm not stupid, I know I brought this ALL on myself because i'm so f*cking wretched.

I just wish I had a laundry list of the things that were wrong with me so that I could fix them.

I especially don't want that ONE person to reply who is like a broken record and in every post of mine over the last 6 years just says "blah blah blah you're too reactive". PUH-LEEZE. I'm not stupid, and maybe you should come up with new material. I KNOW I"M TOO REACTIVE! (Not trying to be rude, but this person has been nasty to me for a long time. I do have her blocked, but I don't think she has me blocked.) Its annoying when someone makes it sound so simple. You'll know its you b/c you made fun of how I couldn't tell apart the NZ from the Aussie flag given that its 2 f*cking mm tall on my phone and the stars are the size of pin points, and there is no flag identification when you're mobile. SMH.

I honestly don't f*cking care anymore. Don't f*cking care.

 

[hodge]

Oh, itsKismet, I am trying to tread carefully into this thread because I care about you. It's very common for us to think we brought this all on ourselves, but we really didn't. We need to put the blame where it belongs, on our abusers. I know you say you don't care, but I do care about you. You are a very valuable member of this forum and a kind and thoughtful person. Please don't do anything harmful to yourself. You deserve the best.

 

[Teasel]

Morning @itsKismet

I've felt like this plenty of times, and it's horrible, not got any great suggestions just wanted to say I get it

It's like being tied up in knots - on the one hand feeling utterly let down by everyone, and on the other feeling it must be because it's your own fault. Becomes a vicious circle

Excellent ranting btw

Hope it helped to get it out
All the best to you xxx

 

[moonbeam]

I second everything Hodge said.

I don't want to defend the people in your life. I don't know them. I have no idea what their intentions are. However, I would caution that feelings aren't facts. I know I have felt that the people around me didn't care and that I am a horrible person and deserve horrible stuff. And that I'm broken beyond any repair ever and a complete burden to the people around me and society in general. Those are my feelings that doesn't make them facts or true. I don't know your situation too well but sometimes supporters on here feel like sufferers don't care, we do. We just get wrapped up in our own issues. Maybe the reverse is happening, the people in your life are getting wrapped up in their own stuff and not intentionally ignoring you.

I retreat often. I don't think there is anything wrong with retreating to regroup and recharge. Just so long as eventually we get back out there.

I don't know anything about these tattoos but I will look into it. I hate when people use social media to say they support something. Especially the breast cancer posts where they say the country they are moving to, etc. Not only does it not raise awareness, it doesn't educate in any way, and people feel like they've helped so don't donate funds/time. It helps nobody. However I would say depending on the tattoo. At least that's a permanent statement. It does cost money and some effort (even if it doesn't go directly to a mental health charity). So that's slightly better than a generic pink shirt./unnecessary side rant over.

 

[anthony]

If you know you're a horrid person, then you have a choice to make. If you want people in your life, then stop pushing them away. Apologise lots when you f*ck up and slowly change. Pick one thing that you don't like about yourself, and just work on that. Pick the issue, pick your solution, correct yourself until you master the goal. Once you have, pick the next issue. I've only been at this recovery stuff for 10 years now. The first few were up and down, good with the bad, the remainder have been more good than bad. I still work on single things to this day. One thing, that's all I work on with myself, until I've changed it.

I initially pushed people away, it was easier than dealing with another stressor in my life, yet the problem -- I was lonely and becoming a disgruntled f*ck, which I didn't want to be. You make your decisions.

Treat others the way you want to be treated... that is a simple, honest philosophy. If you want to be miserable and alone, then keep treating others like dirt, keep kicking them, and you will be alone. If not... change. Ball is always in your court.

 

[scout86]

@Ms Spock has a great thread going on "cognitive distortions". There are a few in your opening post, but I imagine you know that.

the only time they talk to me is when I initiate the conversation and if I don't ever contact them again, we simply will not talk, period.

I notice that in my own life. I wonder if maybe it's not true for most people. But, to an extent, it might also be a training process. If I want people to call me up, I should try to make it a rewarding experience for them. If they aren't sure what they're going to get when they try, they might end up scared to try.

I just discovered that my choice of schooling is a terrible idea

It seems reasonable that that is part of the problem right now. It also sounds like a potential cognitive distortion. Have you considered sharing more information on that here? There's an awfully wide range of people here who might have insight and ideas that would help.

I especially don't want that ONE person to reply who is like a broken record and in every post of mine over the last 6 years just says

I have no idea who that is. You can be pretty caustic. And, you can do that if you want. The thing is, most people can't find reasons to look past that and still try to reach out to someone. I debated about replying. Happens I'm in a frame of mind right now where I feel like I can handle being attacked. I don't feel like that everyday.

Did you ever get back into therapy? You may have your trauma all processed, but there's a bunch of other stuff, like the things you brought up here, that you really could benefit from some help with. You're right, you're NOT stupid. You DO have a lot to offer. And, I wish I had as many potential years to get my act together as you do.

As far as the job/career goes, maybe what you've been working on isn't the right choice, I don't know. I tried a lot of stuff before I ended up doing what I'm doing now. I'll probably do something else when I'm too old and crippled up to keep doing this. I have trouble working in a conventional 9 to 5, punch a clock kind of job. I'm self employed now, that works pretty well, although some days the boss is hard to live with.

When something happens in my life, like your career problem, my approach is to give my self a set period of time, maybe a day, at most, to feel sorry for myself as extravagantly as I want, to get it out of my system. Then I set that aside and get on with problem solving. You might think of your post here as pause 1?

BTW, I think @anthony 's post is in line for a "superlative like" award. Right on!

 

[Eternum]

Firstly, @itsKismet , please take my post tone in stride. I am feeling robotic and numb lately, which I think colors my tone in a way I don't intend. I don't know you well, yet something I have noticed in my short time on this forum is that you're around. I remember you. It's been my experience that truly horrid people don't go to forums such as this and help others.

I hope this can be something you keep in mind when you are feeling as you were in that first post, that even near total strangers notice and are helped by what you do. Something my dad says too sometimes is, "No matter what state you're in, you're able to help someone if you choose it." Which is why I am here, even though I feel the way I do.

I wanted to expand on what @anthony said. To use an analogy: let's say you're looking for a Honda. You wouldn't go to the Ford dealership and ask them where their Hondas are.

This is the case with people around you. Sometimes, the option is to take a step back and evaluate who these people are, not who you want them to be. If they aren't fulfilling your needs, it's ok to be selective and look for people who do. I can even say from experience that it starts a positive feedback loop. As I let the people go who weren't helping me, and worked carefully to treat my new friends better, they were good to me. They listened. They forgave me of my mistakes when they could tell I was trying despite the fact I have been a real handful. And I was more inclined to become a better person, the person I truly am under all the PTSD.

I can look back in my life and see that I was taught to be an enabler, so my "friends" for a long time weren't really friends. They were selfish people who didn't like it when I stood up for myself. I ran into a lot of situations that you describe, where I was always the initiator. When I needed help, no one was there. If this is more the context of your situation, I'd be happy to share the things I found that helped me through all of that.

I have a lot less people in my circle now, but the ones I do have are cherished, treasured, meaningful. They are precious to me, my real family. This is also something you have a choice about.

 

[anonymous]

I honestly don't f*cking care anymore. Don't f*cking care.

This, in my opinion, doesn't mesh with the tone of the rest of your post at all. I think you care a lot. Why vent about it if you don't.

I'm not personally up for taking direct fire at the moment, but did feel moved to reply, hence the anonymous posting.

I know that people don't always come across in text the way they do in face to face communication with people, but I can only go on what I see here on the forum and wonder how close that is to how you treat and interact with people in 'real' life.

I don't generally tend to respond to you or your posts, not because I don't care, but because I've seen it turn sour too often and I'm not prepared to put myself in line for being on the receiving end of that. You can't keep giving out the way you do at times and expecting people to treat you gently in return, or bite them for responding to you in a similar way to how you respond to others.

I personally don't think you're a horrible person. I've seen you being incredibly compassionate here at times and welcoming. Other times?..a lot less so. My heart goes out to you every time I see you sniping at another person, but I don't think you are able to take compassion easily. My impression of you is of someone who is so scared of getting hurt and rejected that you feel the need to get in there and put the barrier in the way first. Make yourself appear unlikable or unapproachable so no one gets close enough to hurt or reject you. Trouble with that strategy is it leaves you feeling lonely and rejected anyway. It's the same as any of us who push people away, myself included. If you want that to change though, I think you have to accept that the first steps to changing it might need to come from you.

I know you are keen to point to all the processing and healing that you've done, and I don't want to take any of that away from you. It's something you've clearly worked very hard on. At the same time it also feels to me that there are a lot of things still getting in the way of you being who you want to be, and living how you want to live, that you could maybe think about addressing, and I'd second Scout's suggestion of getting back into therapy if you haven't done already.

 

[shimmerz]

It's not what you say to people, it's how you make them feel that stands out. Perhaps you are frozen in (what seems to me to be) a perpetually defensive mode which converts at times as far as I can see, as using offensive behaviour. And there is no knowing when it will come out. And people like consistency. Not random attacks.

I don't know why I am even posting because I feel like absolute Kak right now. Plus, you most likely have me on ignore. Perhaps appreciating other's journeys and looking for their strengths rather than calling out their weaknesses would be a help. It seems to me that your inner critic is so full that you externalize it to others.

How much do you want that to change? Enough to expose your belly? Even just a little?

If you know you're a horrid person, then you have a choice to make. If you want people in your life, then stop pushing them away. Apologise lots when you f*ck up and slowly change. Pick one thing that you don't like about yourself, and just work on that. Pick the issue, pick your solution,

Agree with this 100%. And if you don't know the solution, ask others. Post about it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't be perfect 24/7 which is what it requires. I'm so done with this life .I hate it .

Thanks for your Anonymous response @Ms Spock

 

[sun seeker]

If you want people in your life, then stop pushing them away. Apologise lots when you f*ck up and slowly change. Pick one thing that you don't like about yourself, and just work on that.

That, and also pick one thing you do like about yourself and increase it. There has to be something. Do you sometimes smile at shopkeepers for instance? Try smiling at more people. See how that goes. Then try it some more. Also, observe what others do that makes you feel good, and imitate it, even if it feels like faking at first. That's how change happens. Honesty, humility, willingness to do the work. One step at a time.

 

[fellowsufferer]

For me i feel, people are only interested in there one ego-centric world, most of them (not all!!) the pain of others is something that they block out, it's like we are living in an inhumane world (that claims to be human, but in his core, is not! And i am not a pessimistic, but it is what i'am observing!