Retreat Mode

[joeylittle]

I can't be perfect 24/7 which is what it requires.

I just have to say - this isn't true, and I know some part of you knows that, you're too smart and too well-versed not to.

It's not going to make you feel better, but just to share - I have a small number of people I know I can trust. I know they care about me, they do. And they are good people. Managing to get one of them on the phone is almost impossible. They are really busy, they have kids, they have jobs, they live in other parts of the country. I know they are out there, but no, they don't get back to me. And I never ask too hard because I don't want to be the burden that I can be when I'm really really struggling.

Every single person I've reached out to has ignored me.

So, this sentence - I say this out loud in therapy about once a month.

But I know it's not about me, and I have to remind myself it's not about me. Even if part of it is - if I reach out to someone on the day that they are just overwhelmed in their own life and they think, 'oh, I just cannot talk to joey right now, because she's probably struggling and I cannot do it today ' -well, that's not even really about me. I have that thought about people too. It's never about them. It's about my own capacity.

Really, though, I only have myself to blame. i know I'm a horrid person and you reap what you sow, right? I know I deserve all of this.

This right here, this core belief - this is something that you need help with. Does it go away? I don't know. Mine hasn't. But 'you reap what you sow' is, in this context, bullshit. You can start your life differently every single day if you want. Easier said than done, but it's true. And continuing to hold onto these ideas about yourself isn't going to help.

I kind of feel like the pot talking to the kettle, but whatever.

From what I can tell, something has gone wrong at school or with your course of study - is that the thing that triggered all of this?

 

[anthony]

I can't be perfect 24/7 which is what it requires.

Nobody said you do... but you can't be a total bitch to someone and expect them to just be ok with that, as though you never did it. Treat others as you want to be treated... has nothing to do with being perfect. I'm far from perfect, but I want people in my life, so I don't push them away near daily. People in your life respect time and deserve your time, and yes, you will find people who you have to do all the work... and maybe they're not the right ones to have in your life, but more equality. No relationship can be one side or the other, that is a recipe for failure. But those that are equal, or where you want the relationship and it is your side failing the equality, that is in your control to change.

If you have a need to be a bitch to people, go do it to strangers who you never expect anything good from. So doing it here... where you also want help, support, to toss ideas around, probably not the right place for bitch mode.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Who edited my post?

I called out @Ms Spock for posting anonymously. I was told that I was allowed to do this. (BBy Anthony in the help forum) t is now against the rules, then edit out the post where it was done to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I do have to be perfect because that's what no episodes entails . I didn't start getting reactive until after everyone ignored me. f*ck them. f*ck everybody. Nobody would notice if I died, and that's the litmus test for living.

 

[joeylittle]

I called out Link Removed for posting anonymously.

It's been restored.

You have absolutely no proof supporting your theory of who @anonymous is on this thread.

I recall the last time we got into false accusations against another member, things ended badly. I'm not trying to bait you or rile you up; but please take a breath before you invent things that you've got no evidence for.

 

[anthony]

I called out Link Removed for posting anonymously.

You're making yourself look a fool, and should stop it now... once again, going on the attack, again, you're in the wrong. You just should stop it... yet seems you're incapable of change.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ended badly? That was a normal day on the forum for me! I'm very much aware of how hated I am here. Please don't insult my intelligence as I'm not blind to the fact that I'm despised.

It is clear that there are forum favorites though. Just as there are those who are universally hated .

So Anthony, how many people have killed themselves after you attempted to rip them a new one? I'm sure more than one! People come here for help and get put in their place.

Thank god I don't give a damn what anyone here thinks of me .At least I'm strong enough to not succumb to big bad bullying!

Lmao.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm still trying to figure out why this is in the "discussion" forum. Melt downs... hate em right? (I know I do.)

 

[The Albatross]

I hope you recover soon. It sounds like you're way overloaded and flooding. But there are things in your opening post that are cognitive distortions. A bit ago even Rainy gently challenged your idea that "no one responds" to your posts.

It sounds like the pressure of the choice of university and "not being able to make a mistake" are taking their toll on you. I hope that as or if you retreat, you get the levity you need to make the best decisions for your education. Really.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm very much aware of how hated I am here. Please don't insult my intelligence as I'm not blind to the fact that I'm despised.

Alright, you just keep up with that mind reading, then.

Look, you're clearly histrionic, and some shit has gone down in your life that is driving it. I'm not pressuring you to tell this thread what it is - but things usually start to feel a little less pressurized when they get aired, no? What concerns me at the moment - and I am concerned - is that you have a very clear cycle. You're level, then you start to sink, then you heap tons of abuse on yourself, then you get level again. So, what brings you back to level? Can you use that skill now?

It would be an insult to your intelligence to not challenge you to try something different this time, other than insisting that 'everyone' hates you and dropping hints about considering ending your own life. This is what you do when you get overwhelmed, it seems. I can poke that black dog too - but all it does is make the suffering worse.

Who are you doing penance for, anyway?

 

[anonymous]

So Anthony, how many people have killed themselves after you attempted to rip them a new one? I'm sure more than one! People come here for help and get put in their place.

Is that what you're afraid of? That people have killed themselves because you've attacked them? Or that if you let someone close to you, it would kill one of you?

 

[The Albatross]

I'm very much aware of how hated I am here. Please don't insult my intelligence as I'm not blind to the fact that I'm despised.

With all due respect this is an online community... community being the operative word. You yourself, on your own diary usually specifically state, often, "no replies" or some such. You did it again here but you put it on a discussion forum. Looking at the above responses since your initial post, you have ample evidence, if you choose to pause long enough to read and absorb it rather than remain reactive... that you have some really good moments and do receive support.

Personality differences we all have them. I am not (as you are well aware) everybody's cup of tea... neither or you, or nearly anyone else in this community that you can name.

Don't delude yourself and negate support you've received when you're clearly in a reactive and difficult spot. That's all I'm saying. Escalation in the manner you are suggesting is false... but it is serving a purpose for you right now. What are you avoiding to talk about really?