Breaking Patterns

[Casey_03]

I have the bad habit of getting involved with men who, in some way or another, constantly end up hurting me. Sometimes it's because they're just not good guys, sometimes because they are just emotionally unavailable. But they always end up worsening my symptoms. I need to break this pattern but don't know how. I am only attracted to this type of guy. Every single man I have had a relationship with has been this type, and I've gotten hurt over and over again. I realize why I go for these guys now - because I myself am emotionally unavailable and it's a way of guaranteeing that I won't ever have to get too close. But even though I'm aware of this, I still can't stop myself from falling for the guys who end up hurting me. How do I stop this? Can I stop this or is it just so deeply embedded in my psyche that it's pointless to try? It's really quite masochistic and it causes me major emotional distress and worsens all my PTSD symptoms.

 

[Friday]

What's the longest time you've gone single?

 

[Casey_03]

A few years

 

[scout86]

Can I stop this or is it just so deeply embedded in my psyche that it's pointless to try?

I'm pretty sure it's not pointless to try. I have a tendency to do the same thing. Maybe it's more complicated that just "being unavailable". There might be a lot of different things that go into making you what to be "emotionally unavailable". You probably need to sort the reasons out in order to have the information it takes to work on the problem. Personally, it seems like the only men who find ME interesting are that type and it's kind of hard to make better choices then. But there also must be a reason for that part of the situation too. I have more questions that answers. Sorry! (I'd like to add I was thinking about you last night, when the news was on, and wondering where you were and how you were doing, so it was good to see a post from you show up here!)

 

[illusionist]

I was very much like you are until I realised it was something I needed to change about myself.......well, a whole lot of things! I took the time out of getting involved, ten years, and worked on getting myself to where I needed to be in order to make proper decisions in life that were good and healthy for me.

I took a really hard look at myself....my ways of thinking...about myself and others...my actions....my reactions...my perceptions....all the things I thought were me and I couldn't change.....I did.....I questioned many things...and changed what I could.....hard work!


By changing myself, I changed how others treated me. I now cringe at what I put up with in the past...and now see the bad boys for what they are rather than what I think/ thought they are/ were.

 

[Lady McCormick]

I just wanted to chime in and say I relate quite a bit. I think a lot of these issues link back to self worth. I had some serious self-worth issues that my therapists and I have worked through / are still working through.

Once my Ts helped hammer it through my thick skull that I'm worth more than nothing, I found I would no longer tolerate a significant other who treated me like I was crap.

I'm in my first "healthy," "equal" relationship (according to my T). It still feels really new to me and I've been unsure, but I'm getting used to it.

Therapy's tough but it's really helped.

 

[Casey_03]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I will definitely do some major self inventory about this. I was in therapy for a while but can no longer afford it, so will just have to be more mindful of who I get involved with from now on. I should clarify that they're not all "bad," some of them are quite nice and caring -- they're all just unavailable in some way, and I find myself pursuing them instead of finding someone who can actually be there for me. I suppose it is really my own fear of intimacy. It's easier to make them out to be the villain and play the victim than to admit that I'm just not ready to really be close to someone. So I waste my time on guys who I know will never be emotionally available. I guess it's good that I at least am aware of this.

 

[illusionist]

It is good when we become aware, then we can make the move to change things.

One of the things I realised was that while I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men I saw them as strong...not weakened by emotions of love or attachment..love to me, at that time, was something for weak dependant people...where people took over me/ the one in love. This attracted me big time. I couldn't hurt or be hurt if neither of us were emotionally available....could I?...the reality was the opposite. I spent more time in tears back then than I have done since I've been in a loving relationship.

I worked on the root of that belief and why I believed it and reorganized my thinking.

Regarding not being in therapy, it really can be done without it....I did. I went to basic counceling where I was made aware of some problems that I did have....but most of the work and realisation was done on my own after that finished...I had to be brutally honest with myself and work hard to make the changes.

Good luck!