Thanx for the nice welcomes from everyone. Did not realize how long I had been gone until today when I was working my way through the new web site, well----new to me at least.
My body and mind have taken a beating over the past few years. Ever since mother broke her femur and I've been the 24/7 caregiver. Can't leave her alone unless she is in bed and her walker is out of reach. She loves laying in bed and would do so 24/7 if I let her. Thank goodness she is TERRIFIED to walk without the walker--but she can't walk without it anyway. So I get to go out once a week to one store for food, meds, cat litter, etc. Then back home. That is my life. ! ! !
I go no where, do nothing, have absolutely NO OTHER PERSON IN MY LIFE, have no one to talk to but mother and she has dementia/possible Alzheimer's. This has been my life since 2009 when she fell and broke her femur. She is my mother and I love her, but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO ME. My only grandchild is growing up without me. I am not there to see and enjoy one of life's most special and precious blessings.
I have begged and even tried to bribe my sister to come and give me a break--------1 frickin week away------NOPE!
Stress is a killer. It destroys the mind and body and that is what it is doing to me Some times I just sit and stare out the window. I am trapped in my space. So, YES! I am depressed. I get anxiety attacks and panics all the time. Being tied to my tiny world has only served to increase my Agoraphobia to a barely manageable level. Even thinking about going outside puts me in a tail spin.
Now don't anybody tell me to get outside help-visiting nurses, etc. We can't afford any visiting help and we have just enough money over the limit so we don't qualify for any govt assistance. and yet we are within the poverty level. I am not looking for pity. As I tell mother all the time--"I bought the ticket for this train ride" Just did not plan on the incredibly damaging affects that anesthesia would have on mother's brain and what it would do to my/our world.
THIS IS JUST SO DAM UNFAIR. I was doing so well with my life and managing to cope with all my issues. It has been a while since I really stepped back and LOOKED at my life. Well, I finally did step back and discovered that I am a prisoner in my own home with NO friends. I have no one to talk to. Just imagine this. if you will. Take all the people you know and love out of your life. Stop going outside. Get so isolated that your phone stops ringing. Seriously. Think about this and try to imagine living this way..
Mother just turned 91 and I know I am blessed to have her in my life. I am thankful every day, even if I don't sound like I like it. But would you not be depressed too? DAM, THIS IS SO HARD
I thank anyone who has taken the time to listen.
