Dom Violence Still Love Abusive Ex. Is This Even Normal? Hate Myself For This.

[Crazyinlove13]

I've been out of an abusive relationship three years now. He's in prison (unrelated drug charge) so zero contact. The abuse was pretty serious, physical, sexual, mental, everything, including some pretty messed up bdsm and sexual torture that I definitely did not consent to. I'm dealing with serious ptsd effects after all this, and am generally messed up (still jumpy, trust-issues, sleep barely 4 hours a night, constant nightmares, a lot of flashbacks, and the list goes on and on and on). Well, despite all this, you know what's one of the hardest things to actually confess? It's that I still love the guy, miss him (!!!!!) and often worry about how HE is doing etc (doesn't that just top it all). Now I realise this is totally crazy. Has anyone else had similar issue? I mean on top of all the ptsd stuff, the LAST thing i need is to be missing him!!! Hate myself for this!! :mad: After all that has happened, I should hate HIM, but I don't. Anyone have any experience/advice/whatever to share?
Thanks.

 

[The Albatross]

Reads more like an unhealthy obsession than love.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would self examine the truth of the relationship and it's effect/impact on you against the illusion/obsession of the love. I had to do that it with my first husband ... an obscure song lyric... something like "and addiction and left me with an affliction" (?) or some such. Can't recall it to mind right now.

It isn't though crazy... it's common in a very passionate/volatile/dysfunctional relationship. I know I been there. But, (big BUT)... as you are shifting your "worry" to him and how he's doing... what are you avoiding and not attending to?

 

[Crazyinlove13]

I think I would self examine the truth of the relationship and it's effect/impact on you against the illusion/obsession of the love. I had to do that it with my first husband ... an obscure song lyric... something like "and addiction and left me with an affliction" (?) or some such. Can't recall it to mind right now.

True, I've tried to examine it in depth, and rationally It's all very clear, and I know perfectly well that it isn't love from his side, that love doesn't leave scars and bruises and all that. But that's rationally and theoretically. In practice, despite KNOWING better (and believe me, I do KNOW better), there is still a part of me that loves him despite everything, that tries to justify him, and even hopes for his recovery (!!!! which last is the most dangerous).
It's hard to accept, and it's hard to live with, but I love the damn guy, even after everything that he's done, and I have no idea how to stop this!! Rationally I've reasoned it out, and I'm NEVER going back or anything, but my imbecile of a heart obviously likes torturing itself!

It isn't though crazy... it's common in a very passionate/volatile/dysfunctional relationship. I know I been there. But, (big BUT)... as you are shifting your "worry" to him and how he's doing... what are you avoiding and not attending to?

Yessss, that's the big part of the problem!! That worrying about him and how he's doing distracts me from what I should be doing - Looking after my daughter and rebuilding my life! :'( I feel like such an idiot.

 

[Friday]

It's super normal leaving abusive relationships. It's part of why a normal & healthy relationship might have 1-3 break-ups (usually 1)... But statistically it's 7+ times of the abused spouse actually leaving (packed bags, new place, and all) before they leave for good. Sigh. One of the things I tell battered spouses who are all torn up about leaving, is not to worry! You'll probably go back! :) Always elicits a WTF??? moment... Where they stop arguing about going back right then and there and take the "Why would I do that? He broke my face? He threatened my kids! I hate him! WTF is wrong with you?" Stance, even though they were on the other side half a second ago.

Because if this is your first time leaving? Or even your 3rd? Or 5th? You're probably going to go back.

7+

It is the tiny, tiny minority who can make that separation in their head that love isn't enough. That all the good times (because there are usually far "more" good times than bad; even though in a healthy relationship, there isn't bad, once! Abuse doesn't happen, at all, in healthy relationships.) Who can know that they can (and probably will!) still love their abusive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend ... And that leaving is still the right. thing. to. do.

It's also normal in healthy relationships to still love the person you're breaking up with. To still have feelings for them. But they leave, not because of abuse, but because of a different paradigm... Each of them deserves the best and neither of them are able to provide that for the other person. It's a sad thing, when you love someone, and it isn't working. But it's a tragedy when you go back to someone who would sacrifice your life for their own happiness. Normal people don't ask that of others. Abusers? Demand it.

 

[Justmehere]

There was a reason why you were together to begin with. There were things you really love about him, and miss even now. That's ok. Normal.

Trauma bonding is really normal for survivors too. It can feel like it is love, but it is survival based bonding - some say it's almost stronger than love. You developed a bond with him through the trauma to survive it.

It's hard and confusing to deal with. It doesn't mean you liked it or deserved the abuse.

 

[shimmerz]

including some pretty messed up bdsm and sexual torture that I definitely did not consent to.

BDSM complicates matters too. If a Dom/Sub dynamic were in place then you would have been brainwashed to believe that he was your 'leader' and those with trauma can easily fall into that. I would suggest a BDSM site for DV survivors if you feel this may apply to you.

 

[Crazyinlove13]

BDSM complicates matters too.

I would suggest a BDSM site for DV survivors if you feel this may apply to you.

Yes it does complicate things, though I never willingly agreed to anything like bdsm, it's something I've never liked or enjoyed even remotely, and never been into at all, though he was into it a LOT, so I'm not sure where the boundary was between his bdsm ''game-playing'' and outright abuse, since I didn't ever agree to do bdsm etc - I'm not sure if he made any distinction between that.
I'll look into a ''bdsm site for Dv survivors'' if I can find one, though I'm not sure that it's right for me, since it's not something I'm into and so i'm not sure if it qualified as forced bdsm, or just abuse. I've got my thoughts all confused today, i'm not sure this post makes much sense, sorry about that.

 

[Crazyinlove13]

There was a reason why you were together to begin with. There were things you really love about him,...

Any ideas how to stop missing him? Same as for a normal (i.e non abusive) relationship or something different? He seems impossible to get over, and I totally idenfity in that ''survival based bonding'' you mentioned, I daresay there's a lot of that here too.. I just wish I could hate him, but I simply can't.

 

[Crazyinlove13]

But it's a tragedy when you go back to someone who would sacrifice your life for their own happiness. Normal people don't ask that of others. Abusers? Demand it.

So, so, so true... :(

 

[Crazyinlove13]

Thank you all for answering this by the way!! Your answers are really helpful, thank you..

 

[shimmerz]

though I never willingly agreed to anything like bdsm, it's something I've never liked or enjoyed even remotely,

There are lots of BDSM wanna be's (doms who know nothing about respect). They feel like BDSM is a quick and easy way to get submissive persons to abuse. And if one is a trauma bonding type of person it is really easy for someone else to back a trauma bonded type into a corner to be 'their submissive' and abuse the crap out of them. And then force them into BDSM. It is abuse on all levels. I am very sorry this happened to you.

The idea of BDSM is NOT to abuse - it is for consensual kinks. There is a site called BDSM Library I think that have some very smart people on it that can help you. I was looking at it years ago because many of the people on the site (doms and submissives and switches etc) have traumatized backgrounds. I learned a ton about the lifestyle (although it is not for me), and got real insight into how people 'fake being a dom' to abuse. The respectful ones and the women who have suffered are really quite insightful when it comes to trauma and PTSD.

No worries if this doesn't call to you - but just thinking out loud because you may be able to understand better how you were hooked into it inadvertently. Best of luck to you.