Looking For Advice, How To Deal With My Supervisor

[Mallaky]

Hello

I am a bit desperate and confused right now, and would be very happy about any advice. I am just very clueless, as in: I have got no clue.

So, I am getting welfare/unemployment money for a few months now. My welfare supervisor has no clue about PTSD whatsoever. She said, she would look it up until our next meeting, but I cant count on that. Our agreement was, that I work hard on my mental health and look for therapists. She is not having any other demands on me, until she has some medical advice.

So, therapists have long ass wait times. Made date with many, before I even met my supervisor lady. Three meetings were schedules to happen. First was a total disaster, total horrorfying nightmare with a clueless doctor. Stormed out of there. No chance in hell this would work. That was with a generell mental health clinic.

The other two were with PTSD experts. Both (!!!) canceled the appointment the day before.

I planned to contact them, so they will give me a piece of paper that I can wave infront of my supervisor, which says that they canceled. Yeah well

Post here is on strike. Today arrived a letter, 14 days old, that on monday I need to meet with my supervisor.

edit: I described this all very badly, I hope you get an idea about the situation though

Last time was very horryfing. She is not cruel but not kind, has no idea whatsoever about PTSD, and asked intense questions. She was relentless in her robotic indifference and I am very afraid that this will happen again. I am pretty sure that she thinks of me as an lazy slacker who would invent any kind of nonsense to cheat the system.

I am always keen to appear cooperative and engaged to people who can make my life hell, because I am and because institutions scare the bejeezus out of me.
Cant think straight right now, how should I go about handling this situation?

How do you say I should try to handle this situation. What should I prioritize. Reading my own words now, I dont even know what the big deal is. Why that intense reaction about something pretty ordinary. Dont know. :( Just now I am very afraid. Lol I have no clue whats going on

 

[Friday]

If you try to appear cooperative & engaged... And she's any judge of character at all... She knows you're bullshitting her. What she won't know is why/what you're bullshitting about, just that you're lying, and she'll fill in those blanks as she pleases. Maybe she'll just think you're scared, or over eager to please... As a boss it's incredibly frustrating to deal with these people, because you never get the full story, only what they think you want to hear, but that's still better than when you fill out the blanks to include scamming or cheating the system.

So my suggestion is to stop. Be honest, if discrete. Honesty doesn't mean you tell everyone everything. If you had a fantastic relationship with your supervisor, then no worries. But from description, she's seeing that you're putting up a front with her, and she's filling in the blanks in a way that is not to your benefit. So there's not only no point in the front, it's actively hurting your working relationship.

 

[Mallaky]

I dont understand what you are trying to say @FridayJones. Maybe I used wrong words?

I am not bullshitting. :cautious:
I dont tell people "what they want to hear". What? :bored: I just like to show that I am cooperative, and in the past people so often interpreted my issues as willfull stubborness and lazyness. And if this happens in this situation, it can have dire consequences.
Why would she be seeing that I am putting up a front after one meeting, when I dont ever put up fronts?? I dont even...


I am a cooperative & engaged person, and I hate when fear and confusion nails my mouth shut.
I really dont know where your post came from and why you came to those conclusions and what you are even advising there.

I have a big fear of institutions and situations like this even at the best of time, and panic is getting the worst of me right now.
I am gonna have a stressfull meeting, with an uneducated person who has great power over my life.


Honestly, why even say these things.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, @Mallaky - I have some suggestions, they may help. I also don't really know the culture in Germany when it comes to welfare/unemployment/disability/mental health, so some of my ideas might be poor.

The other two were with PTSD experts. Both (!!!) canceled the appointment the day before. I planned to contact them, so they will give me a piece of paper that I can wave infront of my supervisor, which says that they canceled. Yeah well

OK, so this is actually a mistake that you made that you can just try and remember to not make again - because you'd feel less stress right now if you had notes from them. BUT: do you have the messages that they used to cancel? Email, or phone? Do you maybe have a notice confirming the appointments at least? Think creatively about any form of documentation you might have. And before you see the supervisor tomorrow, can you ring both places and re-schedule appointments, or send email and bring a copy to your supervisor? Besides showing her, it would be good to try and re-book, right?

She was relentless in her robotic indifference and I am very afraid that this will happen again.

Since you know what it feels like, you can prepare a little. It's frustrating, because you are dealing with the much larger issue of your health and your life, and she has a very, very narrow focus - it's her job to make sure you are taking steps to find a doctor. That's pretty much it. Try and keep breathing, and reminding yourself that dealing with her is just a tiny, tiny part of the bigger picture of your life. It's a tough part, but a necessary one. Anyway, that's the kind of thing that has helped me when I've needed to deal with administrations about my own health.

I am pretty sure that she thinks of me as an lazy slacker who would invent any kind of nonsense to cheat the system.

No, that's you mind-reading. Since this thought is going to cause you nothing but stress, turn off the thought totally. You know you aren't that person, right? If there's anything in that statement that you DO use to judge yourself (like, do you think you are being lazy?), then spend a little time making a list of the reasons that you are not lazy. And when you're dealing with mental health stuff, that includes 'normal' stuff. It's a big deal when you can get to the grocery, or take a shower, or even sometimes get out of bed. Remind yourself how you are trying.

Overall, I think that you are having an understandable anxiety response, but it's also what is causing you to feel stress and upset. So all the suggestions above are ways to manage that anxiety. Whatever else you do to take down your anxiety level might help as well.

 

[Friday]

I am always keen to appear cooperative and engaged to people who can make my life hell, because I am and because institutions scare the bejeezus out of me.

It may honestly just be a translation misunderstanding, @Mallaky.

Keen to appear a certain way, is very different from actually being a certain way.

Honestly, why even say these things.

Because you said she views you as one way, when you attempt to appear the exact opposite... And seemed to be pretty freaked out about that happening again, when you have a lot riding on it. AKA I was trying to be helpful.

I've been in both positions, both as an employee who didn't know any better trying to put up a front / wanting management to see me in a certain way, and as a boss or on the management team dealing with employees who are putting up fronts... And know from the other side both how obvious it is when someone is doing that, as well as how often that backfires. It was a major lesson to learn not to do that, and why... Because what they imagine is far worse than the reality. There's an EasyButton answer to that kind of very tangled misunderstanding, which is to drop the front around your boss, so that they can see you're sincere.

If I misunderstood, my apologies.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello @joeylittle. Thanks alot. No, even more.

All your suggestions concerning the canceled therapists dont work. So I think I am just gonna take their contact information, mail and phone, with me and give them to her, saying that if she wants she is welcome to check, as I forgot to document it. That should work nicely I think, because its the best I can do.

Concerning her robotic indifference, I started to think it was abit of my fault. I did not set any limits and did not tell her how difficult it was for me. I plan to tell her these things and see what happens. Trying to remove the thing that hurts from the equation. Because if I had not opened up so much, it would not have mattered. Maybe, I wanted her to be warmer and less distant/proffessionell, which sets me up for failure. After this, your suggestion is the 2nd lifeline.

Oh, mind reading! That cursed distorted thinking. Thanks for pointing that out. How do these things sneak by so easily? Sneaky buggers.
I know I am not lazy, even though my whole life people tried me to convince otherwise. I think one of the reasons I am pretty sure I am whatever the opposite of lazy is, are those people. I always tried very hard to prove them wrong. Never worked, but the good parts of that sticked with me I feel.

Thanks for your empathy and calmness and invitation to think logically. After writing this post here I feel like there are things I can do.

 

[Mallaky]

Ah, yes @FridayJones, I think its all a big misunderstanding.

I should have said, that "I am keen to communicate that I am motivated and cooperative." does that sound better to the native speaker's ears? :D

I think I am honest to a fault sometimes, so I did not understand why you said these things and felt hurt. Also, I was feeling very bad and now I am already doing much better. From "oh dear, no, no, no, no, no" to "I can do this! Well, I have to."Sorry for jumping on you, when I am "in the zone" I sometimes feel that everyone is out to get me

:hug: