Relationship Trying To Avoid A Huge Fight

[Sephira]

Hi everyone! Posting here because I'm frustrated and at my wits end.

Those of you who have read my posts know I've been with my significant other for seven years. He has PTSD. He's special forces stationed in the Middle East. Our relationship was a roller coaster for years but I finally set boundaries and we both tried really hard to make things better. It worked and we've had a really great last two years (hence my lack of posts)!

But the last few weeks things have gotten not so great again. His job is very stressful and he's remodeling his entire house. This makes him busy and stressed. As a result, we've been talking far less and he is taking lots of space. The remodeling will take at least two months and so his stress levels will be ultra high until then. And on top of that I'm due to go to London to see him in November to see U2. Basically he's a giant stress ball.

We are fighting a lot lately, the littlest thing is setting him off. I can't tell him how I feel because any relationship chat sets him off. When I try, he gets very upset and isolates even more. I'm not getting my needs met right now and I don't know how to fix it. So basically we're at a point where I'm unhappy and he thinks I'm unbearably annoying and doesn't want to communicate much.

He is normally so wonderful and I love him so much and once his house is done everything will go back to normal. I'm just worried about lasting that long. When things get this way, eventually there is a giant fight. He's so stressed I'm afraid it will result in a breakup. And it won't be over something big, it will be over something small like my tone or me getting upset over his isolating- like the straw that broke the camel's back.

He hasn't been like this for so long! Do I just deal with it for now? Any advice would be appreciated- thank you!!

 

[Sighs]

Are you guys long distance? Is he currently on deployment? Are you living in his house that is being remodeled?

What needs of yours are not being met? Is there anyway to get them met elsewhere without compromising your relationship?

Sorry for all the questions - just trying to understand your situation better before wading in with advice.

 

[Sephira]

Are you guys long distance? Is he currently on deployment? Are you living in his house that is being rem...

Yes- we're long distance for the next year or so. He lives alone in the house that is being remodeled.

What needs of mine aren't being met? Well, I guess I can't talk to him about what is wrong- at all. And we aren't spending much time- which is so important in keeping a long distance relationship going. I'm not talking about hours and hours. I'm talking about answering texts and phone calls. He is rude and mean lately. Totally not him, and it caught me off guard I guess. He's flaky, he makes promises and then breaks them. Everything was great then went south in less than a week. I guess I feel like no matter what I do, it's wrong. When he needs me he expects me to be there but it doesn't work both ways.

 

[Sighs]

In my experience the only thing you can do is be patient. When his stress levels reduce he will come out of isolation. Any attempt to force this will backfire on you as it simply adds to his stress. Two months seems like a long time but at least it gives you some kind of timeframe to work with.

 

[Sephira]

I think the thing that is driving me crazy is that I can't fully communicate with him. Normally I'd say " x and Y is bugging me." Then we'd fix it. But because of his stress talking about it causes more problems than it's worth. I'm left feeling angry and resentful because I can't be open with him right now. I don't trust him to not turn it into a giant deal. And even though I'm pissed off, it isn't worth the fight and possible break up.

 

[Sighs]

There have been periods in my relationship where I have 'lived in my own head' because any comment - any comment at all - would result in an angry response. Its very lonely. Only you know whether you are prepared to stick it out and wait or whether you've had enough. Either choice is valid and neither would mean you were a bad person.

 

[Friday]

7 years = a loooooong time compared to 2 months.

Reframing... Forewarned is Forearmed... Can you view the next 2mo as a gift?

If normally you do A & get B? Which is exactly what you want/need, but there are extraordinary circumstance for a couple of months, where B is out of the question, but if you do absolutely nothing at all in a few months A = B again... Seems like the prudent thing is to... Bide your time

I'm just reminded of so many non-PTSD relationships where people get a free pass for a few months. New baby, major surgery, quarter abroad... Or longer; deployment, cancer treatment, etc, where normal rules just go out the window.... Until things return back to normal.

A few months is forever in a new relationship, but in a long term one -even noPTSD ones- a few months happens. Rather a lot. It's not something broken in the marriage. It's just life when you're with someone for a long time. It's not what either person wants, usually, it's what we're dealt. Planned (new baby) or Unplanned (cancer) where things get lopsided for a time. Where either we take on a huge amount of work to care for the other person (or try and be graceful about not being able to care for ourselves and being totally dependent on someone else), or where they're absent from our lives for a time (or we from theirs), no matter how much we miss them. Periods of 1 doing the work of 2, or 1 waiting for the other to return, because that's simply what we do.

 

[Sephira]

It isn't waiting the few months Friday- I've done that a ton of times before. It's like this every time he's deployed. It's the fact that in addition to me being angry over his behavior, nasty comments, isolation he seems to fly off the handle constantly, nearly every day he is upset or angry with me. Of course he doesn't blame the situation or his attitude- it's always my fault. I'm not putting in enough effort to understand, I have a crap tone, I wasn't listening.... I don't mind waiting. I just don't want him to blow up and break up over something that normally wouldn't be a huge deal before the next two months are done. Trying to behave correctly to avoid conflict is becoming difficult.

And thank you to you and Sighs for replying!

 

[Friday]

Ah drats, I misunderstood... Thought it was more along the lines that you were trying to avoid wringing his neck. I always like that one best in my own life, because if I'm the one about to go vertical? I can alter the situation. Even if it's only to ignore unmitigated assholery until the situation has changed, or one better, be able to reframe it for a while. When it's someone else who has the power in that equation? I'm fine and they're the ones on the edge? Ugh.

Any chance you two might have a Moratorium rule, or be able to apply it? Probably not now, unless you catch him on a great day (those never happen when you need them!), but maybe for the future?

I don't remember who taught me that rule, but it's something I've used in almost every relationship since then, whether I'm the solo sufferer, or both of us are. It goes against every neurotypical-healthy-relationship-rule in the book, as fair warning. Essentially it means that during XYZ situations I/We are not "allowed" (by mutual agreement in advance) to break up or make major life changing decisions for a period of time that affects the other person without their agreement.

For a situation like this, if it were me building the house (or whatever), where I know my stress is going to be through the roof for 2 months, I'd either Call a Moratorium for 3 months, or if it was a sudden thing (death in the family, etc.) my partner could Invoke Moratorium. Meaning even if I was completely serious about breaking up? It's not taken seriously until the Moratorium is over.

There are some caveats...
- They're still completely allowed to break up with *me* (or I them, if they're the ones placed on the M-clause) if I cross the line. Meaning it's not a free pass to treat them badly, cheat on them, etc. AKA "But we were broken up! Of course I can see other people while we're broken up, hello! " doesn't apply.
- Same token, there are definite time limits involved. Because sometimes? The crisis just keep coming. ((Either because I'm making that happen by chaos seeking -major problem- or because life has a very twisted sense of humor and it's just one thing after another)). 3 months turns into 6mo turns into 12 turns into... This is no longer temporary stress. This is a new normal that may stretch on for years. If so? No more M-clause.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Any chance you two might have a Moratorium rule, or be able to apply it? Probably not now, unless you catch him on a great day (those never happen when you need them!), but maybe for the future

I think that is a great idea. Sometimes we supporters need a little isolation time too. If he is in full on overflowing cup mode and taking it out on you, maybe it would be good to just chill on the communication for a week or two you both of you guys can rest up. I'd even phrase it something like that to him... "hey, we're both stressed out, I need a little alone time to regroup. This isn't a break up or anything, this is my version of a sensory deprivation tank. I respect when you need space, so I'd appreciate the same respect."

The hard part would probably be doing it in a way that didn't make him self loathe or react. I could see my sufferer feeling awful because "I can't stand to talk to him."

 

[Peach]

That IS a great idea!

 

[Sephira]

This morning was another bad morning. Told him I thought about how I was thinking about how I loved him last night and he said I sounded like a stalker and that it was creepy and weird. Is that creepy and weird? Then he said I needed more friends ( to take the pressure off him) and got all stressed when I told him I didn't wasn't interested in the people he thinks I should be friends with. Other people sure, but the people he likes, I really don't. So he says I'm not capable of maintaining any friendships. He said he likes talking to my son instead of me..but he started all of these conversation topics and when I try to change them I'm not paying attention. It's a lose- lose no matter what I do. Then he's says I'm full of drama and to leave him alone.

Just found out yesterday his depression is back and he's not on his meds for it. Doc took him off for a while. I'm on the verge of tears, everything was going so well and now everything is so bad- and he says it's my fault :(