Childhood Childhood sexual abuse - flashback question

[SnowBirch22]

Hi there,

I'm new on the forum & would like to find some answers to the questions I have regarding my memories of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by my father.

My memories are very fragmented. I have vague pictures, a bit like snapshots, of my father's clothing, his bare chest, & my face being pushed against bed sheets. But with these fragmented memories come feelings of intense pain in my genitals, panic attacks, sweats, & I, quite embarrassingly, wet myself both during flashbacks & nightmares about it.

Does anyone else experience flashbacks in the form of sensations rather than "pictures" of the event itself in your head?
And do any of you have fragmented images too? I can't "remember" the events themselves. Just little snapshots of something really vague.

Any feedback would be hugely appreciated. This is the first time I've ever spoken about this to anyone other than my wife.

 

[Ladybug hugs]

I experience most everything you said except the pain in the genitals. I instead get really nauseous and headaches I also suffer from fibromyalgia which I'm told is from the abuse. Yes, I get fragmented images and some are longer than others. I'm now remembering things I didn't before now I'm on medication to help them stop. Child sexual abuse, neglect and traumas really do so much damage to the amygdala in the brain. Especially if the abuse happened before the age of 5. The longer it is untreated the more damage it can cause as we get older, which I'm finding the case with me. I hope you're seeking someone you can trust to talk to.

 

[Friday]

Flashbacks cover the entire range of reliving the moment (as opposed to straight up memories, intrusive or otherwise, & remembering past events). Visual, auditory, taste, touch, smell, emotion... They're all flashbacks.

 

[ghotiff]

My flashbacks are mainly in two forms. The easiest to recognise is images which are like still photographs. Most of my childhood sexual abuse memories are as like still photos and looked at from a third person perspective.

Then there are the body memories, physical sensations speifically to the abuse.

Nausea etc for me seem more stress related rather than flashback related but while the abuse was decades ago, I'm new to therapy and I'm still learning about myself.

Hope that helps. Feel free to ask more questions.

 

[SnowBirch22]

Ladybughugs - It's interesting that you mention Fybromyalgia. I suffer from CFS but didn't realise it may be related to the abuse. My abuse began at the age of 5 so very young too.

Fridayjones - Thank you for your reply. Reading that validates how I feel so it made me feel a bit better being less confused about whether what I was feeling was indeed a flashback. I just always thought they were image orientated but mine are mostly physical.

Ghotiff - What you described is mine down to a T. My wife is my rock & she helps me work through the memories & the feelings. She's the first person to know about these events & she has really helped me.
It's really good that you're going to therapy. I'm scared to ask questions because I don't want to trigger anything. It's really easy to trigger a flashback in me & I'd hate to do that to someone else.

 

[ghotiff]

Feel free to ask whatever you want to. I have no one (except my T) to share this stuff with outside of this forum.

 

[SnowBirch22]

T

Feel free to ask whatever you want to. I have no one (except my T) to share this stuff with outside of t...

Thank you! Well you can talk to me about anything in all.

 

[RussH]

If you choose to talk openly about your experiences I would suggest keeping some things vague because this is a public forum, and you don't want to make your post too detailed.

 

[SnowBirch22]

Absolutely. I understand that. If I do talk in too much detail, I hope people will call me on it. Because I don't want to offend or trigger anybody.

 

[RussH]

offend or trigger anybody.

Its not so much offending, or triggering others, but more to protect you from people you may know gaining access to the information

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @SnowBirch22 and welcome. I too was abused by my father. I have found therapy incredibly helpful. Not to talk through details, but to explore how it has made me feel and the effects on emotions etc.

I get that the NHS is a bit of a lottery, but I am really lucky and in my bit of Scotland we have a brilliant service for trauma survivors. I have been having therapy from an NHS CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) for 5 years now. Initially it was very often, now I just call him when I think I need to see him again, which can be months apart if I choose. He works with a psychiatrist who has a special interest in trauma, so they are really passionate about it.

I am glad you have shared it with your wife, but I know in my case I told my husband very little, as I wanted to spare him, yet I wanted/ needed to talk about it. I also found that working with the therapist has reduced the frequency and impact of flashbacks - both emotional ones and others.

 

[Ladybug hugs]

My flashbacks are mainly in two forms. The easiest to recognise is images which are like still photograp...

My flashbacks started as quick pictures flashes. However after my mother passed I now have full on partial memories. Yes, remembering the things I have gone through are indeed stressful. I'm in my forties and just learnt that I have probably lived a lot of my life in a third party view. My fear now is that I will remember the things I don't, because the little that is coming back really messes me up. I'm so thankful I have the T I have because she is truly one of a kind when it comes to understanding and helping me to also. I'm a bit angry that now in my life everything wants to now come to mind. But I realize being able to talk about it is helping I hope.