General Money!

[Sighs]

Blurgghh!

I know money is stressful for most people but every time we talk about it, his stress cup overflows and he ends up yelling at me.

I'm very careful with money. I don't drink, smoke or buy shoes. All my money goes on sensible purchases.

He makes a lot more than I do - partly because I dropped my income to live in the area he wanted to live in. We talked about it before we moved and he said he didn't mind contributing a bit more to household expenses. Now that we live together he insists that I pay for half of all household expenses and every once in a while he will ask me to contribute to something that he wants. (eg: a tracking collar for his hunting dog - $1,000 worth!). When I say I can't afford it he gets annoyed.

I'm getting deeper and deeper in debt, wearing ripped bras and broken glasses while he spends $1,000s on his hobbies.

Sick and tired of it!

 

[Changing4Best]

Why did you agree to give him money toward the dog collar? What kind of pressure did he put onto you, so that you gave in to his buying the dog collar with both his money and yours? What would have happened if you had said "No, I cannot afford it." instead?

 

[Sighs]

Oh no - I DID say I couldn't afford it. He said wouldn't I feel bad if she got lost and I got cranky and told him that he would have to keep her on a lead because I needed to pay for essentials like tyres on my car as the ones I'm currently driving on are getting to be unsafe. He hasn't brought it up again.

 

[Changing4Best]

OK, so what happens if you ask him to help you pay for the tires? Can you ask him how he would feel if you got into an accident because of your tires being so worn out?

 

[Sighs]

He just says that its my car and its my responsibility. If I were to ask him how he would feel if I were in an accident that would just make him feel like he was being manipulated and used for money.

I'm prepared to pay my own way. I just need to put my foot down and refuse to contribute to things I really can't afford.

 

[Lady McCormick]

You said you couldn't afford it. Good job on telling him that. That would have been hard for me at one point.

I really like @SheilaKathy's advice about asking for help with the tires. Too bad it didn't work. I hope you recognize it's a huge double standard that he expects you to pay for the luxury of a tracking collar, but he won't help you out with a serious safety issue like tires. Have you tried asking him why he expects help with the dog collar, but refuses to help you with tires? Why does he think the dog collar is more important? Would he really rather see you seriously injured in an auto accident than lose his dog?

Your situation really reminds me of my ex. I'm the one diagnosed with PTSD, but quite frankly, he acted in ways that make me think he's got some serious mental health issues as well.

I was always one to avoid discussing money. Feelings of shame, etc.

One day, while we were already on vacation, my hubby wanted a camera that cost about as much as that dog collar! He wanted to get into the hobby of photography, and he said I should buy it for him. I worked up the nerve to say I didn't have the cashflow at the moment to cover it, then he absolutely blew his lid. He gave some B.S. argument: If I wouldn't think I'm cash-strapped, I wouldn't be. The argument basically ruined our day, or maybe even our whole vacation!

His financial pressures extended into a number of things. By the end of our relationship, I had gone from having no debt to an absolutely insane amount. Like, I still don't know exactly how much, but it's well into six figures. It was financial abuse (among other types of abuse).

Anyway, I guess the only advice I have is this:

1) Remember to take care of yourself first. It's tough to be assertive, especially when you're concerned about your partner's mental health, but the alternative—of hurting the relationship and digging deeper into debt—is even worse than him being upset.

2) Would he be opposed to the two of you seeing a counselor? (Mine refused to, though I begged for it.) This would be a great issue to discuss with a neutral third party. I don't know your partner, but from your account of things, it sounds like he has a hard time viewing your needs as equal to his own. That's not very partner-like, and he can't expect the relationship to be successful if he treats you as a subordinate.

Wishing you well, and I hope you let us know the outcome.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Grrrrr :mad: I'd tell him that the dog would get a new collar as soon as the humans in the household were squared away!

That financial inequality sucks. I've always been independent and supported myself and my kids, but my Vet is pretty decently well off. He hovers between playing Daddy Warbucks with me, or treating me like I'm inept because I can't spend thousands of dollars on frivolity.

Is he freaking out about combining finances because it would be a "relationship" thing?

 

[Sighs]

I think part of it is that he honestly does not realise how little disposable income I have. I mean, he sort of knows, but he forgets.

Part of it is that his ex-wife got them into a LOT of debt while he was deployed. She told him she was paying off the credit cards and the car loan and then paying down the home loan, but when he got back she'd left him and none of those debts had been paid - as in they were behind, overdue etc. She took the money and left him. It took him a couple of years to repay the debts and get his credit rating back. So money is very touchy for him.

Ditto for relationship counselling. He went to that with his ex-wife. He feels like she and the then teenage kids used the opportunity to bag him out and then left him anyway.

I think if I told him I couldn't afford the tyres he would lend me the money to pay for them. The thing is, I can afford the tyres because I have budgeted for them. What I can't bloody afford is a tracking collar!

Like @Sweetpea76 I have always been financially independent and supported my daughter. I do not expect my vet to support me or her. But a little understanding that money is tight for me would be great!

 

[Justmehere]

I'm prepared to pay my own way.

It sounds like you are praying for your own way, and his ex's mistakes.

I think this is really about his unresolved pain he is in over the divorce.

What really concerns me is if you both co-mingled all your funds, he would be pull out money for hunting collars, and you would go without. Or possibly into debt.

Which is what his wife did to him. She pulled money out for her own needs and wants, and harmed him financially - made him go without. It feels like he is reenacting one of the ways the previous relationship failed, only this time, he is acting in a way that he probably feels his wife acted.

It's really unfair to you, and not healthy for him for him to behave like this. I know it's tough to do, but keep holding your boundaries. They are good ones.

A budget that includes disposable things for either of you might be a really good idea. You could put down very clear what you could contribute to that, which could very reasonably be $0. Putting it down in black and white prior to the subject coming up when he wants whatever the next disposable item might be might help you both.

In the end though, he's got to learn to handle his emotions even when you both disagree or you draw a boundary. Feeling hurt about a boundary that you draw (about money or anything else) is not an excuse to start yelling at you.

I think it may be time for not only boundaries about money, but about how he talks about it when you disagree or tell him no for things he asks for.

You could even put in a boundaries that he needs to talk about disagreements about money calmly or you could say you won't talk about it at all.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Hubby brings in about 15% of our income; just enough to cover his child support with a bit of 'pocket money' left over. I pay for all the househpld bills, holidays, even his son's mobile 'phone. I do get a bit annoyed if he then uses his credit card to buy stuff 'just because' as I'm the one that has to pay it off!

When my ex-husband and I split up we still shared a house for a few years. We sat down and made a list of all of the household expenses that we were jointly responsible for (mortgage, utilities, etc).

All of these were paid from a joint account (albeit one that we had set up years before), and we agreed to pay in proportionately based on our take-home pay. So each month I put in 40% of the amount needed to cover the bills.

Could you do something like this? So that the necessities are covered in a fair way, but anything left over is yours - not his to decide how you spend it.

 

[Sighs]

We split joint expenses equally. A lot of the arguments are around whether something is in fact a joint expense. So, for example, he asked me the other day if I would contribute half of the expense of his new rifle because his hunting provides all of our meat. I asked him if in that case he would contribute half of my fuel costs to get to work seeing as it was necessary to enable me to contribute to the grocery bill at all. He dropped the subject. ;)

 

[Peach]

Very interesting, Sighs. I hope you two can work out something that is a bit more linient towards you. I do like the idea of writing things down and having a clear list of responsibilities...but he seems like he'd be awfully stubborn about that. Good luck! LOL

I've often wondered what Tater would do if he came into a large amount of money. Financial issues are his main hot button issue for his anxiety, there are others, of course, but money seems to be the one that has the most power over him. If that were no longer an issue (like one of us won the lottery), would his PTSD addled brain pick something new to obsess/stress over or would he actually find some relief? Can someone with PTSD ever get rid of their "problems" or do they just morph into a new "problem" as the situation changes?