Relationship Question To All The Ladies With A Partner Struggling With Cptsd

[alienamongus]

Hi there,

I have been struggling with CPTSD since early childhood. I have a few questions to all the ladies whose partner is struggling with CPTSD to help me sort things out...
- When did you fall in love with your partner? before or after he told you about his CPTSD?
- How long into the relationship until he told you he has CPTSD?
- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?

Also I have read many posts around here from ladies who seem frustrated or confused about how to deal with their partner with CPTSD. So I thought in return for my questions above to give my own tips as a long-time sufferer who wished the girls I loved would have done before calling it quits...

- Don't try to make him talk about the trauma/traumas thinking that by talking about it to someone it will be better. This is VERY wrong with someone who has CPTSD. Just the thought of the trauma is EXTREMELY triggering. You're basically asking him to relive the trauma...please don't do this.

- At the times where he's distant. Always remember it's NOT because he doesn't love you any less or that he's pushing you away. This is the way a CPTSD sufferer reboots his brain. There is so much war and conflict in the brain of a CPTSD-sufferer. Having to always be on watch to avoid triggers and controlling his emotions when these triggers occur can be EXTREMELY exhausting. Being alone is his way of recharging.... his mind will come back to you generally in a couple of days.

- When a CPTSD sufferer tells you he loves you it is because he TRULY loves you. Sufferers have an extremely hard time controlling their emotions and feelings. They often fall in love very quickly and have the tendency of wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

- When a CPTSD sufferer tells you he no longer loves you or is numb towards you, then this is most likely because you are the cause of some of his triggers. If you keep asking him to talk about his traumas then please do NOT. I can't stress this is enough....

- CPTSD sufferers are almost always not violent towards others. If anything they usually take it out on themselves. In fact, many tend to be hyper-sensitive to the suffering of others. They also may be abit over-protective at times.

- Although CPTSD sufferers generally try to avoid people or social settings and generally have very few friends, they almost always have room in their life for one person....that's you. You may not understand him but know that he actually loves you. Most sufferers have a constant internal struggle between wanting to be alone (with his other self) to sort out his thoughts (or demons I should say) and wanting to be hugged, touched, and loved by someone.

- CPTSD sufferers are often supportive, caring, compassionate and reliable. They ARE capable of love. They will accept you and love you for all your flaws. Also, looking on the bright-side since most CPTSD sufferers inherently have extremely low self image, they are often NOT narcissistic, sadistic, egotistical, obnoxious or self-centered, and if he loves you he will most likely worship you. Also, you'll never have to worry about him cheating on you or being unfaithful. So he's not such a bad catch after all I guess....

Lastly, always remember that we are what the cruelty of man made us to be. We didn't choose to be this way and we are not crazy....I think.

 

[Yunie]

My ex-partner never actually told me he had PTSD, but he has essentially all the symptoms. He did tell me about his war experiences, sometimes in detail. I think we would have had a better chance if he hadn't been in denial and told me what to watch out for. I fell in love with him before he told me, but I didn't feel any differently after I knew. I did worry about his reliability because he started to push me away in a slow manner, that seemed to keep increasing. I gave him space, but it never seemed like enough. If he had been straight with me about having times when he just couldn't handle people, I would have been way more supportive. I just had no idea what was going on in his head, and that's scary.

I think it's a huge deal to be open about it. Let the person know all these things. I didn't ask him about the wars, but he would talk to me anyway, and that was great. I can't pretend to relate, but having anxiety and depression...I know what big deal forcing yourself into social situations. He did not do this after the first time he met my family. He wouldn't go with me to anything, including my Uncle's funeral. He gave me all this false hope that he could deal with society, but it gradually (I assume) became to much for him. I think it became worse after he switched to a job where he didn't have to interact with people.

I would have been handle, all of this, I think, but he didn't even give me a chance. Once he decided he was done with me (for whatever reason) he hasn't answered my texts in about three weeks.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Hi alienamongus,

I am hoping that you and I can have some discussions because this is brand new to me and I am struggling and would really like a veteran's point of view. Allow me to answer your questions and then I would like to ask some of mine.

Quick backstory: I met my wounded warrior online the first weekend in August. I'm moving to where he lives in a few months and wanted to meet someone before I moved (always nicer to know someone if you're moving long distance). We talked for a month and then met in person (he came to me). His PTSD was triggered the day he left (maybe by me, or flying, or something else, I don't know). He has been triggered since, pretty much the whole month of September. So I'm two months in and trying to learn all I can. We are currently long distance. I have my own issues, anniversaries, triggers too. Not CPTSD but PTS caused by the death of a loved one and other things. September is also a bad month for me.

- When did you fall in love with your partner? before or after he told you about his CPTSD?
The first time I heard his voice on the phone, I started to fall for him. (you said CPTSD folks often love fast - I did in this case). I knew he was a Combat Veteran and was Retired after 4 tours. I expected that he probably had PTSD and so I wasn't surprised when he told me he did. I started to fall before he told me about it. His courage in telling me that he had it, just made me fall harder for him.

- How long into the relationship until he told you he has CPTSD?
Both of us agreed to full disclosure and open conversation from day 1 because online/long distance is hard enough. About a week in, he non-chalantly mentioned it in a conversation. About two weeks in, he had a trigger that put him in blackout for about 4 days. I didn't know what was happening and when he came back he explained that he had been triggered and that he withdraws and cuts off contact when it happens so he can work through stuff.

- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
No, they increased. I now see that he fights every day to take care of his responsibilities in spite of the PTSD. I am so impressed by how hard he fights. His struggle just makes me care about him more and I want to be there for him and make sure he never has to feel like he is alone. I don't know if he will let me and I'm not pushing it. I just keep reinforcing that I care and I'm here.

- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?
Well, the truth is, I don't question how reliable he is as a father ever. He is amazing and puts his kids first, no matter what. As a partner, he has been amazing on his good days. I know he is a wonderful, kind, brave, courageous, loving, caring man. I also know that he is not the PTSD. When I am having bad days, my thought process becomes irrational and I have questioned his feelings towards me (some days I find it hard not to take the situation personally). I've acted like an idiot and freaked out and even through these bad days, he's tried to alleviate my stress in some way. I know that must have been hard for him since he can't even talk right now and doesn't want to text. I realized pretty quickly into the blackout period that I need my own support system and so I joined various PTSD support groups, both online and at my local VA. I believe that with my own "battle buddies" I will have the emotional support I need to get through his bad days (weeks).

I don't feel that the PTSD makes him unreliable. I don't think that is a fair assessment of the situation. If your spouse gets the Stomach Flu and can't be there for you, does that make them unreliable? If you break your leg and can't drive your kids around until the cast comes off, does that make you unreliable? I think people need to appropriately assess the situation. PTSD is not something that can be controlled. The symptoms can be reduced for some with medication and therapies, but this needs to be treated as a chronic illness, and the same empathy, consideration and understanding need to be employed.

So, now my questions for you:
-When you listen to us civilians complain about day to day stuff (like a flat tire, or kids that whine too much) do you feel that we're ridiculous because there are so many worse things out there? I have been upset over things this past month that I now realize are small things in comparison with what CPTSD sufferers probably have going through their heads on a daily basis. I feel ashamed that I complained about trivial things.

-What method can I use to ask about triggers, anniversaries, etc without actually asking about the triggers? I would like to learn about what dates or situations trigger him without triggering him in the process. It will help me to prepare myself emotionally for the impending blackouts and withdrawl. I would prefer to be proactive rather than reactive. For now, I'm keeping a journal of dates and details so that I can be more aware. In looking back on the day our visit ended, I now see that during the final 15 minutes before I drove him to the airport, he went from being carefree to withdrawn. Now that I am more aware, I can visibly see a change in him in the photos that were taken of us at that time. I believe that either it was the emotions of a new relationship and/or our separating which may have been the trigger at that time, but I don't really know what to think. My thought process was that he was feeling protective of me and that the reality of us living in different states right now means that he can't protect me at all and that caused negative feelings about the situation. I'm guessing - grasping at straws here. What do you think might have been going through his head?

-Can you tell me more about processing feelings with CPTSD? You mentioned the shifts back and forth between wanting to be loved/touched/huged and wanting to be alone. Have you found that in romantic relationships you struggle back and forth in those areas more when the feelings are more intense? It is very hard, especially in a new situation, to believe that "you can't take it personally." You mentioned they will usually come back after a few days, but we're going on three weeks. He said that this was bad and he didn't know how long it would take him to work through it. I'm having a hard time not taking that personally and feeling like I'm being rejected.

Words of encouragement would be appreciated. I'm flying to him in two days. He reluctantly said (2 weeks ago) that he would pick me up from the airport because he promised, but that he wished I could postpone my trip. I can't postpone it due to my work schedule, but I have a hotel - I'm not staying with him. Yes, I wanted to see him, but the secondary purpose of my trip was to try to determine which neighborhood I want to move to and to really get the lay of the land - familiarize myself with the area. Originally, he was going to be my tour guide, but I'm fine with doing it on my own if I have to. The rental car place is closed when I land, so I had asked for a pickup and ride to my hotel.

If he does show up to pick me up, please advise what I can say that will ensure him that I won't pressure him or stress him out? I won't ask him questions, I won't even talk if he doesn't want to. How can I let him know that it is safe to pick me up? I want to be the best that I can for him. Any advice would be appreciated. I will not give up on him - on us.

Thanks.

 

[alienamongus]

Hi alienamongus,

I am hoping that you and I can have some discussions because this is brand ne...

Hi There,

First of all, thank you very much for answering my questions. That was very enlightening and greatly appreciated.

Second, I would like to say that your partner is an immensely lucky and fortunate person to have someone like you who cares so much and willing to help. There aren't many people like you trust me....

I will try to answer your questions as honestly and as candidly as I can....

-When you listen to us civilians complain about day to day stuff (like a flat tire, or kids that whine too much) do you feel that we're ridiculous because there are so many worse things out there?
Absolutely not. From my experience, it never bothered me. I'll give you an example. My ex had a severe eating disorder and she struggled with depression. She had many emotional breakdowns but it never bothered me. I was always there for her and we'd spend hours where all I did was just listen to her. I used to go with her every week to group therapy for people struggling with eating disorder to show her my support. So comparing this to having flat tires or children crying...this shouldn't be a problem or a bother.

Please note that most CPTSD sufferers are very sensitive to loud noises and loud voices. So just make sure you're not too loud or yelling when talking to him about your troubles (flat tires or what not...) cause this in itself can be triggering.

- What method can I use to ask about triggers, anniversaries, etc without actually asking about the triggers?
I would avoid asking him directly. Generally, if he has an issue with a certain day or trigger he'll make an excuse to avoid that activity or date. For example, crowded areas and large social settings is very triggering for me. So some times if I get invited to a social (that's like a gathering for non-Canadians) I will most likely decline or makeup an excuse to not go. So if you suggest an activity at a certain place on a certain day and he declines...just don't push it.

Also to clarify, most CPTSD sufferers are not antisocial in the sense that they don't hate people. They just try to avoid them. So they often tend to be introverted with a only a few friends. So they maybe able to tolerate a triggering activity or event once in a while but if it occurs often he will most definitely push away and become distant... Having to deal with the aftermath of the triggers is extremely exhausting....

My thought process was that he was feeling protective of me and that the reality of us living in different states right now means that he can't protect me at all and that caused negative feelings about the situation. I'm guessing - grasping at straws here. What do you think might have been going through his head
I agree that he was being protective of you and by you leaving to another state he feels unable to protect you. But also, the fear of abandonment that many CPTSD-sufferers struggle with may have something to do with it. If I was in his place, and I was deeply in love with you and you decided to leave to another state, I would have this feeling of "this is the beginning of the end... how stupid was I to think she was going to stay with someone like me". The feeling of helplessness (in changing your mind to stay) is a trigger on its own since ALL CPTSD-sufferers were helpless in preventing their traumas from the abuser. This combined with the immense emotions of love for you/ saddness for you leaving/ detachment/ and helplessness can be too much. We are unable to handle emotions a normal human would.

Also, a common way for a CPTSD sufferer to handle all this is to simply become numb to all feelings. By pushing you away he gets rid of those turbulent feelings.

-Can you tell me more about processing feelings with CPTSD? You mentioned the shifts back and forth between wanting to be loved/touched/huged and wanting to be alone. Have you found that in romantic relationships you struggle back and forth in those areas more when the feelings are more intense? It is very hard, especially in a new situation, to believe that "you can't take it personally." You mentioned they will usually come back after a few days, but we're going on three weeks. He said that this was bad and he didn't know how long it would take him to work through it. I'm having a hard time not taking that personally and feeling like I'm being rejected.
I have to admit that processing feelings and emotions is probably the most difficult part for a CPTSD-sufferer. Feelings of love is often intense but on the other hand, hate is also as intense. But I can assure you if he loves you he WILL come back. When I said a couple of days I meant generally... but depending on the situation or the trigger it can be longer. I remember when I found my ex-girlfriend (the one with the eating disorder) was cheating on me, it was a HUGE trigger for me and It took me about 5-7 months of me in my "other self" state. I almost lost my job and I was literally like a walking zombie.

During the "other self" state alot of things happen in the sufferers brain and it may differ from one person to another depending on their traumas. I am not sure what type of trauma your partner had or at what age but as an example, for me since I had CPTSD since early childhood I have developed what my psychiatrist called a "dissociative state" where another person takes over. There is me (the abused, the helpless, the weak, the filth, the dirt, the worm) and there is him (a higher being, the protector, the ruthless, the angry, the powerful, the indestructible). This other "he" is a self defense mechanism by the brain due to the helplessness of early childhood. The problem is that although this "he" was developed to protect the child it eventually becomes in constant conflict with the weak me.

Most of the time this "he" is dormant hardly talking to the weak me. Until a trigger occurs and "he" takes over. When "he" take over, "he" can inflict punishment on the weak me. In my case it is often by cutting, self-mutilation etc... This punishment could be for many reasons but generally for allowing the trigger to happen in the first place. For example, if it is a rejection of some sort the "he" would say to the weak me "how dare you demean me in such a way. How dare you allow this insignificant creature to control my fate. After all I've done for you? You are a weak insect and without me you would have been dead long ago." this dialogue it obviously not word for word but you get the idea. Then "he" inflicts his punishment on the weak me.

So even though the "he" came along to protect the child from the abuser, the "he" ended up being the abuser itself. This abuser is with the sufferer 24/7. The weak me knows he's weak without the "he" so he knows he needs him. But the weak me has something that the "he" doesn't have and that's physical form. So "he" constantly wants to have physical form by taking over the weak me permanently. To do so is by "transforming" the weak me into this "he", this higher being, which may involve disfiguring or mutilation of the weak me. This internal struggle is constant and is extremely exhausting...when it happens since early age it becomes part of your personality.

After this little "war" ends, it is EXTREMELY exhausting. The CPTSD sufferer will do EVERYTHING in his power to avoid being in this situation and the only way to do this to avoid triggers. To avoid triggers is to avoid people in general and to avoid feelings and emotions. So they become more isolated and numb their emotions. They don't want the world to see the other "he" or allowing him to take over.... but once this "state" passes, the sufferers wishes and longs for a human touch or hug to get him back into reality. This cycle is non-ending and it's always in replay mode over and over and over again....

Anyways, I hope this clarifies things abit and I hope I didn't confuse you even more. Let me know if you have any other questions and I will try to answer the best I can....

 

[Friday]

Just as a friendly reminder/heads up; while there was a lot of talk of making CPTSD separate diagnosis in the DSM5, they decided not to at this time for a variety of reasons. So there isn't presently a CPTSD diagnosis / it doesn't exist. It's simply PTSD, whether the trauma was complex or not, and regardless of the symptom expression. :)

I have been struggling with CPTSD since early childhood. I have a few questions to all the ladies whose partner is struggling with CPTSD to help me sort things out...

I'm not dating right now. This is in past tense / in retrospect. Hardly all, but most of the men I've seriously dated have had PTSD. Birds of a feather, I guess :p So looking back both as a group & individually:

- When did you fall in love with your partner? before or after he told you about his PTSD?
In all cases except 1 that I can think of at the moment, if I was told, it was after I'd already fallen for them, or loved them. It was pretty obvious about half the time, in advance, though. So I've done both before & after (& never).

- How long into the relationship until he told you he has PTSD?
Most of the time there was no "tell". It was just what was normal for the population of people I lived with, worked with, was friends with, & dated. Sometimes people had symptoms, sometimes they didn't; most often they didn't while working, and did at home. So it was more a question of when & where we started dating, and how long we were there for. Symptoms would crop up, and then it was like; Oh. Okay then. We're doing this right now. The thing is, people are all different. What expresses, when, how, etc as well as how they deal with that. Some things & ways I get on with. Some I don't. The 1 straight up exception, we were friends first, before we started dating & that was a specific tell. I'd say roughly half I knew before we started dating. It was honestly far weirder to even casually date, much less seriously date someone who didn't have nightmares, anxiety attacks, hypervig, shakes, pukes, isolation, rage, et al ...at least some of the time, if not as situation normal. Pulling a random number out of my ass... If you date 50 men who all have PTSD? The PTSD becomes pretty much a non-entity. What's important is the man himself. Who he is, and how he wears it. That's highly individualized.

- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
Nope. Neither increase nor decrease. Then, it pretty much meant nothing. There was absolutely no link between diagnosis & symptoms in my mind. ((PTSD? That's nightmares & shit, right? Yeah. We've all got that. No worries. Hey, wanna beer?)) Now It has the same effect on me as being told someone has diabetes, or kids, or a serious hobby/job/etc.. Shrug. There are practical concerns, but that's always true. It's part of dating.

- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?
Nope. Not at all. Some of the PTSD-blokes I've dated would have been (and are now) great husbands and fathers. Others are absolutely awful at one, the other, or both. One thing to keep in mind is that separation (including isolating) does not automatically mean distance. Another is that how readily available someone is 24/7/365 is only one facet of what goes into making a parent or a partner; good, bad, or otherwise.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Also, just for educational purposes for the new supporters on the thread, and adding to @FridayJones statement.... cPTSD stands for complex PTSD, not combat PTSD. It's kind of confusing to get the lingo down at first :confused:... complex PTSD is from a prolonged period of repeated trauma, like childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, or prisoner of war camps. etc. Although there is a school of thought that some combat PTSD is complex when soldiers go through multiple traumas/deployments over a period of time.

@alienamongus, my partner has combat PTSD, but I can answer your questions about our "PTSD relationship." My vet told me he had PTSD fairly early in our relationship, and it didn't make me want him any less, think poorly of him, or pity him. I had already fallen for his quirky sense of humor, intelligence, chivalry, and great personality (he is also easy on the eyes... but I like to think I'm evolved enough for that not to be a factor ;)). The PTSD was just a part of the package, and the rest of the package was pretty awesome. I would say that I fell officially in love with him after he told me, because he did tell me early on. It didn't intimidate me much at first, but I think that was just because I plain didn't "get it." Over the years I have got an education for sure, and we have managed to find a way to make it work.

Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?

Isolating and emotional numbing can be rough, but we get through it because I recognize it is a coping method that he uses when he feels overwhelmed. I know it isn't about me. Although we do not have children together, I have older children from a previous marriage that he is essentially a father figure for. They know he has PTSD and know that when he isolates it is because he is "sick."

As far as the kids and their relationship, he has occasional lashing out behaviors that concern me more than the isolation and emotional numbing. Since he has combat PTSD, he tends to be aggressive verbally when overly stressed since he was trained to "fight" in "fight or flight" situations. He has never directed any of this at my kids, and we both want to keep it that way.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

cPTSD stands for complex PTSD, not combat PTSD.

Oh goodness, I'm sorry. My responses were about Combat PTSD. I didn't realize. @alienamongus you asked how long my warrior had his PTSD. While I suspect he had some form of it from as early as his first deployment (nobody comes back from war the same as when they left), he was in a Combat related event/trauma in 2014 that I believe caused the current level of PTSD he experiences. It also resulted in his Retirement as a Disabled Vet, which I'm sure has raised some complex feelings for him.

I agree that he was being protective of you and by you leaving to another state he feels unable to protect you. But also, the fear of abandonment that many CPTSD-sufferers struggle with may have something to do with it. If I was in his place, and I was deeply in love with you and you decided to leave to another state, I would have this feeling of "this is the beginning of the end... how stupid was I to think she was going to stay with someone like me". The feeling of helplessness (in changing your mind to stay) is a trigger on its own since ALL CPTSD-sufferers were helpless in preventing their traumas from the abuser. This combined with the immense emotions of love for you/ saddness for you leaving/ detachment/ and helplessness can be too much. We are unable to handle emotions a normal human would.

Also, a common way for a CPTSD sufferer to handle all this is to simply become numb to all feelings. By pushing you away he gets rid of those turbulent feelings.

I do want to point out that when we first met online, he was aware that I currently live in another state. I see where you're coming from on the fear. I wouldn't say of abandonment with a Combat PTSD person (because the feelings are a little different), but maybe fear of loss - that something will happen to me, out of his control and he will lose me (illness, accident, etc). I also don't know that I would say he is deeply in love with me. He has said that he feels strongly towards me. I don't entirely know what that means. I'd like to think that he loves me but there is no way to know unless he actually says the words.

@alienamongus If your partner was in a different state but still emailed and texted you almost daily to let you know they were still there, and they care and they hope you're working through things, would you still feel fearful of their leaving you? I also posted things from my online PTSD group on my FB page that I know he saw because he liked them. It is my way of showing that I am trying to learn and that I support him.

I've been doing that through the duration of this separation time. Now, three days before we're about to see each other again, he texted me that he would take care of himself and I should take care of myself and everything would be all good, but then he went into full on blackout (i.e. no social media as well. He had previously been randomly going on FB and posting or liking posts - it was a way I could see that he was alive and ok <-- hard for me to be hundreds of miles away and not know if something's happened to him). Now he's been avoiding every mechanism that allows me to see that he's out there.

I hope he's gone heads down trying to prepare himself for my arrival (mentally prepare himself for the feelings that happen when we're together). I really don't know what to think though.

I have developed what my psychiatrist called a "dissociative state" where another person takes over.

He does too to a certain extent. Combat PTSD sufferers revert to their military training. The military teaches them to compartmentalize. Essentially, they put the emotional feelings into a box. Only the diligence, anger, rage, warrior feelings are allowed to be present so that they can focus and get the job done. So the way I define it is that there is Standard Mode (still exhibit some of their military tendencies but it is at a significantly lower level, but are expressive and loving and involved) and there is Military Mode (hyper vigilant, fight or flight, adrenaline, anger, isolation). When the feelings get too difficult, the Standard behaviors go into retreat and the Military Training takes over.

I hope he's right and that it will be all good. It is scary for me, not that he has PTSD, but to not know where I stand. I feel like I'm being selfish to be so focused on our relationship when he's suffering, but there is nothing I can do to help his PTSD while I'm this far away. If I was there, maybe my presence would be of comfort (or maybe it wouldn't). I would be willing to go to meetings at the VA if he wanted me to. However, my ability to support is significantly limited by the distance. I try to keep busy to keep my mind from going crazy with worry. I worry that I won't get the opportunity to show him that I am not like his ex (cheated on him several times) and that the PTSD won't scare me away. I know this is all completely out of my control and I have issues with that too. I have mild PTS from several things in my life as well (abuse, abandonment, death/loss).

I appreciated your response about him being afraid to lose me because I never think of things like that. He is my big, strong, protective warrior. I'm the one that is afraid to lose him, afraid of what I feel. It never occurs to met hat he may be having the same struggles (on top of his PTSD cup being full) because I see him as being so calm, cool and collected. I need to acknowledge that he likely has similar worries to mine. Thank you for the perspective.

 

[Owl.]

2-PTSD relationship currently solidly on the rocks here.
Meeting the "complex" criteria on damn near all fronts for him, possibly for me as well, although neither of us has the "c" on file, what with it not (yet) being an official diagnosis.

That said, here goes. :)

- When did you fall in love with your partner? before or after he told you about his CPTSD?
Quite frankly? Probably on the freakin' spot the moment he made that first absolutely helpless and desperate attempt at starting a conversation. It was so unbelievably silly, it pretty much immediately burned him into my mind.
Plus, talking to him meant having to step up fairly close, and there was just something about him radiating, "Yup. Not gonna be easy, but - this one it's gonna have to be."

- How long into the relationship until he told you he has CPTSD?
He disclosed even before I did, and I was pretty quick with that already.
IMHO, it's not something that should be hidden. PTSD is a bit like having a kid with a previous partner - this is NOT going anywhere, and a new partner deserves to know what they are getting themselves into so they can make a decision based on facts before they're in too deep.

- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
Neither.
The scars on his body, those on his soul and the laundry-list of physical and psychological issues coming with the life he's lived - they're all beautiful to me.
Not in a morbid way, not at all. They are beautiful because HE is (whether he believes it or not), and everything he's been through worked to make him the man I fell in love with.

I didn't know him when he was "unbroken", or not "a wreck" (his words - far from MY truth). Might be different if I had, but I met him with the old scars and raw wounds already in place and fell for the whole gorgeous, messed-up package, so...simply hearing the words didn't make a difference at all. :)


- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?
I couldn't help but laugh a little at this one.
Not because it's funny in any way, shape or form, or because it's not a completely valid question, but simply because of the circumstances I'm finding myself in.

Mine entered his own personal hell a fair number of months ago and has been keeping the door pretty firmly shut on me (with a few short exceptions) ever since.

Sounds like that'd be a "yes", doesn't it?
It isn't. It's a resounding "no", because I know why those walls went up when they did.
He's overloaded well beyond capacity by what life is throwing at him right now and cutting out absolutely everything that takes his focus away from his son in a time of need.
He's also (needlessly, but that's just the way he rolls) protecting me from his temper.

Despite all that, I know for a fact that he'd be right here in a heartbeat if I asked for his help, even if it were to kill him, so:
No. Even with the isolation and the distance, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind when it comes to his qualities as a partner or father.

There IS, however, doubt about the fairness of this life, 'cause after everything he's been through, it really could've found a different target for THIS load of steaming guano now. :shifty:

 

[Pebbles5280]

Hi AlienMongus, my partner has Combat PTSD and your post has provided me with a great deal of insight - I sometimes feel like my situation is so unique that no one understands. My friends certainly don't and that leaves me with no one except my T to talk with about this. I recognized early on that I needed someone to talk with so my anxiety about the PTSD didn't make me a trigger for him.

Ok, here is our story:

- When did you fall in love with your partner? before or after he told you about his PTSD?
We met on a dating site and lived in adjoining states. We emailed a few times and he told me he was coming to my state that weekend and asked if he could take me to dinner. I agreed but told him I wasn't interested in a long distance relationship. During dinner he told me he was moving to my state and just waiting for a job transfer so I agreed to continue to see him. He came up every weekend for 3 months and then started re-arranging his work schedule so he could work 2 weeks straight and take 2 weeks off to be with me. I think I fell in love with in about 3 months after we met. I knew he was a vet but didn't see any signs of Combat PTSD at the time. Even if I had, the only difference would be I would have sought education about PTSD sooner.

- How long into the relationship until he told you he has PTSD?
He didn't tell me about the Combat PTSD until almost 6 months after we started dating. He probably wouldn't have told me then except he was having difficulty with his meds and depression was becoming a problem for him. When he told me, he seemed to expect me to react negatively and end the relationship.

- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
My feelings for him didn't change after I found out. If anything, I became very protective of him and tried to shield him from things I thought would be triggers. I admit I was concerned that he wasn't honest with me from day 1 but I also understood how difficult it was for him to tell me. He feels like he's damaged goods and no one will love him or stay with him if they know what's going on. I continually tell him that I love him and I've got his back. For me, the PTSD does not define him and I don't feel like he is damaged or broken. Slowly, I think he's starting to trust me. We have had some very rough patches as I'm learning what to do and what not to do or say but we're getting through it.

- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?
Not at all. I recognize that he can't handle any kind of stress so I try to make our life as routine as possible so he doesn't have stress at home. I know now he loves me and would do anything he could for me. I also now understand that he is unable to tell me but shows me in many, many ways that he loves me.

He's starting EMDR and a med change this week and I'm very optimistic that the man I fell in love with will find his way out of the darkness at some point. Right now, life is interesting to say the least. Most of the time, I feel like I have a roommate albeit a roommate that I love. He's detached and has been for about 9 months. He isolates and recently spent a week in the hospital due to a breakdown/cutting episode. Thankfully, his T suggested tattooing as an alternative to cutting so the pain he needs to feel is more controlled. I don't ask about his trauma and he doesn't volunteer any info. I'm learning how not to be a trigger and the most difficult part for me has been the lack of communication. I've always felt that nothing is resolved if you can't talk about it. I have things that I need to talk about and that I feel need resolution but I know now is not the time. I'm just trying to be there for him and be as supportive as I can while still respecting his space.

I would love to talk to you more if you're open that. We supporters have a lot of questions that many times we have to read between the lines to find answers to.

 

[alienamongus]

Hi all, my apologies I should have clarified my post to mention that the CPTSD I was talking about was complex PTSD which often results due to prolonged childhood traumas over an extended period of time. I didn't realize it could also mean combat PTSD.

Although there maybe similarities, I don't profess to know anything about combat PTSD or how that particular sufferer feels or thinks. But I can discuss what goes through a general PTSD sufferer's thought process and feelings from the perspective of a complex PTSD sufferer.

So sorry for the confusion....

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@alienamongus please don't apologize. I know that for me it was a noob mistake. I assumed that the C stood for Combat because it does in my life. You know what happens when you assume lol. Sorry about that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

No worries @alienamongus and @LoveHimThroughIt ... I just saw some confusion with a few ladies earlier in the post and I wanted to clear it up for them in case they were in research mode. They're both PTSD, but they are kind of each their own animal specifically.

cPTSD is usually used for Complex PTSD, but if your partner has combat PTSD, your mind immediately goes "there." I'm not sure if combat PTSD has it's own abbreviation or not... can I buy a vowel please? :bookworm::bored: