Getting Beyond Coping

[tryingtofly]

I know, that what I have gone through is nothing compared to what others have and, it leaves me questioning weather I am just a melodramatic person who doesn't have the intelligence to get her shit together. At every turn I have made to get help, I feel like others have minimized my feelings and the abuse I have gone through, making me question weather I have even been abused. And honestly, this treatment has been more painful and harder to come to terms with then any of the abuse itself. It is like being victimized over and over again.

Another issue that has been hard to understand, is my inability to get beyond just coping and, not being able to make any concrete changes that I know I need to make. And this leaves me feeling and looking like to others that I am not doing anything to help myself. But if I look at the facts, that there was a time were I did not get out of bed for weeks at a time and basically could not function in any way what so ever. These days I am functioning, albeit on autopilot, I have more good days then bad, I only crash into the wall a couple of times a week, I go to yoga a few times a week , and do my little hobbies, ect.

It all looks good on paper but, I am pretty sure I am just faking all of this and, mentally , emotionally, physically, I am no better off than I was before. Feel like I am just propping myself up because, what other choice do I have and , I feel like it is what others expect of me. Truth is it wouldn't take much at this very moment to send me over the edge. I have my wonderful ever so alert mind to thank for that. One wrong look, one wrong word, one wrong move and , bammm, I'm either checking out for good or I get out my sword and slay the messenger.

In the end it appears I am in control of and otherwise very out of control situation and, as long as I stay within the confines of my self imposed prison, everything is hunky-dory. Also , yesterday I was reading some of the post on here and ended up having a full blown panic attack. While I understand I was triggered by what I was reading, what I don't understand is how one is to get better when everything sends them into panic mode. Weather it be reading or talking to a therapist. In the end I feel like my only chance of survival is to " AVOID ". I know that is not healthy in any way what so ever and will not solve my issues but I honestly do not know what else to do at this time. Suicidal ideation, thoughts, feelings, how ever you want to put it, is a very serious problem for me. My mind goes there way, way to often and, again it seems the only way to keep those thoughts at bay are " Avoiding " anything and everything I perceive as a threat or that will make me feel rejected,abandoned .

So, those are my thoughts at the moment, don't know if anyone can relate, or has any suggestions as to how to get beyond the" Just Coping " stage. Sorry that this post is all over the place. My mind works in fragments these days and is often racing at the speed of light, leaving my ability to communicate my thoughts in a constructive manner, corrupted .

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I know, that what I have gone through is nothing compared to what others have and, it leaves me ques...

The first thing I will say to you is this - Never compare yourself to others and never let others make comparisons. Every person experiences things differently. Your experiences are your own and you will takes steps in your own time. Also, two people can have the same experience and react differently to it. You are allowed to feel the way you do. Your experiences happened to you and NOBODY is allowed to tell you otherwise!

It sounds to me like you are taking the right steps but maybe frustrated that you're not progressing as quickly as you would like to. It is ok to get frustrated. I'm not experiencing the same thing as you, but I have also employed the "fake it till you make it" approach. That is not failure, it is just doing what you have to do - putting one foot in front of the other. That is a big accomplishment. Going from not being able to function, to making your way through the day is great. You are doing what you can do right now. There is nothing wrong with that and you should look at it as a positive.

Listen to what else you said "These days I am functioning, albeit on autopilot, I have more good days then bad, I only crash into the wall a couple of times a week, I go to yoga a few times a week , and do my little hobbies" You are living your life. Going to yoga is fantastic for you, mind, body and soul - give it a chance. Doing hobbies is wonderful. You're having more good days than bad. Be happy about that. I don't believe that we will ever have all good days and no bad. The point is that you are self-aware, which is honestly a hard step for many people to take.

As for the panic attacks and triggers from reading the board, my advice would be to try to find someone you can speak to one-on-one. It may take time for you to build trust, but I have found that while the forum can be helpful, the drastically varied responses can often impact my mood. On my good days I am fine, but on my bad days not so much. I have two friends (my battle buddies) that I turn to. I learned that I need to turn to only them on the bad days because they are the ones who know me and my story inside and out and know how to help me the best.

I know I'm a supporter, but I still feel strongly about how important the right support is. All of us need the right people. If it makes you feel worse and not better, it is not the right support for you. You've taken time already to learn about yourself. Now it is time to learn who is the right person/people to support you. You need a battle buddy.

 

[torietoo]

Hello! I just have to respond to you right now. I joined yesterday and my whole being was trying to scare me away from joining but I took a big risk and hope I don't get into defense mode. I do the same thing as you do about feeling threatened or attacked by a look that I can interpret as being they hate me or I did something wrong. Same with a tone of their voice and even if through text didn't put a smiley face. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I am worried about if I write something that will hurt anyones feelings because I certainly don't want to hurt anyone so I don't know how honest I can be to some extent. I Have taken a plung over the edge probably about two years ago. My whole life I have been numb and was able to function very well but I guess I'm not able to function anymore because it's just been too much hurts (which I consciously don't feel as hurts but my body is acting otherwise). I can relate to you and I want to hurry and post this so hopefully you can see that I care

 

[tryingtofly]

@LoveHimThroughIt,
Yes, I am very frustrated. I have been able to reach this stage of recovery , many times before and always ended up back at square one. I am ready for the next stage, taking more actions that will lead to a better future. Thing is, I don't know what my next action should be. I just feel that I will forever be perpetually frozen were I am right now, which is not a bad place, emotionally anyway, but it is not a safe place otherwise for many reasons. And yes, I do need a battle buddy. Will have to work on that one. Thank you so very much for your response. It was very validating for me to read.

@torietoo,
Thank you for sharing about yourself. I'm sorry you have struggled as I have and want you to know " I care too ". We are all in this together. Thank you for your response. It is comforting to know I am not the only one feeling this way.

 

[torietoo]

I'm not sure if you want to read what I posted on my thread if that's what it's called. I write about the aweful experiences I've had in these recent months with therapists. No matter what or who I reach out to I am also minimized and it is very hurtful and then question myself if what I think I experience is real or not. I'm extremely confused so I withdraw myself and stay away from everyone because being around people does not feel good at all and I'm safer with myself because I don't have to punish myself for thinking how stupid I must look to people. I only see family and no other people because I don't work right now.
I would like to tell you that I was never sexually abused or physically and I'm not sure what emotional abuse entails. So why do I dissociate constantly. Nothing "bad" has happened to me. What's my excuse I wonder.

I found much more information on how a child can be traumatized without suffering from sexual or physical abuse so that is where I have to believe in myself and my experience.

I'd like to quote a part in a book I read to see if this has meaning to it like it does me.

"It is intuitively easy to understand why abuse, trauma or extreme neglect in childhood would have negative consequences. But why do many people develop stress-related illness without having been abused or traumatized? These persons suffer not because something negative was inflicted on them but because something positive was withheld. All stressors represent the absence, threatened or real, of essential features of the environment, features that the organism perceives as necessary for survival.
Parental love is not simply a warm and pleasant emotional experience, it is a biological condition essential for healthy physiological and psychological development."

This has helped me alot and I hope it can help you as well. I'm so glad I met you:)

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@tryingtofly I just want you to know that I believe that as long as you keep trying, you are succeeding. You only fail when you give up. Please do not ever give up. You are worth it. Keep fighting for yourself. It may take a million tries, but just keep on trying. I don't know what the heck I'm doing right now either. Sometimes you just have to stay where you are. I can tell you that my battle buddies and I often learn things about our own situation by hearing the other person speak about their own. I've learned things they've tried that I hadn't thought of. Therapists and doctors are ok, but I've found that it is the people who are in it too that help me the most. Each of my battle buddies are at a different stage than I am. They still learn from me by looking back at when they were at my stage of support. I found my battle buddies on a Facebook Support Group. Sometimes you have to try different avenues to find the right people.

Also, I think you just found your next step ;) find a battle buddy.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@torietoo don't say nothing bad has ever happened to you. If it makes you feel bad, then it was a bad experience for you. You don't need an excuse to feel bad. Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid, regardless of whether others agree. Don't let anyone minimize your experiences. They are yours.

 

[tryingtofly]

@torietoo,
I am very happy to have met you too :)
Part of my abuse was my parents Emotionally neglecting me, so I do understand how that feels. Unfortunately my abuse went much further and has continued throughout my life. But the emotional neglect has probably had the most profound effect on the person I have grown to be.

@LoveHimThroughIt ,

Thank you for the encouragement, so very much. One thing I can say about myself is that I am not a quitter. My last shrink told me one day, that she was surprised I was still going because most people in my shoes would have given up a long time ago. Hopefully sometime in the near future I will feel comfortable enough to try to find a support group irl, as it is I am not that good with people as far as getting close enough to share personal issues. I know having a friend in my life would make a huge difference in how I feel . Going to work on that

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Hopefully sometime in the near future I will feel comfortable enough to try to find a support group irl, as it is I am not that good with people as far as getting close enough to share personal issues.

@tryingtofly I have found that I am more comfortable sharing with total strangers. My battle buddies live in different states from me. I met them 100% online. My IRL group, I'm not as comfortable with. But, my battle buddies and I have forged close friendships over text, and phone calls. We have never met. I am driving 5 hours to meet one of them tomorrow. Then we are going to an IRL group together. Keep in mind that having a friend in your life doesn't necessarily have to mean that they are face to face. My best supporters right now are "in my life" but via technology. I don't feel any less supported. Stay within your comfort zone for now.

It also seems like you and @torietoo might be heading down a path of being each other's battle buddies. To be honest that is how everything started with mine. We realized we had similar issues, situations, needs and just decided one day to have each other's backs.

 

[tryingtofly]

@tryingtofly I have found that I am more comfortable sharing with total stra...

I wish I could see a future were had the ability to make friends and get the support I need. As it is I dont see that ever happening. I am just not a person others find likable once they get to know me. I am in my late 40's and have never had a friend to speak of. My family has given up on me and very seldom speaks to me. Hopefully I can one day figure out what it is about me that turns people off so I can change it. This is a very sore subject for me and makes me feel so sad. :"(

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I wish I could see a future were had the ability to make friends and get the support I need. As it...

Maybe you've just been chatting with the wrong people. Honestly, I haven't disliked anything you've said so far. Like I said before @torietoo seems happy to talk with you. Why not give Torie a chance? Don't be a self fulfilling prophesy by cutting off something before it has a chance to happen. I know you may be averse to putting yourself out there but sometimes you have to give others the opportunity to surprise you.

 

[tryingtofly]

Maybe you've just been chatting with the wrong people. Honestly, I haven't disliked anything y...

I agree with what you are saying in that I need to keep trying. I do. It just always ends the same way. Not trying to be so negative, it's just my reality. I just don't see how after 40 some years I will suddenly become a likable human being. It's ok though. I am trying to focus on other areas of my life at the moment. Again, I dont mean to be so negative. Just having a rough night.