Uncontroable Panic Attacks

[Bookoffee]

I was released from the hospital yesterday after waiting 48 hours for a bed. There are too many people waiting for a hospital bed and they didn't think that I needed one since I have a psychiatrist and will be meeting a new therapist on Monday. I have been on the phone with crisis everyday for a week now. The day before I went to the hospital, I was having flash backs while on the phone with crisis screaming because I couldn't stop seeing my step-father killing my animals when I was younger. I thought I was that age again. The night before that, I thought my wife was my step-father beating me and all she was asking me to do was go outside and bring the trash bins up the driveway.

Today is my first day out of the hospital and I had to call AAA because my battery died. He recharged it and I figured it would hold for a couple of days until I can get a new one. I was wrong. Now it is a huge pow-wow at my house. She wants me to go back to the hospital and I am full of so much anger and hate right now.

This has been bothering me for days now that I am completely sick to my stomach with nasty symptoms. When is this world going to take me?

 

[Friday]

Since she's the one seeing & thinking clearly right now... I would suggest you follow her lead.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: Bookoffee

Your wife might be really shaken at you thinking she was her stepfather, and that might be pushing her in addition to her concern for your safety. She may need her own support in addition to you getting some more help to get through this.

There are problems in my area too with people waiting for days for a bed, only to be released without much help after days in an ER. Are there any free standing psych hospitals in your area? If they don't have beds, they may be able to get you connected with a day program instead of just holding you and releasing you without much help. Ask them about a partial hospitalization programs. In my area, there are also walk in crisis counseling centers that can help a lot more than an ER and have the ability to hospitalize someone if needed. Maybe there is one there? You could also call the new therapist and tell them you need to be seen sooner, and maybe they would have an opening.

I'm so sorry for what your stepfather did. That's awful! I'm glad you are reaching out to the crisis line and here too.

Until you can get more help, ground, ground, ground and keep riding the waves of these panic attacks. You are a brave and strong soul who should not have to be going through this.

 

[City Slicker]

When is this world going to take me?

I hope when this world takes you it won't be as a result of what that bastard did to you and it won't be because of your PTSD symptoms.

It sounds like you are doing all you can to stay safe. If cyber energy can help at all I am sending you tons of good energy right now while you battle this.

 

[seedling]

@Bookoffee :hug::hug: to wish away the anger and hate.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you. I am still struggling. I don't feel safe or secure in my body and mind. While I was in the hospital, my panic attacks were so sever that I needed a shot to calm down.

I was in the hospital from June 19 till the end of July. The first hospital, I broke the heater they had next to my bed and broke off a tunk of metal. I cut myself and was on sucide watch for a week.

The second hospital, a guy would walk up to my roommate and I and grab his gentials and make sexuial comments. At wrap up, I told the group that if this client does it again, he will not have anything left to touch and that yes I had a plan. I did and told them to shove their contract up their ass. Security was on the floor that night and tapes were being looked at.

Two days after I was released from that hospital, my father died. I couldn't find the strength and courage to go see him or to go to the funeral.

Now I can't stop thinking of my family and I spent the day looking at everyone's facebook page and all the pictures from the funeral. Pictures of my father and all my brothers and sisters growing up in a stable loving home while I spent my life trying to stay alive. They didn't even mention me in the obituary.

Now I sit home with my wife, where I should feel the safest but my skin is crawling and I feel disconnected.

 

[Justmehere]

My grandmother's funeral was like that, and I was suicidal myself afterwards. It was horrible. Everyone else was so happy, but I was alone in my hell with the memories of her house being a place of great trauma at the hands of my father...

The way your family treated you is like denying your existence. Its existentially abusive and I can see why you feel so bad.

I highly recommend deactivating your facebook account - you can later reactivate it and see everything just as it was once when you get past this rough place.

 

[F-18Wife]

Bookoffee, It is so easy for family to make judgements about others and whether their condition is reasonable or even real. It's like they have a special dispensation from being kind.... Keep your chin up, you're not in this alone. Living with PTSD as a spouse isn't easy but she will learn how to manage you and your triggers and find the best ways to keep you safe. Be kind to yourself please.

 

[sharon hall]

I was released from the hospital yesterday after waiting 48 hours for a bed. There are too many people...

Seeing someone you love tortured and killed is worse than going through it yourself that is so horribly cruel I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went through. I can identify with mistaking your spouse for your abuser I did that with my husband and it used to send me into seizures. The only thing that got me through it was letting the flashbacks happen and having him remind me that I was safe. Maybe that could work for you too idk but please hang in there its good your reaching out.

 

[shimmerz]

@Bookoffee , I am so terribly sorry for all that you are going through right now. Are you sleeping at all? Did anyone think to ask that? If you are not sleeping, did anyone prescribe you sleeping pills or do you have a sleeping plan? When are you seeing your therapists next?

It sounds like something has really ramped up your reactions and I am wondering if you know what it might be?

I am full of so much anger and hate right now.

I am wondering if this has eased up at all?