Death Anyone Lose A Sibling?

[JessNoOne]

I lost my brother (we were 2 years apart in age and very close), 8 years ago and I still can't get passed it. I honestly feel like I missed out on my entire 20's... I barely even remember what happened. Life kind of ended after he left me. We were both very similar and abused by our family so when he left, I was on my own... Just misunderstood. My stepfather with the support of my mother kicked me out of their basement a few months after he passed away and it's really been a struggle since then. It's been hard to get my roots planted anywhere... though I've never really felt like I belonged.
A lot of things kind of prompted me to sign up for this site tonight, but a huge factor was the grief I've been dealing with surrounding his death. Idk.. maybe because the leaves are changing and that means his 27th birthday is coming up soon...
I found myself on myspace (actually signing up for it) just to see if I could see his old profile. I miss him so f*cking much. I just can't even believe this is real. I've been listening to all of the songs we used to like... and just crying.
His ex girlfriend won't speak with me about him (but I was there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on) but now that I've really been struggling she told me that she can't talk to me about him. Idk, I guess she's moved on...... I just found it really insensitive especially because she works in mental health. Well, hey, as long as she's happy, right?
I have a lot of anger, as you can see. It's been a huge problem lately... idk... I can't stop thinking about him. Before he passed away, his problem was getting pretty bad and I begged him to get help. I knew I would be all alone in the family if he left. He promised me he'd never leave. But he did. And I was right.. my family threw me away like I was trash. They even got rid of all of my furniture... like I never even existed.
I know if he were alive we'd be buddies like we always were... it's so rare to find that... to find someone you can really be yourself around.... someone that just gets you, the way that we got each other. We were so f*cking similar. It kills me.

 

[Chava]

I love my siblings because they understand my parents and how f*cked up they were!! (I have to say I love my parents too, even if maybe I shouldn't, I can't help it). I have good memories with my siblings. Our shenanigans helped me survive childhood. I lost a sibling early on, so don't relate to the memories shared, but understand the sibling connection. And in a different way I suppose, connect to a deep and sad sense of loss. I still don't understand why she died.

I am very sorry for you loss. These losses leave holes in our hearts but, cliché as it sounds, I try to keep love in that space.

 

[JessNoOne]

I'm so sorry you lost a sibling too. It's traumatizing no matter the age. And yeah, it's like you have your partner in crime and then bam, you're on your on.
I have another brother but my mother and stepfather completely ostracized him from both my brother (when he was alive) and I, so there wasn't and isn't much of a relationship there. They abuse him in a completely different way.

 

[Ocean5]

Sorry for your loss...

Early 20s lost a younger brother. I shut-down for probably 6 months.... After my mom he was second person I would tell very private things too - then gone with 3am phone call from mom crying. Still not sure if real accident, or suicide (yea i finally said it) after what our father said to him when he was extremely upset, and looking for guidance.

He was younger than me, but I recently learned what my father told him night he died, and how upset it left him (some people don't deserve children.)

 

[JessNoOne]

I'm so so sorry. Your father has to live with that guilt every single day if he was the catalyst in your brother's death. You can't know for sure... but I know I would have a really hard time talking to my father if he'd said something to upset my brother the night that he died. Wtf is wrong with people?

How long has it been since your brother passed away and has it gotten easier? How have you coped? I can't believe I'm still struggling as much as I am all of these years later. :\

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm sorry for the loss of your brothers @icarusa and @ocean. I lost my sister, she was just over a year younger than me. she died when she 31 in 1998. But it's complicated, she suicided and she was borderline personality disorder (due to years of abuse from my mother) so she had lots of problems. And I have a lot of guilt about her death. She was my only sibling. No never get over it. But the situation was very complex.

 

[JessNoOne]

I'm very sorry @Lizio. My heart breaks. I do understand the guilt that you feel... but you KNOW that it isn't your fault. Logically you know that, I know that my brother's death wasn't my fault, but I still feel like I SHOULD have done more to help him. It eats away at me. It's the awful feelings that always consume me and try and convince me otherwise. How did you learn how to cope?

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes, her death was inevitable, it was like a rolling out of control train. I guess I know that, although there were key times when other people could have helped including the mental health system and they actually abused her more. I wasn't there for her in the end. And there are many reasons for that. Self-preservation, being a pivotal one. But yes, like you @icarusa I have that guilt. I should have done more. But you know we couldn't. It is just that overwhelming sadness and longing for it to be different.

I'm in psychotherapy. But there is a lot of other things. I am trying to deal with. I inch forward. But really, maybe the answer is to try and find someway of helping others or even trying to help those who are like us and know that we get it. But then, want to do that, but always too much of a mess to get to that point.

 

[JessNoOne]

Yes, her death was inevitable, it was like a rolling out of control train. I guess I know that, although th...

It's just an absolute tragedy... I'd like to heal myself as well... and I feel the first step is actually talking about it and not being ashamed of how I feel anymore... A month after my brother passed away, I was very withdrawn and grieving still and I would cry at all sorts of random times when trying to act normal and go out with friends again and people would say to me, "You're still not over it?" People can be so insensitive.

But like you were saying, I would LOVE to help other people who have been through something similar, but the first step is helping myself. Acting as the wounded healer usually ends up being rather fruitless.

We were also much younger when we lost our siblings, both close in age to us, we really did what we could. But yes, I'm consumed with thoughts of him and how much I'm missing in my life because he added so much to it. If I were the age I am now, with all I've learned in the 8 years since he's passed, I feel I would be more equipped to help him... and there is the rationalization of the guilt again. It just goes in circles.

What type of therapy are you doing?

 

[Queen Boudica]

Just cognitive therapy, lots of talk actually, but I have a lot of other stuff going on. I have gone into her death several times over the years of therapy. Each time, I get it a bit more. It takes time. There are layers of understanding that have to be absorbed. I think. I'm actually trying to get over DV years with abusive sociopath and my mother abusing us in childhood before that. I thought I got it last year. But then more things and memories and how much I was being controlled and manipulated. With my sister, my abusive mother was there, and she actually tried to blame me for my sister's mental state. She even wrote it in the statement she made for the inquest. There was a hell of a lot of that going on. But it does help to talk it through. There is a lot in your head, that churns around and that talking about it and having someone listen and understand and then tell you it wasn't your fault. It takes time

 

[Ocean5]

How long has it been since your brother passed away and has it gotten easier? How have you coped?

11 years, and my mom passed away less than 2 years ago. It does get easier with time, but always that loss....

I will tell you other deaths of people make it harder (as I'm sure you know.) Last year was so hard around All Souls Day (I was raised Catholic, but not Catholic anymore.) But I still respect some traditions. I live far from where I was born. Had to call a relative to ask to go clean brother's grave. My Uncle said he can't go into the cemetery after my brother was buried there - even though his parents are buried there. He hired a cousin to go clean the grave.... So I guess it's always with you.

Coped? Wrong person to ask. I try to remember his good nature, and know that he is at peace now.

@Link Removed Thank you and sorry for your loss. Too many relatives of mine have committed suicide, or tried too. It's a hard thing to deal with..... As you said it's complicated.

find someway of helping others or even trying to help those who are like us and know that we get it.

Great point. Part of why I am here...

 

[JessNoOne]

Just cognitive therapy, lots of talk actually, but I have a lot of other stuff going on. I have gone into...

I'm really glad you're getting the help you need to heal though. That's such a step in the right direction. I'm still new to therapy... And I'm aware that it's going to be a process but what better time to start than now?

I think part of the healing with trauma survivors is that we HAVE to keep telling the story... instead of it replaying over and over in our minds it helps so much to have an objective viewpoint, to vocalize it. You go through each phase of the grieving process... (sadness, anger, guilt, bargaining, etc..) in cycles and the closer you come to truly healing, the shorter you're stuck in each different phase of grief. Your emotions start to stabilize a bit more and when you do feel you can feel more than those awful emotions... because for me, it's just numbness and mostly everything grief related. I'm feeling more hopeful... that one day I can just feel normal and this won't consume me.

I feel like the abusive family of origin is what sets us up for the trauma. It makes us far more likely to go through trauma as adults, never having properly been raised, we're more vulnerable to all sorts of negative outside influences, horrible people, you name it. It's really shitty how some parent's can be to their own children. I'm extremely resentful towards my parents because I feel like I could have been so much more... I feel very bad for the little girl that didn't have parent's who loved her properly.

I'm glad you understand that nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were preyed on by sick, sick people. Unfortunately, one of those people happened to be your own mother. Of course she doesn't want to admit she lacked the parenting skills to be a proper mother, so she's going to scapegoat you to save herself. But in doing so, in causing you more psychological distress by doing so, that just further proves the point that she IS an abusive person. A normal mother protects their children. I'm so sorry you were ever made to feel that anything was your fault. :(