Relationship New To Ptsd...contemplating Breaking Up...

[amp19]

My boyfriend of 8 months has PTSD...was diagnosed a couple years ago after a shooting that occurred which killed one of his partners at the police dept. he works for. My boyfriend was on the same call as the partner of his that was killed, my boyfriend was also shot at several times but thankfully was not hit.

For the first several months of our relationship everything was exactly the way new relationships are, he complimented me constantly, was more intimate, it was truly great. About 2-3 months ago things just seemed different. I was aware of his PTSD because he told me a little about what happened with the other officer, but I didn't and even still don't know much about PTSD.
My boyfriend has been very bitter. He belittles me. I am always wrong, he is always right. Everything he cannot find because he misplaces is my fault until he finds whatever it is he misplaces & even then he doesn't apologize. If things are not going right, its my fault. I have this and that and this that wrong with me, its always only my fault...

Its becoming unbearable. If I try to talk about how it is he is making me feel, he gets annoyed even more & makes it out like I am not even worth working things out & talking things through. It is like constantly walking on eggshells. I always feel like I am not good enough. Its killing my self-esteem. But I love him... something is just different. This behaviour of his is a few days in a row every couple weeks. It isn't even all the time. And my kids love him & he loves them. I want to marry this man one day, but the times when he makes me feel like I just wanna crawl under a rock & cry are the days I just want to walk away.

 

[Neverthesame]

Sorry your going through this.

A few things to note:
-First and foremost, you are not responsible for his getting better. That's up to him.
- PTSD is not an excuse to be an asshole.
- Just like in a relationship without ptsd as a factor, communication is a key part of it, both ways.

Does he try to isolate when he gets wound up like this? As you say it isn't constant.
It might be a thing to try discussing with him when he is more receptive.

Is he in therapy? Are you?

Always a good idea when you have a partner with PTSD. They can give you good tools for venting the stress that inevitably builds up in relationships.

 

[Friday]

Is he aware of this after the fact? (Even during? Which would be even better.)

Cause first thing that hit me was boyo needs to seriously crack down on "when to isolate". Like right then and there being the perfect example of when to take your cranky stellar-mood self self off for a few days to not lay the blame of everything wrong with the world on the shoulders of those who love ya.

Usually that kind of stuff is either stress cup (see link below) &/or overwhelmed. There are ways to handle excess stress. Blowing it off on your family? Not a good one.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Neverthesame]

Thanks @FridayJones, you said that way more clearly than I did. :tup:

 

[Sweetpea76]

That sounds like typical lashing out behavior... Stress cup is spilling over, and he isn't managing his stressors well.

@FridayJones shared the link explaining WHY it happens, but he has to work on learning to manage stressors himself. You can't help him with that. What you can do is set boundaries.

My vet has combat PTSD, and lashes out as well. When he first did it, I joined the forum and learned all about setting my boundaries about it. When he starts, I stop it after a few shitty comments. "I love you, but I won't stand here and be talked to like that. Call me when you are ready to talk calmly." Then I remove myself from the situation. Every time. It stops things from escalating, because engaging them is just like throwing gasoline on a fire. It also keeps me from being his chew toy when he is in that stress mode, saving me a lot of hurt. Finally, he gets the point that it is not OK to treat me like that.

 

[JackRJN]

Your boyfriend may or may not have PTSD, and if he has he should seek treatment, with which you can help him, but which is not your responsibility. Further, it seems to me that not all his behavior (even very little of it) is typical for PTSD-sufferers. He should not use PTSD as an excuse to act the way he does. Nor should you use PTSD as an excuse not to find out what is currently wrong with your relationship.

 

[All The Blessings]

Your boyfriend may or may not have PTSD, and if he has he should seek treatment, with which you can help...

jackRJN, I am interested to know why you think not all of the behavior that amp19 describes seems associated with PTSD. The behaviors she describes are very similar to my relationship situation, and if you could elaborate, I'd love a little more insight into what you meant and think it could be helpful for amp19 too. Thanks!

 

[Mrmoose]

I am a supporter and also a police officer (and new to this forum). Amp19 has your boyfriend been through any type of department mandated counseling? If not I suggest he does. He could be suffering from survivors guilt. Wishing he could have done more on the call...etc etc. Maybe his department can help if you contact them and explain your concerns. The department chaplain would be a good start if they have one.

 

[MuseG]

Not being able to find things triggers anxiety, frustration, and anger in me, too, and my trauma is different. I think it has everything to do with PTSD "wiring."

So welcome to PTSD.

#1, get used to it. This happens to me 99% of the time when I am not able to find something. Why? because I can be looking right at it and still not see it. This is enormously frustrating. If nobody is around (triggering me further) and I can stop and learn to soothe, I can try again later and find it. But I tend to get "intense" and expect myself to push through the whatever it is that makes me crazy, and find the darn thing in 0 seconds flat. I need to either be left alone to lower my stimulation, or I need help to find it fast before I get too down on myself for being worthless at finding lost things. (Also, important: don't move his stuff!!! He is not "normal." He cannot withstand the frustrations of daily looking for stuff that's not where he put it. Have a separate area that people don't mess with where he keeps his stuff. Don't mix yours and the kids' stuff with his!)

#2. learn to help by reminding the Sufferer that they are losing it, again. "Hey, what are you looking for? I will help you find it, but I DON'T DESERVE BLAME for ANY OF THIS." (Or leave them alone to find it if that's their preference.)

#3. You'll get the hang of how to live with a sufferer. You don't have to walk on eggshells. You have to know how to anticipate their moods/triggers and define your own boundaries as well as theirs. With or without PTSD, this is an important relationship skill set ANYWAY. So learn it here, or learn it elsewhere.