WARNING: Long and detailed - my apologies in advance. Just looking to get the best advice possible. Feel free to skim. :)
Two months ago, I met a wonderful man online. He is currently in New Mexico, I am in California but we connected immediately and have been texting (he hates talking on the phone) everyday, most of the time of and on all day long. He generally initiates the communication by sending me a "Good morning" text each day.
I was very upfront from the beginning about what I am looking for and he seemed to be on the same page. After about a month of talking, we tried to make plans to meet up (I was pushing for it a bit as I was very upfront about what I wanted and that a texting buddy/penpal was NOT it) but it never went anywhere. It was obvious that he was a bit hesitant so I waited and tried not to push the issue too hard. We’d started to make plans 2 or 3 times but he always backed out (usually by stopping to respond to the texts and then the next day texting as if the conversation never happened). Finally, after getting a bit jealous I suspect, he decided he was coming and 2 days later he was here!
He got here and we had a good time. We were intimate several times, including the first night together. We’d been talking for so long that it just felt right. But when we were out and about, there was no physical contact at all. None. I found that to be a little bit strange given that in one of our conversations he had said he was looking for an affectionate woman. I didn’t say anything though as we are still getting to know each other. I didn’t even make a big deal out of it the second morning when I tried to get him to be intimate with me and he turned me down (he’d gotten up early with a headache – see below for more on that).
The other issue I noticed was that he drinks a lot (to me anyway - maybe not?)! He had 7 beers the first night, drank throughout the day our first full day together (at brunch – a mimosa, at lunch 3 – 4 beers, while watching MNF 6 – 7 beers) and passed out in the car on the way home (though he just says he's really tired), which is also probably why he had the headache the next morning and turned me down when I tried to be intimate with him, and our last night together he had 8 – 10 beers. In fact, we missed the movie we were going to go see because he wanted to keep drinking and then we were going to go home to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie but every time the waitress came by he’d order another drink. By the time we got home, he needed to pack (and had ANOTHER beer) and then we just went to bed (granted we were intimate but even then, it was clear he was borderline drunk and it wasn’t as good as the two previous times, especially the morning when he was sober).
The morning he left, we were up at 4am to go to the airport. I tried to get him to cuddle with me in bed for 2 mins but he refused. He was on a schedule and I didn't push him. When he was ready to go, we still had 10 mins before we had to leave. I tried to get him to come hold me just for 2 mins but instead it turned into a fight with me in tears. Only then did he half lay on the bed. I got up and told him forget it. I wasn't going to make him do something he didn't want to do but it felt like he just wasn't all that into me. In fact, while I got that he clearly isn't a super affectionate person, the lack thereof the made me feel like he wasn't into me. To my surprise, he was quite offended by this statement. ??? He did hug me for a few minutes though after and things seemed to be better but again, in the car on the way to the airport - nothing. I put my hand on his leg hoping he'd hold it but nope! When we got to the airport, he did kiss me goodbye.
I left the airport really confused - was he into me or wasn't he? This trip was supposed to determine if we continued getting to know each other or end it but I had no idea where we stood. I had tried to ask him to talk about it the night before as we were lying in bed but he refused. He just wanted to make love to me was his response.
The day after he left, he sent me a text telling me that he'd been doing a lot of thinking about the best steps moving forward. We had a long conversation that ended with him saying that he left feeling like we were on two separate pages (I agree). Then he gave me a bunch of different reasons to end things - the distance, too much going on to give me the time and attention I deserve, too much pressure and not having the time/energy for a relationship.....then he tells me he really likes me but the issue of me trying to get him to cuddle with me for 2 mins before he left was what caused him to change his mind! He said it put too much pressure on him and stressed him out. Then he said I didn't respect his boundaries. WTF? I backed off as soon as he said no. I was trying to create a romantic moment with him to send him off with - how did that cause pressure/stress? He kept telling me I put too much pressure on him. IDK how because that was the ONE thing I was intentionally being careful NOT to do. I backed off of everything. I was so so confused. He just kept trying to flip everything I had done to make it a bad thing. It was like he was nit-picking, just grabbing at straws for an excuse to end things. This was odd to me given that aside from the morning he left, we got on great and had a good time! The drinking and lack of physical affection bothered me but it was NEVER brought up while he was here. That was my own issue in my own head. I was so lost!!!!!
Further into the conversation, we finally got to the root of the issue. Basically, he was overthinking EVERYTHING (which he admits to doing a lot) and was freaking himself out. When I told him all I wanted was to continue chatting with him, getting to know each other, see each other when it fit our schedules, and take things SLOWLY (I even said I was fine with us continuing to see other people), he was all of a sudden ok with things and wants to do that. Again, WTF???
He's got a lot of baggage - He is divorced. He and his ex were together for 10 years total (4 years dating - though he went to OCS and Iraq during this time as well, 6 years married). They have 2 kids together and she's got a 3rd (from an affair) that he's adopted. She cheated on him for the last 3 - 4 years of their marriage, starting when he was deployed in Afghanistan. She is also in NM but she is planning on moving back to be with the 3rd child's bio father and is planning to leave the 2 other kids with him in NM. He's also got too much stay time so he's looking at having to do another tour (he thinks to Korea) in the next year and it will be unaccompanied. His kids will go live with his parents during this time. He's also hoping to become a Major either before or after this next tour which would mean a move to Kansas for a year. He did make mention (though I stupidly didn't think much of it when he said it and didn't ask for more info) about having dealt with PTSD, going to church even though he's not super religious, etc. to try to deal with his issues.
While I'm not saying that I'm opposed to his baggage, I'm not entirely sure I want to take it all on either. I'm definitely not ready to jump into something serious with him (which I think is what he was thinking). The biggest issues I have at this moment are the drinking and the lack of physical affection. Could this be due to his PTSD? Is it due to being cheated on? Both? I know he's dated others (bad experiences though - one told him she wanted to marry him on their 2nd date) and is talking to others now though he did say I was the only one that he really wanted to come meet. I fear I may be the first one he's been intimate with though since his divorce. At the very least, I'm the first one he's been with in awhile (that was obvious by his need to "go slow" as he kept telling me).
I know he cares about me and since our conversation, we are still talking. In fact he texted me this morning. :) I really like him and I want to support him the best way I can. I've started to do some reading on PTSD (which is how I found this site) and from reading some other posts, it sounds like his hot/cold behavior is normal for someone with PTSD (he's also had 2 TBIs from playing soccer).
If his behavior is from PTSD, how do I support him? How do I not make him feel pressure/stress from everything I say or do? How do I approach talking with him about his PTSD (he's been VERY open about his marriage so that's not an issue) because aside from the brief comment that I almost forgot about he hasn't said anything else? How do I get him to talk to me (communication is definitely an issue - in fact I told him I feel like he's asking me to play a game that i don't know the rules to)? Any constructive advice/insight (please don't tell me to run!) would be greatly appreciated.
Two months ago, I met a wonderful man online. He is currently in New Mexico, I am in California but we connected immediately and have been texting (he hates talking on the phone) everyday, most of the time of and on all day long. He generally initiates the communication by sending me a "Good morning" text each day.
I was very upfront from the beginning about what I am looking for and he seemed to be on the same page. After about a month of talking, we tried to make plans to meet up (I was pushing for it a bit as I was very upfront about what I wanted and that a texting buddy/penpal was NOT it) but it never went anywhere. It was obvious that he was a bit hesitant so I waited and tried not to push the issue too hard. We’d started to make plans 2 or 3 times but he always backed out (usually by stopping to respond to the texts and then the next day texting as if the conversation never happened). Finally, after getting a bit jealous I suspect, he decided he was coming and 2 days later he was here!
He got here and we had a good time. We were intimate several times, including the first night together. We’d been talking for so long that it just felt right. But when we were out and about, there was no physical contact at all. None. I found that to be a little bit strange given that in one of our conversations he had said he was looking for an affectionate woman. I didn’t say anything though as we are still getting to know each other. I didn’t even make a big deal out of it the second morning when I tried to get him to be intimate with me and he turned me down (he’d gotten up early with a headache – see below for more on that).
The other issue I noticed was that he drinks a lot (to me anyway - maybe not?)! He had 7 beers the first night, drank throughout the day our first full day together (at brunch – a mimosa, at lunch 3 – 4 beers, while watching MNF 6 – 7 beers) and passed out in the car on the way home (though he just says he's really tired), which is also probably why he had the headache the next morning and turned me down when I tried to be intimate with him, and our last night together he had 8 – 10 beers. In fact, we missed the movie we were going to go see because he wanted to keep drinking and then we were going to go home to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie but every time the waitress came by he’d order another drink. By the time we got home, he needed to pack (and had ANOTHER beer) and then we just went to bed (granted we were intimate but even then, it was clear he was borderline drunk and it wasn’t as good as the two previous times, especially the morning when he was sober).
The morning he left, we were up at 4am to go to the airport. I tried to get him to cuddle with me in bed for 2 mins but he refused. He was on a schedule and I didn't push him. When he was ready to go, we still had 10 mins before we had to leave. I tried to get him to come hold me just for 2 mins but instead it turned into a fight with me in tears. Only then did he half lay on the bed. I got up and told him forget it. I wasn't going to make him do something he didn't want to do but it felt like he just wasn't all that into me. In fact, while I got that he clearly isn't a super affectionate person, the lack thereof the made me feel like he wasn't into me. To my surprise, he was quite offended by this statement. ??? He did hug me for a few minutes though after and things seemed to be better but again, in the car on the way to the airport - nothing. I put my hand on his leg hoping he'd hold it but nope! When we got to the airport, he did kiss me goodbye.
I left the airport really confused - was he into me or wasn't he? This trip was supposed to determine if we continued getting to know each other or end it but I had no idea where we stood. I had tried to ask him to talk about it the night before as we were lying in bed but he refused. He just wanted to make love to me was his response.
The day after he left, he sent me a text telling me that he'd been doing a lot of thinking about the best steps moving forward. We had a long conversation that ended with him saying that he left feeling like we were on two separate pages (I agree). Then he gave me a bunch of different reasons to end things - the distance, too much going on to give me the time and attention I deserve, too much pressure and not having the time/energy for a relationship.....then he tells me he really likes me but the issue of me trying to get him to cuddle with me for 2 mins before he left was what caused him to change his mind! He said it put too much pressure on him and stressed him out. Then he said I didn't respect his boundaries. WTF? I backed off as soon as he said no. I was trying to create a romantic moment with him to send him off with - how did that cause pressure/stress? He kept telling me I put too much pressure on him. IDK how because that was the ONE thing I was intentionally being careful NOT to do. I backed off of everything. I was so so confused. He just kept trying to flip everything I had done to make it a bad thing. It was like he was nit-picking, just grabbing at straws for an excuse to end things. This was odd to me given that aside from the morning he left, we got on great and had a good time! The drinking and lack of physical affection bothered me but it was NEVER brought up while he was here. That was my own issue in my own head. I was so lost!!!!!
Further into the conversation, we finally got to the root of the issue. Basically, he was overthinking EVERYTHING (which he admits to doing a lot) and was freaking himself out. When I told him all I wanted was to continue chatting with him, getting to know each other, see each other when it fit our schedules, and take things SLOWLY (I even said I was fine with us continuing to see other people), he was all of a sudden ok with things and wants to do that. Again, WTF???
He's got a lot of baggage - He is divorced. He and his ex were together for 10 years total (4 years dating - though he went to OCS and Iraq during this time as well, 6 years married). They have 2 kids together and she's got a 3rd (from an affair) that he's adopted. She cheated on him for the last 3 - 4 years of their marriage, starting when he was deployed in Afghanistan. She is also in NM but she is planning on moving back to be with the 3rd child's bio father and is planning to leave the 2 other kids with him in NM. He's also got too much stay time so he's looking at having to do another tour (he thinks to Korea) in the next year and it will be unaccompanied. His kids will go live with his parents during this time. He's also hoping to become a Major either before or after this next tour which would mean a move to Kansas for a year. He did make mention (though I stupidly didn't think much of it when he said it and didn't ask for more info) about having dealt with PTSD, going to church even though he's not super religious, etc. to try to deal with his issues.
While I'm not saying that I'm opposed to his baggage, I'm not entirely sure I want to take it all on either. I'm definitely not ready to jump into something serious with him (which I think is what he was thinking). The biggest issues I have at this moment are the drinking and the lack of physical affection. Could this be due to his PTSD? Is it due to being cheated on? Both? I know he's dated others (bad experiences though - one told him she wanted to marry him on their 2nd date) and is talking to others now though he did say I was the only one that he really wanted to come meet. I fear I may be the first one he's been intimate with though since his divorce. At the very least, I'm the first one he's been with in awhile (that was obvious by his need to "go slow" as he kept telling me).
I know he cares about me and since our conversation, we are still talking. In fact he texted me this morning. :) I really like him and I want to support him the best way I can. I've started to do some reading on PTSD (which is how I found this site) and from reading some other posts, it sounds like his hot/cold behavior is normal for someone with PTSD (he's also had 2 TBIs from playing soccer).
If his behavior is from PTSD, how do I support him? How do I not make him feel pressure/stress from everything I say or do? How do I approach talking with him about his PTSD (he's been VERY open about his marriage so that's not an issue) because aside from the brief comment that I almost forgot about he hasn't said anything else? How do I get him to talk to me (communication is definitely an issue - in fact I told him I feel like he's asking me to play a game that i don't know the rules to)? Any constructive advice/insight (please don't tell me to run!) would be greatly appreciated.
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