Dead Inside

[AnnaLost]

I hope I put this in the right place.

I recognize that every person is different, so I'm hoping that by reading other people's descriptions (if you're willing to share) it will help me understand.

I was texting with my friend who has combat PTSD, and he said he was dead. It was an autocorrect oops, and I jokingly said something like, "whew! glad to hear you're not dead!" His response was, "only on the inside." I didn't answer, because I didn't know what to say.

Depression has not been one of the major symptoms that I personally deal with daily. Anxiety, agoraphobia, extreme heightened awareness, panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares and that lovely one, disassociation - yes. Depression, while I do go through bouts, does not linger for extended periods for me.

I realized I don't think I understand what "dead inside" means. I know that he has hobbies, is active with his job, his family, busy with work, generally very active in living. How does one do that and feel dead inside? I'm really trying to understand, because I think I'm missing something and I'd like to know, for the future, what I can say or do to help - if that's possible.

I hope this made sense. I'm just at a loss trying to grapple with this one. I know he is the best person to ask, for his definition of what he means, but our friendship isn't one for regular conversations or delving too deep in general. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

 

[Friday]

I realized I don't think I understand what "dead inside" means. I know that he has hobbies, is active with his job, his family, busy with work, generally very active in living. How does one do that and feel dead inside? I'm really trying to understand, because I think I'm missing something and I'd like to know, for the future, what I can say or do to help - if that's possible.

The exact same way someone has a life worth living & disassociates. Or has somewhere fun/interesting to be and yet doesn't want to leave the house. Or knows there's no need for any kind of fuss but has a panic attack. Or is safe at home and hypervigilant. Shrug.

For me feeling dead inside is a combo of symptoms. Blunted emotions, disassociation, "sense of foreshortened future"/cannot look ahead, guilt/shame, loss/grief, hollowness, hopelessness, depersonalization, & derealization. All whilst still going about my life.

It's a quite a bit beyond feeling robotic/going through the motions, but in the same general ball park. It's this very quirky thing that happens when I only have echoes of emotions. I'm not consumed in guilt/shame/loss/grief/hopelessness... But I'm also not totally numb. So I smile, and hug my kids, and can even be acting very very well... But I'm dead inside. The things that make me, me, even all the negative emotions? At the best I just have these whisps of them. Like a memory of being happy, instead of being happy. Or a memory of being in despair.

I feel like I died, but my body hasn't gotten the memo. It's a very surreal kind of thing.

 

[joeylittle]

(@AnnaLost - I moved your post over here. But no worries!)

@FridayJones did a great job of describing it. I pretty much live in the 'dead inside' place lately.

Anhedonia is part of it - I just can't find any kind of enjoyment in even the simple things. I have a wonderful little four month old kitten, and he is the bravest, kookiest little guy. But when I see him do things, it's hard for me to find even an inner smile.

Hopelessness then kicks in. I literally feel like a dead woman walking - killing time until I'm finally a dead body to go with a dead soul.

Suicidality will be the next issue I deal with, after the hopelessness. And I try and combat that with really perceiving the world around me, finding something that I can ask myself: "Joey, if that was the last (tree, flower, cloud, etc) you ever will see, are you OK with that?" And I'm not ok with that, not really.

Then comes the despair, which will be the only feeling that replaces 'dead'. I'm in despair because I am in the world, and alive, but I'm not OF the world - whatever isn't clicking right in my mind, that thing keeps me from ever feeling anything except despair or deadness.

This isn't only my PTSD - I have depression, and I can generally sort out which is which. They are connected, of course, but don't feel he same to me.

So, while I'm existing in this state, I am going to work, traveling for work, chatting with colleagues, laughing at jokes - I am imitating what people do. Acting like a person. There's some therapeutic value in that, actually - I can almost get distracted. But the deadness is always there.

No one ever knows, when I am at my worst.

If my depression were to intensify, then I'd lose the ability to communicate, pretend, act-like. If my PTSD gets more activated, I'll become hyper-aroused, paranoid, irrationally afraid. The dead zone is just the typical slog - my version of normal, but not the normal I wish I had.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Hollow. Numb. Except for the anger, shame and sadness..they always seem to shine. So hopeless and unworthy. Disconnected and broken. Eventually putting on that plastic smile just became second nature to me. A coping mechanism is it's own right..

 

[AnnaLost]

Thank you all for your replies and sharing how you feel. It's helped me tremendously, to gain some insight into this specific feeling. I'm still very much struggling with the learning curve between what I was taught growing up in the bubble of the cult I was raised in and what the rest of the world (mostly) knows to be true or experiences. I can relate to feeling these things, short term, but as I mentioned it's not the major part of my symptoms.

Can I ask, is there anything that breaks through this feeling for you? Are there times you feel alive, and if so, what happens to make you feel that way?

 

[Friday]

Can I ask, is there anything that breaks through this feeling for you? Are there times you feel alive, and if so, what happens to make you feel that way?

Absolutely any time my life, or someone else's, is in real danger. One reason I love working in conflict: military, contracting/NGOs, disaster response, etc.

Adrenaline Sports.

Sex & (physical) Fighting.

^^^
Those are breakthrough things for me. Wake up, it's time to rock & roll. :sneaky: Hell yah, turn it up! Let's do it!

There are several dozen other things that won't break through the ice, but even though they are at much much lesser strength are pura vida, pure life. Dancing. Teaching & playing with kids. Working with horses. Swimming in the ocean. Dozens & dozens of things & people I Love.

As for feeling alive? I feel alive most of the time. While a breakthrough thing will snap me back to reality, I can go to sleep after feeling dead inside for months, the just wake up one morning and be fine. Conversely, I can go to bed just fine, and wake up a shadow of myself. It comes and goes. There is definitely both rhyme & reason to it, but that's not always inside my area of control.