@sun seeker and
@gizmo thanks for your thoughts. And Sun, keep waving that wand. I'll do it for you too. Maybe our wands got switched on us somehow and yours will work for me, and mine for you?
Maybe all of this upset is that I am beginning to come into what's called "realization" and even some "personalization." It kind of sucks. But I know I need to deal with all this if I am ever to become a whole person who can live without trying so goddamned hard all the time. I have these lovely moments when I don't have to and it is all just wonderful. I want more of those! I had one this morning when I went to breakfast with a trusted friend who I haven't seen for a while. It was a lovely time, for both of us I think. I could be as wiggy and fragmented as I wanted and he STILL wanted to talk with me. And vice-versa. It is very nice to not have to hide from people all the time and try to be so "normal" all the time.
People on this board have said that the only way out is through. And that things can get worse before they get better. I am reminding myself of this. I feel pretty much stripped out of my whole identity these days. My SELF still doesn't live inside my body much, but I have moments and I am working on creating more of these moments. To live inside myself instead of off in the stratosphere somewhere. It is very hard. A long time ago, a forum friend told me that I seem to be processing things backwards. I think she was right. Increasingly, I see this. It is extraordinarily odd.
I begin to understand more why some articles about dissociation note that when people begin to integrate they need a lot more support. I most definitely need something else because I am so very tired of fighting off all these parts that want to flood me. I do try to talk with them as best I can. "Be with them not in them" as Yoda tells me. But I am not so good at it. I just can't stay grounded for more than a few minutes no matter how hard I work at it.
Yesterday after my daughter had an intro EMDR session, I was invited back into the room. The therapist was happy to show me the equipment she uses. It is totally cool. It makes me think that perhaps this might be helpful for me--she uses this machine that kind of vibrates in each hand (bilateral stimulation). If she had just explained it to me, I think I may have rolled my eyes and written it off. However, the experience of holding the things in my hands was quite powerful. It may be just the ticket. Because it was physical contact with the here and now. I KNOW I need physical contact outside of myself to stay grounded. I cannot do it all by myself. There is something seriously wrong with my brain that prevents this. And, of course, no therapists are very comfortable with much physical contact, so it's tough. But this...the EMDR things...was kind of like a substitute. I am intrigued. But scared too. Because I know you have to be able to stay grounded for it to not re-traumatize you.
Here's what I want. I want to go to some healing place that has all sorts of modalities for healing and people who listen and connect and aren't afraid to be authentically human. I want them to talk to me about what they see when they talk to me and observe me. I want to try a bunch of different approaches to help me get inside of my body, believe that I am me, accept that I have wildly polarized parts most of whom do not know each other, and and and.
I know there is no magic wand. I get that. But there's got to be something I can do to nudge this healing process along. I am very, very tired of living like this. And I don't want to be tired. I have a lot I want to do and see and be. I need to get unfrozen from the fear that goes way way back. I need to get my energy back inside of me. I want to be one whole regular person who can live and love and laugh without having a constant backlash. I hate living like this. And it gets worse and worse the more that I am aware that most people don't have to live like this. That most people have no f-ing clue what it is like to have a whole city of warring factions vying for control over one body in this space and time. I am tired of feeling like I am going to explode. Not with anger. Usually people talk about exploding with anger. It's not that. I am going to explode with too many simultaneous voices and expectations and judgments and doubts and fears and and and all at the same time.
Mr. Famous asks, "Who is in the driver's seat?" I don't f-ing know. No clue. It changes from moment to moment. It is driving me mad. And I cannot go back to being in the part that ran most of my life. Can't do it. It's like drinking a fine wine and then having to return to plonk. I have had the experience--however fleeting--of feeling whole and in self. I love it. I want it. And I cannot seem to manage it. It comes randomly. I want to be able to make it come all the time. Or more of the time, at least.
I've hardly ever been envious or jealous of anyone (except people who own a cabin by the sea), but I am envious of people who can live their lives as one person in the present. Even if they have parts. We all have parts. But there are people who are in SELF most of the time. I want to be like that. I don't want to live the way I am living right now. So I definitely have parts that want to die. But I also have parts that want to live, and live whole. Live, laugh, and love. And create too. That's all. I don't much care about anything else. Because if I can do those things, then I will have the energy to do lots of other things that matter to me as well--and do them out of love and joy, not out of fear and shame and obligation. Those are what sap me.
Okay. Need to attempt bed. But after multiple days with hideous sleeping issues, I'm dreading it. Which doesn't help. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
One bonus...for all my crazy talking to parts and hearing them talk to me...my most difficult to handle part (a kind of combination protector/firefighter part) actually shared something with me last night about my mother and it's relationship with my mother that still has me reeling. I will need to talk about this with Yoda tomorrow. Not sure what to do with all this.
What they call co-consciousness is really really sucky and terrifying. But I can do it if I can keep up the hope that maybe I can manage all these parts with intentionality instead of being managed by them. I am reminding myself that this can happen. If I keep working and believing and using strategies to remind myself...
