OCD Obsessive compulsive personality disorder

[HeraBane]

A lovely disorder that made life hell until I got diagnosed with it 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days, but at least I am aware of the disorder that causes my bad days.

The major detriment (mind the spelling) with this disorder is the Emotion Regilation that most OCPD sufferers deal with. Growing up my guardian "trained" me so to speak to never show/express emotion. Bury it as deep as you can and just keep it bottled up.

And I did. To the point where I can honestly tell you that I 99% of the time, I no longer feel any emotion what so ever. My heart just exists, no emtion, no feeling. No happiness, sadness, love, loss, empathy, nothing. The 1% is anger that can is short lived and hidden almost instantly.

My therapist gave me an explanation so to speak to help me understand how I work as far as emotion/feeling goes. She told me that intellectually I know the word love, sad, happy, etc but in my heart, I don't know or understand what it is I have forced myself not to feel it to the point I don't even know how anymore.

Basically, my therapist said, yes intellectually you love your husband, you love your son, but your heart doesn't know what love is. Because I don't feel love, I don't tend to display it openly to my husband or son, because to me intellectually I know I love them, and it doesn't occur to me that I have to show it.
My therapist told me with my son because he is only toddler does not understand this and it could cause issues between us because of the lack of physical affection(hugs, kisses, etc.)

Do you have any idea how scummy I feel having to fake affection and fake like i am feeling emtion towards my own son because I literally feel nothing? I don't want him to think mommy doesn't love him, it breaks my heart to think thats what he feels, so I have to fake it, and I hate myself because of it.

How can I be such a cold heartless person to no longer know love or happiness?

 

[sun seeker]

How can I be such a cold heartless person to no longer know love or happiness?

None of what you are describing sounds like a cold or heartless person to me. You care about how other people feel, so you strive to make them feel better, even though it is a lot of work because you have to intellectualize what most people feel automatically. That to me, says you care perhaps even more than someone for whom the feelings are just there.

A sociopath has no positive feelings for anyone, and they don't care. To them, other people are like machines, there to serve the sociopath's needs, and useless otherwise. That is a very different thing from what you are describing. You have a conscience and care about people, even if the way you care is less straightforward than for most. That's not cold or heartless at all.

What you are describing sounds like emotional numbing. I have some of that too, though I haven't had it all my life so I can tell the difference. There is a sort of twinge where positive feelings should be, so I know how I would be feeling if I could feel, and act accordingly. It's exhausting and discouraging. I mostly feel variations on fear and sadness, which are not numbed for me at all, and very little in the positive spectrum. I do feel love (though the expansive feeling of it is not as it used to be), but not joy, excitement, contentment, passion, etc. I feel anger only for brief moments. It hadn't occurred to me to feel like a terrible person because of this (I often do for other reasons, though). It doesn't sound like you are, either.

 

[sun seeker]

Another thing I should mention is that from what I've read, there are physical changes to the brain in people with emotional numbing. It isn't that we don't want to feel. It's that we physically can't. That's not to say the brain can't be retrained. Thank goodness for neuroplasticity. You might want to ask your therapist about how to do that.

 

[HeraBane]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have never looked at it the way you described and your take on it very encouraging, so thank you ☺ I can understand physically not being able to feel it because thatcis what it is like for me, I feel like an empty shell most of the time. Unfortunately, I have been this way since I was just a toddler, so I have never known any different, which as you said can be discouraging and exhausting. I think I will take your advice and talk to my therapist. Thank you so much again, your reply has given me a more encouraging view on what I go through.

 

[Catching_him]

HaraBane, I'm proud of you for finding out whyour you felt the way you do.
My husband for 15 years has OCPD, and as with any PD, it got worse as time went on. He would never admit there was a problem so he never (still hasn't) gotten treatment.
It is nice to hear you talk about your side of the feelings. I never knew what or how to say things because I didn't know what he would feel...now it makes a little more sense.
If you ever want to ask questions from the other side (and as a mother also) please feel free to contact me.
Again, thanks.

 

[Eagle3]

I have the same problem, which is why I refuse to have kids. I know I will mess them up because I can't even FAKE emotional responses on a regular basis, let alone physical affection. I have Asperger's (now ASD) as well as PTSD, so emotional issues are a real mess. I greatly respect your drive to be better for your son! I know he'll appreciate it :-)