Relationship On Shaky Ground Again

[Wastinglight]

After our big blow-up on Friday night, we talked it out and he said he still wanted to try. But he's withdrawn from me the past few days and this morning when I asked if we are okay he just shrugged his shoulders and said dunno.

Well, the tears have finally started to flow. I feel like this really might be the end for us, even though I made it clear I still wanted to keep trying. He told me to "stop pressuring him." I didn't realise that asking if we were okay constituted "pressuring" but you learn something new every day.

He has his fortnightly T appointment first thing this morning. Given that apparently his T told him he wasn't ready for a relationship, I think there's a good chance that I will get home this evening to find that my guy is ready to break it off. Well, maybe not but I'm finding it hard to be positive right now.

I've been called up to jury duty today. Oh joy. And I quit my part-time writing job this morning because I got my first paycheque and was horrified by how small it was. AU$43 for 30 articles. Well, so much for making some extra money on the side.

I don't know. Maybe this is for the best. I'm not really get my needs met in this relationship right now, but I was hoping we would both grow together, but if he's not willing, then it's not going to work.

Feeling very low right now.

 

[Wastinglight]

And we had another tense discussion before both left the house this morning. At this point he seems to be firmly of the opinion that he will be unable to cope with being in a relationship and dealing with DVA at the same time. So I challenged him to break it off. But he just threw it back at me and said "Well, let's end it now, if that's what you want." I told him he knows damn well that's not what I want.

Shouldnt he have thought about that beforehand? Yes, I admit I made a big mistake on Friday but it looks like I'm not going to be given the opportunity to come back from it. Perhaps the bigger issue is that he refuses to acknowledge his part in the problem. Well, I knew there was a good chance it might end like this. I shouldn't be so upset about it, after all I've really struggled with this relationship at times.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hang in there doll :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @Sighs and @Sweetpea76.

Well, at least I'm not stuck in the jury selection room any longer - I didn't get picked. Had time for a cry before back to work!

I have no idea what I am going to come home to tonight. I can see that he's very stressed and confused right now - he could jump either way. For me, the problem runs deeper though. If he's going to continue with this "my way or the highway" bullshit all the time, then I just don't think this relationship can survive anyway - it's too one-sided. It feels like he only has one foot in the relationship - much as he denies it. He's told me many times he is committed to this relationship, but lately his actions don't match his words. Hopefully neither of us will make a snap decision before allowing the dust to settle and we have time to think logically about it.

I tell you though - I'm going to be seriously f**ked off if he tells me he's calling it off because his T thinks it's for the best. Not because I think he blindly trusts other people's opinions, but because I don't trust him to give a fair account of what's gone on, to his T, when he's this worked up.

I guess when I get home I will ask him to wait a while before making a decision, and I will do likewise.

 

[Sighs]

I'm not sure what happened on Fri night and I don't want to pry. I just wonder what you mean by "my way or the highway".

I've learnt with my vet that he only knows one way - THE way. He was a leader. He spent decades commanding men. He was - in his own words - able to make the planets align. He had the ability to discipline men and force compliance. His men feared and respected him in equal measure. He's the most alpha alpha male I've ever come across.

He can't simply stop being all those things. So for me to be in a relationship with him I've had to accept that the most I will ever be is 2IC. He's told me outright "You can't have two commanding officers in one unit." Some days that's easier to swallow than others... And if you think it over and say to yourself - "no, I want to be an equal partner in a relationship with an equal voice" - well, that's valid. The next question is "can that be THIS relationship?".

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm not sure what happened on Fri night and I don't want to pry. I just wonder what you mean by "my way or the highway".

Oh sorry - I mean that: he gets to make rules about how this relationship will proceed, but I don't. He has all the power in this relationship - the ball is always in his court. It's very one-sided and I realise that it's unhealthy, but it wasn't like this, earlier in the year. It's really only been the past few months - and especially since I've moved in permanently at the end of July. Day to day, we get on really well (although he's often very distant), but every time a problem crops up, he just throws up his hands. It's definitely starting to go bad, and I don't know how to stop it - he seems less and less willing to try, every time we hit a problem. If we continue on this downward slide, it will be all over very soon. I don't think our problems are insurmountable at all, but he is starting to see the relationship in a very negative light.

My guy is not at all an alpha male - quite the opposite. I don't think he's used to "holding the reins", so to speak, and it feels like he's starting to abuse the power I've given him in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, I've made some big mistakes too. The difference between him and me is that I always strive to own up to my mistakes and faults, whereas he doesn't seem to recognise his role in our problems at all (or is just not admitting it). Not healthy.

 

[Wastinglight]

Also, I mean, he holds the relationship hostage every time there's a problem (ie instead of saying "Hey, I'm not happy with what you're suggesting, can we discuss it more?", he says "Well, this relationship isn't going to work if you're going to be do/say/be x"). Does that make sense?

 

[Sighs]

When my vet and I were first living together every single time we had any kind of argument he would say it was over. Eventually, I got sick of it and told him he couldn't do that - that either we were in this and going to work together or we weren't. I then became the worst kind of hypocrite because for some months after that every time we had an argument I would throw some clothes in a bag and try to leave and he would talk me into staying.

I've promised myself that I'm not going to do that again - if we break up it will not be in the heat of the moment - at least not from my end. Sigh - this roller coaster sure can make you feel nauseous at times!

 

[Wastinglight]

When my vet and I were first living together every single time we had any kind of argument he would say it was over.

Thanks, strangely that actually gives me some hope. Now that I've stopped panicking and thinking a bit more rationally, I suspect he's very overwhelmed at the moment and possibly feeling waaay out of his depth because he's in unchartered territory (first live-in girlfriend, 10 years a bachelor, first long-term relationship + PTSD + facing having to go back to work after 4 years at home, etc).

I've never broken up with someone in the heat of the moment, and he says he's not that person either, but I suspect we both got pretty close this morning. Admittedly we both pushed each other pretty hard. He called my bluff but I didn't take the bait. He says he's really really upset by what I did on Friday and says he doesn't know if he can get over it. I admitted that I f**ked up and promised I will never do it again, but now he's just coming up with more and more excuses why it's all too hard. Every time we have this argument, he becomes less interested in trying to fix it.

The worst of it is that he's acting like I'm the enemy, instead of someone who can support and help him. It's killing me that he's treating me like that.

 

[Sighs]

Aaahhh! Relationships. Even without PTSD they can be hell to navigate.

Hope tonight turns out okay. I'll be back here in the morning if you need to vent.

:hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Aaahhh! Relationships. Even without PTSD they can be hell to navigate.

Hope tonight turns out okay. I'...

Thanks so much @Sighs. I'm feeling very nervous about what he's going to say (if anything!) when I get home. Hopefully we can find a way through.

Hope all is well with you and your man!