Journal/diary Am I Retraumatising Myself

[Megflower]

Has anyone else written about their traumas?
My memory is hazy at times and I feel like I want a clearer picture. I also want to get it all out.
I am concerned I could be making myself more upset, I still don't have a therapist maybe they could help with this? Or am I just dwelling on the past and not moving on?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I understand how you feel, I also have problems with remembering a lot of stuff, even instant blackouts after a trigger. Many people hold trauma diaries here, and it helps to some. I don't know, helped categorize a bit to me.

 

[desiderata310]

@Megflower It has both helped and hurt me but I think it's more of a help. One of the things I've read is that often trauma isn't a narrative. It's sensation and emotion but it's not been put into a story- kind of a left brain/right brain thing. The idea is that if it becomes a narrative it loses some of that power.

I try to write what I can. I get lost in the trying to describe things and lose the story. Remembered bits become bigger here and there.

I keep my diary here (members only) and in a separate place that isn't as censored. Yeah. I never look at the uncensored version.

 

[Anna Roberts]

I have kept an extensive journal of my trauma, and continue to do so throughout my recovery. I personally think the best way to go about journalling is to write everything down, discuss what you wrote with a therapist (I strongly recommend looking for one, if you are able), and delete everything afterwards. Otherwise, you will end up feeling low one day and forcing yourself to go through all those journal entries and memories. I know because I do that all the time and it always sets me back.

If you absolutely must remember something, write about it in very brief, concise, non-triggering language and put it in a Do Not Read Unless... folder.

Instead of writing a trauma diary, why don't you try writing down every good thing that happens to you? That way, you can look back and smile instead of cry.

 

[jaccat]

I've been writing for years, from long before I first sought help. Genuinely I think it's helped keep me sane. I write down pretty much whatever comes to me, thoughts, feelings, stuff going on in my life now, stuff from the past. For a long time I wasn't able to write a direct retelling of stuff that happened, my head just wouldn't go there, but just being able to write anything helped.

Not everything I wrote was bad, I kept a record of good stuff too, usually in a different notebook. I used to have two or three different notebooks on the go at any one time.

You don't have to read back what you write, if you don't feel able. If you really want you can screw it up and destroy it afterwards. And then if you feel something doesn't want you to go there, don't. You're going to know best.

For me, my writing does play a part now I'm in therapy, and my therapist is helping me with this, but its a very one off thing that works for me.

If you do choose to start a journal I think the most important thing is to trust yourself. Tell the things you want to tell, and don't be afraid of what comes up.

 

[illusionist]

I've started a private diary on here which I'm finding very helpful in working out something from the past that affects my present life and know I need to dig out reasons etc. I'm already spotting things I didn't spot before just by re reading what I've written.....it isn't re traumatizing atm but helping me see more clearly and allows me to open up emotionally...something I've never really really done...once I've been totally honest with myself, accepted it....then I can open up to the person who deserves explanation.

 

[Megflower]

Thanks all for the input. I wrote out one of my main traumatic memories the other evening, but I had a bad day with alot of triggers the following day and it all just became too much too real.
But I wrote an email to someone (didn't send it) giving an overview of my trauma in a really clear linear non detailed kind of clinical way. That actually helped more, made it real but it also lost some of its power because its not happening anymore that's the past. But I felt so proud that is the first time I have ever made any attempt to admit it actually happened. Now I just have to say it out aloud, I don't have therapist and I have never told anyone. Just not sure who to trust. Just feel like I need to tell someone, I want someone to say finally that they believe me. Does that make sense? Is that what a therapist is for?

 

[Anna Roberts]

Thanks all for the input. I wrote out one of my main traumatic memories the other evening, but I had a...

You might find letter-writing to be very cathartic as well.

I'm not sure if a therapist is automatically someone you can trust, though. You need to slowly build the therapist-patient relationship until trust forms, just like in any other relationship. But, yes, a therapist would absolutely believe you and be able to help you through this and most importantly, give you tools to cope on your own and heal.

You might also want to consider starting a journal on this site, if you're comfortable with the idea, at least until you find a therapist. It might help to have feedback from fellow sufferers as well.