How Do You Resolve The Emotion Of Shame ?

[Ronin]

Disgust is easy, but if I start to think of all the times where disgust happened then it overwhelms me

What about parsing disgust into smaller pieces? I don't tend to see disgust as an emotion as much as a mix of thoughts / attitudes / prejudices and then emotion more having to do with approach or not, risk assesment, things like that - so maybe looking at what does disgust consist of, single instance of it, as opposed to unknotting multiple events?

 

[oasis2003]

Yes I suppose disgust is a mix of thoughts and attitudes, for me it is disgust in myself and what happened in a traumatic situation/situations. So when my therapist said how about disgust I thought about times I felt disgust and it flooded back a jumble of memories, but I did not dissociate but felt very upset when I got out of the therapists room. These are the things we are working on. Shame is much more difficult for me to feel it is just a global feeling. At the moment sadness, fear and anxiety are the utmost emotions that I feel like on a daily basis. My medication has been changed from sertraline to Cymbalta so hopefully this will make me start to feel a bit better.

 

[Justmehere]

Shame that stems from trauma often tells us that it was our fault, we were to blame, we are inherently bad... It's usually about self worth.

One reason survivors believe trauma was their fault or happened because they were inherently bad because it's a way to make sense of it, to have a sense of control or at least that A plus B = C. Bad things are happening to me, I can't stop them, therefore I must be inherently bad.

The real truth is that trauma happens and it is out of our control and it is not because we were inherently bad.

Guilt motivates us to change, go a different way. Shame silences and shuts down connection with our true authentic selves and that with other people. During trauma, shame can be a way we try to reduce our vulnerability to being hurt while the trauma is happening.

I have read that shame can be anger turned inward on ourselves in a very non-verbal way. The idea is that as we learn to put the blame were it should be and process the anger, the shame will begin to lift.

One of the ways I have discovered to work with shame is to talk, and keep talking and sharing what triggers feelings of shame (which as others have explained is so different than guilt), and discover and experience others accepting me, being safe towards me, and places like this forum, that people I don't see as shameful, can relate to my expenses and have often been through similar experiences.

There are other times where I identify shame and endure it like a cold: it a feeling, a physical sensation, and a cause for good self care and not running and hiding (which is what is usually want to do.)

You are beginning the process of breaking down shame even now. By even asking how to resolve shame, you are beginning to counteract the silence, the emotion, and messages of shame. You are beginning to say your abusers were wrong. You are of great value. You do have a right to recover and not be stuck in horrible experience of feeling shame. You do not deserve to feel this way.

I hope you find ways to find relief from the experience of shame. I find it to be pretty awful to deal with myself.

 

[Dana1010]

The real truth is that trauma happens and it is out of our control and it is not because we were inherently bad.

Let's not forget that many of us here struggle with shame from incidents that weren't simply done to us by outside foes. Sometimes we were the ones bringing trauma on ourselves through self destructive behavior; sometimes we were a decisive party to the trauma in some way; sometimes we just have terrible memories of mistakes we made ourselves. In my own life, I know I can attribute a lot of the aforementioned to the conditioning I received in my formative years--I was basically groomed to make bad choices. While acknowledging that, I still seek a way to deconstruct and digest shame that isn't simply about blaming the forces that put me in those positions (however justified that is).

 

[ms spock]

@Oasis I relate to what you are writing about in terms of shame. I don't have any suggestions, but as you can see with all the thoughtful replies, you are certainly not alone. I am struggling with shame a lot.

 

[oasis2003]

hi
Thank you for your replies. @Justmehere yes shame anger turned inward, my T says I am angry, I don't feel anger just sadness, anxiety and numb. I have been hoping that anger and sadness will come out to shift it but it has not happened yet. Yes I usually want to run and hide to or avoid. Feeling shame like a cold sounds a good idea. Oh I am just at the early stages of acknowledging that my primary carer was abusive in an emotional narcissistic kind of a way . Thank you for your encouragement. @WillyKat I know the feeling of guilt, I was always made to feel guilty for not ever being good enough for my mother, guilty for showing any emotions, guilty for just not being invisible enough. Shame is different I still cannot identify it apart from agreeing with you that I have internalised it non verbally. Yes and I will have to reinvent myself and my whole formative life. I thought it was all my fault all the time I will have to walk in my own truth, this is all a very big thing to come to terms with. As for the interpersonal trauma I have disgust for my self I am ashamed it is still difficult to think about let alone talk about with any one my avoidance tactics are very well tuned for this at the moment. When I am in a flash back for this it can last for days a lot of it being dissociation.@Dana1010 I can relate to a lot of what you have said. @MsSpock it is good to know that you re not alone in all of this, not that I would wish any harm on any one at all I wish it could all be made better for everyone with a swish of a magic wand. Life is not like that though unfortunately. :hug:and:):) everyone.