How Do I Connect Emotion And Sex?

[Be Braver]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. We're sexually active and it has taken a while for me to get there. He has been patient, and encourages me to continue to work through my struggles. Recently he voiced his concern over my mentality about sex. He said that he has come to the realization that for me sex doesn't really have an emotional importance to me. Which is completely true. For me it is easier to disconnect the emotion from sex. The reason being when I leave emotions out of it I can actually enjoy myself and the guilt is bearable. However, my boyfriend is right, and it's something I need to work on. I guess my question is how do I start the process of making sex a more emotional act rather then just a physical one. I know it is pretty much going to have to be the process of learning how to accept being loved my someone, but I'm not sure how to do that really. I already warned my boyfriend for a lot of tears, and he says he is willing to do whatever it takes to help me with the process. Has anyone else had to work on this process? If so how did you do it? Is this a normal thing to have to work on for someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse?

 

[shimmerz]

Is this a normal thing to have to work on for someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse?

It can be. It can also make sex a primal act (which as well is a way of removing the emotion).

I think a ton depends on what parts of sex trigger you up. Is it orgasm? Is it being pinned down? Is it feeling good? Tantric practice may be a way to move through it, depending on where you are getting hung up (so to speak).

I don't think this is something to be worked on 'all by yourself', and it seems that is what your husband has charged you with. Best to get a therapist to perhaps take smaller bites to hook positive emotion in with your intimate life.

 

[Be Braver]

@shimmerz Thanks for the response! I really like the idea of the tantric practice! I googled it and it sounds like a good place to start. My boyfriend certainly isn't pinning it just on me, it was just something he brought to my attention. I'm the one who doesn't like therapists. I've seen one for over a year and I never felt comfortable enough to open up about my assault. It was always something I put off. But I feel comfortable talking about it with my boyfriend so we sort of tag team it within our parameters. I was thinking about maybe going again to my therapist in hopes of seeking a plan to work on this, but I would want my boyfriend to come with me and I don't know if that is weird.... in this situation

 

[UnKnown-Self]

It might help if you tried a different therapist. It's an important relationship and a healthy bonding could make all the difference in your healing progress.

You feel guilt during sex so you're not able to disconnect from all emotions. The guilt stops any positive emotion.

You can't accept being loved by someone without loving yourself first. Before you can start loving yourself you need self-compassion which also affects your self-esteem.

I don't think it's weird at all for your boyfriend to go with you but you should have sessions by yourself too.
If, hopefully when, you go to a therapist, ask for someone who specializes in childhood trauma. Not all therapists are created equal.

My answer to your initial question is, I honestly don't know. I don't think I ever connected any healthy emotion with sex. You have given me a new insight. Thank you and I wish you all the best.

 

[Della]

First ask yourself are you really in love with this guy? Sometimes it tough to combine the two together with sex. Sex and emotion do go hand in hand in a relationship that's normal. BUT, if you are taking antidepressants or anti anxiety meds, they have a cause of sometime desensitizing you to things. They mess with the emotional aspect of it because the central nervous system (brain &spinal cord) is where the sex desire stems from and meds can make yoh feel less desire for sex as well.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think it is quite normal for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse to feel emotionally numb about sex. I have a limit to how much I can enjoy sex emotionally and physically before I become extremely triggery and experience overwhelming feelings of shame and disgust.

For me, trust has been key to being able to push those limits a little bit further. It's very difficult, though. I have a high libido, so desiring sex is not an issue for me, but I lean toward certain sexual practices that put me in a safe zone of not allowing myself to feel too deeply or too good while engaged in sex. I doubt that's a healthy answer, but it's the only one I've found to cope with these issues.

I wish you the best of luck navigating this, and I hope you will keep us updated on what is working for you and what is not.

 

[Rumors]

For me it is about trust, vulnerability, and shame. I don't trust anyone enough to feel vulnerable because I have so much shame over having sex and enjoying it at 4 yrs old.
Sorry, way too much information....just my take...

 

[Cryptantha]

I think this is a great question, how to start this process of connecting positive emotion with sex. I was a victim of sexual abuse too, and it can be difficult. I personally have found that I have to take very small baby steps. Even groping was a trigger for me. Having my boyfriend explain that he did it because he found me desirable, breaking down the steps, of how most women found their lover's touch to be pleasant, and that touching was ok with him, that pleasure from touch is ok and I don't have to feel bad, that I'm an adult now, that I can stay here in the present during sexual activity and not to the past and flashbacks.

Therapy is definitely helpful during this process, to examine past thought patterns and behaviors from those. I hope my rambling helps!

 

[Be Braver]

Thank you so much for all your responses everyone! @Della I certainly do love this man. Honestly I can see myself marrying him in the future. He is who I go to when I need to feel safe, and I trust him beyond what I thought was possible for me anymore.

@Cryptantha I know I have to take super baby steps too. I've already told my poor boyfriend to be prepared to have to stop and expect tears. He told me he will do whatever it takes.

I think I am going to try the suggestion of Tantric practices, because it really focuses on taking things slow and feeling the emotions/sensations. I think that it will be a good place to start. What's weird is I feel like I have to start all over. It took me 9 months to even become sexually active with him on a physical level, and the emotional aspect is always so much harder.
Thank you for your support everyone! <3