Compiling A Timeline

[Brokensoul88]

I got the job! Sat at my desk before interview my boss arrived & burst out crying. Boss took my for a coffee & calmed me down before interview then after a somewhat panicked & shakey start before I knew it, it was done. Kicking myself right now though because there should be this... Ellation?? Excitement?? I guess I just have a lot of doubt in myself & fear. Fear of failure like I've mentioned before is like having a little monster in my head saying "you are so screwed" "you're going to mess this up" we didn't talk about anything emotional last night, my T just tried to prepare me. She described a concept called child, adult, parent-three types of people we can be in a situation. The child- being insecure, afraid, vulnerable, the adult- sensible, having perspective & rational and the parent- you can't/must not do that". She said in your interview be the adult. There was more description than that but u get the jist. It worked. Next week back to the hard stuff

 

[void]

I got the job! Sat at my desk before interview my boss arrived & burst out crying. Boss took my for...

Congrats!!

 

[Ronin]

Many congratulations, @Brokensoul88. Well done. ;)

 

[Ocean5]

I got the job!

Congrats - happy for you!

 

[Brokensoul88]

Wow, today was a bust! Felt tired & headache all day then call from my Dad about all the crap the plumber has been doing wrecking my house made me tearful & I sat back at my desk thinking "shut it down keep control"- Everyone looked at me & said what's happened now? And I flipped in the office, burst out crying boss said what's happened & I thought I have to go I can't hold it together. Got to my car & had a panic attack in the car park stayed there for half an hour trying to stop sobbing & gasping for breath. Finally called my boss & explained she said "I thought you were about to have one." I didn't feel reassured, she is usually really good at that but I felt a bit like she was tired of it all - but she pushed me to go for the job which is one of the things which has made me so tense the last week. Went to McDonalds & had a binge (there's some more disgust & guilt for me to mull over about myself) and waited some more because I couldn't bare to go back to house if the plumber would still be there. Enter Diazepam, only 2 tablets left of my supply which I hadn't touched in months and I know I can't go to my new Dr & thrash it all out again to get some more. Just can't handle it. Need to continue to discuss timeline Tuesday but I don't know if I can get myself to a stable mood to do so in between now & then

 

[void]

Wow, today was a bust! Felt tired & headache all day then call from my Dad about all the crap the p...

To quote my sage T. "We need to take a step back from working so hard in therapy until we can re-establish stability."

In therapy, stability comes before pushing further in therapy. She has 36 years of working with PTSD exclusively. Will you consider whether this may apply to you?

 

[Brokensoul88]

I think you are completely right Void, going to discuss my tablet situation with my T, I don't take my anti-depressants anymore. Went cold turkey in July & managed to get off them but with everything going on I'm not sure what to do. Need to be stable enough to be good in my new job. I came of tablets because I thought, if I can't feel it then I'm not going to get any benefit in therapy but now I am not sure what to do for the best.

 

[void]

I think you are completely right Void, going to discuss my tablet situation with my T, I don't take...

@Brokensoul88
I think you are wise.:happy:
Healing from our trauma histories is not a rush-job, we want to be thorough and achieve high quality personal growth.
Like a home where a strong stable foundation must come first, we must have stability before we can complete the detailed work.

Please keep us posted as you continue your journey.:happy:

 

[Brokensoul88]

My T talked about me getting more help in my last session, she said that she thought 1 session a week was not enough and mentioned a company that offers sessions from trainees at a reduced rate. As my sessions are from a SA charity they are free but we are almost 1/2 way through- it will be my 10th session on Tuesday. It was a strange session as I had never messaged her in between sessions until that one and so we talked a bit about my melt down the week before. She could tell I still wasn't right & asked what I wanted to talk about today I said I am here for a pupae let's carry on with the timeline. She disagreed as I imagine she could tell I was not stable enough for that. Anyway, toward the end I was getting that feeling again, like I need to get away from any & everyone. I felt like I was wasting my sessions and I think it was because she had talked about looking for someone else. The thought of introducing anyone else into this is painful, I don't want to have anyone else know. The last 10 mins I didn't hear a word she said & when she asked what I was thinking I said I have to get out, she just stood up said ok, take care and I felt really embarrassed that I walked out. I apologised in a text 2 days later & she wants me to write down what was going through my head, but I can't be sure what exactly set me off or what was going on in my head in those last 10 mins. I have a lot of doubt this week, I don't want to get to the end of the sessions & just have open wounds. I'm just starting to trust her but 11 sessions to go seems like it won't be enough

 

[Gadgie]

Quote......."I'm just starting to trust her but 11 sessions to go seems like it won't be enough"

You know that's exactly what I thought when they stopped my therapy altogether last year. They gave the reason as I was not responding quick enough, NAND had too many issues?

It took me a while to trust the therapist, but then again it was my first time in therapy.

Did you also feel "uneasy and nervous" when you first started?

 

[Brokensoul88]

Yes Gadgie, I was a wreck the first two times I met her. This new person, this stranger who I would be expected to bear my soul to. It is my first psychotherapy, I had some assistance from a support work with another charity before this but this is certainly different. The support worker tread more carefully but my T is, as she should be, driven to get me to open up & face the monster. So I think to myself do I just go in let it all out & then hope the remaining sessions are enough to scrape me back off the floor or do I just pilfer away the sessions and avoid the risk of being left with open wounds at the end of it

 

[Brokensoul88]

We got back to going over the timeline yesterday & she asked what I had remembered during an early flashback when I started to remember. I said "the darkness" & half dissociated. I could hear her talking but in my head my internal self was saying "no no no, you can't deal with this, distance yourself, don't go there" she brought me back & after a while she asked when I knew he was there, I heard his last 2 thudding footsteps behind me as I had my earphones in. She asked what I was listening to then, it took a while to remember but it was Linkin Park. I laughed slightly insanely at that, my internal joke & she asked why. I don't really get angry, I get really anxious & stressed but rarely angry, listening to that sort of music is like a musical manifestation of what I don't show externally. To me it seemed...ironic? Perhaps. I was pretty jumpy last night & even had to go outside in the gales round the side of the house (no lights) which scared the poop out if me. I was expecting more of a reaction last night & today. Which hadn't happened until now, after a few things have gone wrong, extra bill from Sky, all my house bins dotted around the street, dr closed for training. I have just been hit with this urge to be somewhere else, have somebody else's life even. Was supposed to go & arrange appt with new surgery I have joined after the move to go back in meds & was already feeling anxious about just making a damn appt. I'm so overwhelmed with everything