DID Dissociative identity disorder internal rules and emotions

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Along with PTSD, I have dissociative identity disorder. I recently did some hard work opening lines of communications with the majority of my parts (alters, self-states...), but in order to do so I had to promise not to investigate traumas from the past. For example, I had a dream/flashback a while back and I didn't know which it was, but I knew how to work towards confirming if it was a flashback. But I could not do that because of the promise I made. That was hard for me, but I understood the reasons. One part in particular is a "protector at all costs" and no information is allowed out about the childhood traumas.

Last week something came up in therapy and I started crying and talking and what I was saying felt like it was both me in the present talking and a part from the past talking. And that has perhaps given me an identity to a past abuser. But I am not going to fish for details. Then, today as I headed to therapy, I got really angry at this memory and sad, but this one protector part got upset and said that that topic was off limits for therapy. This probably sounds really confusing and it should because it is!

Anyway, during therapy today, I started crying and then felt tons of anger. I also felt fear. The emotions became so intense I felt like I was going to explode- quite literally from feeling so much. So I froze. I sat there half aware as the emotions were slowly shut-down while another part desperately wanted to literally run from the room. But I as frozen, because running seemed very wrong, too.

In the end the emotions were turned off from being shown, my therapist and I got me more grounded to the present, and I left pretending that I was fine. I was not fine. I could barely walk to my car and when I was driving everything seemed surreal. I kept having to bring myself back to the present. I drove to the library and worked on a puzzle there. I finished it (feeling guilty all the while because I was not the one who started the puzzle and even though it's free for anyone to work on it, I felt like I had no right to be the one to finish it). I then realized an hour and a half had gone by so I drove home. Now I am stuck with these emotions and I have no idea how to get them out. I can't talk about anything specific with them. I have tried art and poetry recently as ways to get them out. I feel like I need to say what I am feeling in the context that my internal rules forbid talking about. Anyone have any suggestions on how else I might be able to express these feelings that are making me feel like I am going to explode? Or anyone have experience with convincing parts that it is okay to talk about some of the details related to the feelings?

 

[Ellabella44]

OK, have you gotten something for the protector self to wear? I know odd question, but he or she might need something that comforts them and makes them feel safe.

A protector can over protect. It might also help if you put them in what I call a gaming mindset. ( I play online multiplayer games. In them a team conquers a boss enemy).

But to "win" the fight against this boss ( PTSD symptoms) you have to strip off the armor and use new weapons. Taking off the armor is trusting your therapist in session. It is OK to take it off, its heavy and useless right now.

New weapons you get is anything that grounds you. Meditation, music, a stuffed animal, things that make your parts happy and feel safe. Telling your story, when you have kept silent. Giving voice to parts that were injured, letting them stand up and say NO! Confidence in you as a whole being.

And that is how he or she can protect you all now, by dropping the armor and picking up the new gear. All it cost me was a camo T shirt and a nice pair of ladies combat style boots.

I've never been in army etc, but it just felt so satisfying to wear those shiny black sh*t kickers.

Once I got them to realize that over protecting keeps the others in pain we worked on it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Ellabella44 - Interesting thoughts. This particular part had a "costume" that she recently was convinced to take off and contain. This was during the time that she became willing to allow the internal system to communicate and maintain "safety" here in the outside world. The deal was that I wouldn't investigate and no one would prompt memory holders to give details. We're not supposed to deal with that, at least not yet. But I don't know how to separate the emotions from these specific past and present incidents. The clothing is interesting to me because I have taken to wearing certain clothes for certain parts and doing my hair a certain way so that it isn't just me making all of those decisions.

 

[Ellabella44]

Yep I did that for quite a while too. My rule was however we dress, have to have my rings on to ground and bring to present day self. I had more of a feeling of switching who rather than mood.

He/ she may not want to touch their deepest pain as well.

If mine could talk to yours, its OK , taking this enemy on (the symptoms) is essential to the survival of yourself, who you are protecting, as well as the survival of the physical body. You can make them all stronger eventually by letting each fight back with their own words and needs.

Yes it will probably hurt at first. You all have been holding in pain. But to heal you need to work together like a group. Everyone needs to heal even you though you'd hate to admit it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yes it will probably hurt at first. You all have been holding in pain. But to heal you need to work together like a group. Everyone needs to heal even you though you'd hate to admit it.

Thanks. We know that. We're just getting started at working as a group though so we're trying to get that stable in the here and now before attempting to go back. It made perfect sense when that plan was made, but now I am so confused.

 

[Ellabella44]

I know it made sense to me too but all of you are hurting keeping things this way.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Hi Jek,
Firstly sorry you're going through all of this. And very sorry to all your child parts. Just some thoughts that came to me while I was reading this. Not advice, because only you and they can feel what is best for you. And please don't think I am judging in any way- I really don't intend to. I think my thoughts and feelings around this stem from being a teacher and having to train in Child Protection; plus having structural dissociation that I'm just getting my head round and beginning to get to know the parts.
Anyway one thought that struck me was that one thing we are taught in child protection is not to promise that we will be able to keep the child's story secret. That when they begin to tell us we have to say to them that we might have to tell other people. And that struck me as I was reading what you'd written. It's a difficult one I know as then the child might not disclose. But it is to keep them safe. And how could they trust us if we didn't tell them that? And I was also thinking how there is an adult part, and children don't always know what is best for them. And sometimes the adult part needs to take charge of the children. I know it is difficult in that you have made them a promise now, I can see how hard it must be. But could your adult part help the child part to feel safe? I tell mine that my therapist is safe when I go there and that they can tell her anything. She will keep them safe. And by telling her it will help them. I guess that I have been lied to into thinking it isn't safe to tell. Perhaps that daddy would go to prison. Or that mummy would leave me. Or that I would be killed or my sister would be killed. So I have to make those little parts feel safe by telling them that I am an adult now and those were lies. Those things won't happen. It is safe to tell. I guess it will take a while for them to feel safe enough to trust though. I hope this makes sense. Just something to think about.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I tell mine that my therapist is safe when I go there and that they can tell her anything. She will keep them safe.

That's a BIG problem- we don't believe anything is safe. And the biggest threat that was made to us is impossible to for me to know if it's true or not. So I cannot guarantee that anywhere is safe for talking. And the current plan for working with my parts- adults and children alike- is not to get into trauma details and to work on dealing with our reactions to life. It was never promised that there wouldn't be a day when information was revealed to some extent, but just that now is not the time. I guess I need to talk to this one part in particular and see if it's okay if I just let a little bit of my adult life information out without being specific. Or perhaps I just need a way to let emotions out regardless of where they are coming from or why.

@Rainydaiz - I can appreciate your perspective about not promising to keep secrets safe because I am a teacher myself. I don't know most of the secrets but there is a crossover right now somehow between the past and my adult-life.

 

[Digz]

I know your confusion and your confused entangled of emotions well. So much of what you wrote reminded me of situations and feelings I have felt so many times before. I too, have DID.

I guess, there are a few things I can suggest and then you just have to see which might work for you and keep working at it, unfortunately none are short term solutions, but the good news is you can begin to work together with these parts more in the future.

One thing I found for my protector part that could help is to let them get the anger out - that part of me, as a protector, also held a lot of anger. Sometimes to protect, you have to be angry. Have you ever tried a punching bag or something similar? I remember once, even taking old plates into my backyard and letting that part smash them and indulge fully in their anger. They've been through a lot too, they've had a huge burden and a very tough job to be the 'protector'. Try acknowledging that as a start and thanking them. Let them have some time to themselves to get angry. Another thing I found, along the same lines is after acknowledging that this part has a right to be angry, has a done a good job as your protector, is to slowly (without saying they're wrong) begin to help them see that they don't need to protect you any longer. This is hard, because not only does that part of you not want to believe it, probably, deep down you don't want them to believe it too - because you are used to them being there as your protector. How would you ever feel safe if they're not there? But you are an adult now, who is big and can protect yourself. Other parts of your brain will try to argue that away. 'But what if...' Don't let it. Don't argue. Don't get angry. Just keep reminding it, that you can do the protecting now. You can call the police. You can fight back. You can do so much - but most of all - you're out of direct danger now.

As for the tangled web of emotions... that is very hard. From my experience, it's likely you are feeling so many things, because these emotions are coming from different parts of your self. It is good for you to allow time to explore this and give these parts a non-interfered by you time to let out what's bothering them. I can often think emotions are 'mine', but then find them to be my child part's. For me, writing works. I sit down with the intention of not writing about much. I start with simple 'I' statements. Today I feel... I might even say, "I don't know why"... and then I just keep writing, maybe about nothing, until eventually something happens and another part will take over partially and I will often begin to get an idea of what's truly wrong. If you don't like writing, you can try just sitting down alone in a quiet space, reassuring your other parts and asking them one by one, "Are you ok? Is it you that's upset? Can I help?"
Hope something in this very long answer helps! Hang in there. If you keep at it, you will one day be able to work together with your other parts more easily.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Digz - thanks for your response full of ideas. This particular protector part keeps the secrets (I have two of those actually). And I don't know what she feels because she has always said it is not her job to feel so that seems like a pretty good place to start- helping her figure out if any of these feelings are hers.

I have a different protector that holds anger- that's always been her job to hold anger and to protect (when relatively safe to do so) by showing anger. I have been working with her on healthier ways to express anger and she is learning more effective ways to communicate. She likes running in the woods, which isn't something we can do right now. She also likes basketball and the best I can do for that is bouncing a ball around as we don't have anywhere to play or people to play with. She's been exploring art lately, too.

Now writing, that is something we can do! I love to write and the majority of my communication with parts has been established in an internal dialogue journal. I like the idea of starting with "I don't know why..." and seeing what happens from there. We do a lot of cluster journaling (webbing/brainstorming) around particular issues as a group, but this might more easily allow one part to communicate and help me know where some of the emotions are coming from specifically. Often I know or can figure it out, but you are right, this time it is probably multiple parts. Thanks for the ideas.

 

[Digz]

No problem. I hope that it gets you somewhere. I wonder if your protector part, that keeps the secrets, sees it as her job not to feel, because the idea of feeling all of those things she's stored away and kept from the other parts is just such a horrible thought. At first I used to hate my protector/angry part (for me, it's all one identity) but nowadays I feel pretty sorry for her. She had the worst job, trying to keep all the secrets, having to always be strong. My protector part now, after a long time wants to take a more background role and I think would really like to 'retire' her role. I still can't yet fully resolve that one though. The thought of not having her there in the background - on a logical level I know I don't need her to be safe - but logic and safety at this time in reality has very little to do with the emotions surrounding DID issues!
I hope you are able to find some answers about why you're feeling the emotions you are. Good luck.

 

[Blingkatt]

I know your confusion and your confused entangled of emotions well. So much of what you wrote reminded me...

Thank you, Digz. Your suggestions are a way for me to start talking to the place inside myself that can do such life ending things.