Apparently I've Reached An Impasse...

[barefoot]

@WillyKat Yes, I think that's probably the truth of it...
It's just not necessarily a truth I like to admit because of how needy it makes me feel.

 

[WillyKat]

We're all needy. We have wounds, just like those with broken limbs, we have needs.

 

[Flower Power]

When she said I was in denial so we'd reached an impasse, I said then I didn't see the point in my comi...

It absolutely makes sense.. Often we have to find what exactly is the point of resistance. That is what we have to see more clearly. Why did you react so strongly to the words "denial" and "impasse" and immediately make yourself wrong and having to defend what has obviously been a belief that you have stood on for ages as a way of coping. Many people defend with the belief "that it wasn't that bad", and that if our abuse came from parents there is a tendency to really do this, because they are Gods to us as children, so the problem must be that they are right and that "I am wrong and the problem". I had to unwind this myself. Whenever you hit that brick wall of denial and feel that rise of defensiveness that surges know that there is a seed there that is part of the glue that is keeping it all held together. But it is the defense of the child, if your abuse happened as a child, it comes from that age we were when the abuse occurred. Our defense mechanisms were designed at that time. When we have learned no other means of coping than the perfection of dissasociation and splitting, denial, minimization, defending the abuser, making ourselves wrong (if I fix me than it will be ok and they will love me). No one wants to admit we were believing wrong. No one. And here is the beauty you weren't believing wrong, you have been believing what it took to survive! The mind is a powerful tool and it does nothing but try to protect us at all cost. So you have been doing it perfectly, believing perfectly to survive. Now it is a choice to open up options that look like believing differently and belief takes time, especially when you first start. As children we believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy as adults we have had to accept the truth that many have abused us and we have suffered at their hands. Blessings don't give up, continue with your therapist, maybe ask if you could move a little slower and more gently, with more reassurance that you are ok where you are. Don't be afraid to ask her for what you need.

 

[watundah]

It's just sooo freaking complicated and frustrating and madness making. We are, just within the last month or two beginning to discuss what happened to me when I was 4 years old. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty but I suspect that she wants to to understand better. She is big on how the body remembers but to me it was such a small piece of years of maltreatment that it's all mooshed in there as just a hazy memory. It is difficult to agree when she insists that, hey, we need to spend time on this when its all just a big clusterferk to me. She is very subtle and not pushy, but she does bring it up at once a session as though she wants to keep a light on it. My conscious mind thinks, is this really necessary? And while she may be right it is so hard for me to consider a 50 year old blurry experience to be part of me. She explained that part of that was dissocciative thinking at the time but at 4 years old I was not being physically hurt and didnt even understand what was happening was wrong then repressed it for 40 years. Budgeting another 2 years of treatment just for this small piece of the pie....grrrr...I too try logic over somatic memory, or whatever the hell it is!

 

[barefoot]

Seeing my therapist in a few hours...feel ridiculously nervous!

I didn't get in touch with her earlier in the week in the end as I couldn't decide what to say. SoI haven't given her a heads up that I've been in a complete tizz for the past two weeks and I didn't talk to her about the appointment I had this morning. Appointment actually went ok but I've been back home for about an hour and now I feel a bit...edgy...!

Hoping I can reign myself in so that I don't get defensive/feisty with her - and so that I don't go the opposite way and have another meltdown and retraumatize myself with her like I did a few weeks ago. Jeez...!

 

[scout86]

Good luck!

Remember, she deals with this kind of stuff all the time. If she didn't want to do it, she'd be in a different line of work. She just needs some idea of what's going on so she can figure out how to help.

 

[barefoot]

So...it didn't go brilliantly...I felt really awkward and uncomfortable right from the start and my defences got the better of me! Didn't manage to say half the things I wanted to say because I just found it so hard to speak. Lots of long silences where I just sat and tried not to panic. Felt like we were talking at cross purposes for some of it, which just made me feel really frustrated but I couldn't express what I really meant/what my frustration was.
Think I should have sent her that heads up email after all...!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I'm sorry didn't go the way you wanted it to, is it possible to email her to explain why? Do you have another appointment?

 

[barefoot]

I have a regular weekly slot with her so we left it that I'd email her to confirm whether or not I'll be going next week. So I'm planning on going to it. But maybe I should also put some of the things I wanted to say today but couldn't in the email.

Just feels so long to wait another week. As soon as I left her room today I wanted to go straight back in to have another go and put it right. So frustrating...

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I know that feeling, I would definitely put the stuff in the next email, I'm rooting for you :tup:

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Cj77
I just feel so disappointed with myself tonight. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better tomorrow and can write her a decent email then. And then I just need to avoid counting the days til I see her next!

 

[scout86]

I know that feeling too!

I just feel so disappointed with myself tonight.

Well, maybe reconsider that. If you didn't have any issues to work on, you probably wouldn't be in therapy. If this stuff was easy, you wouldn't have to do it. You did the best you could at the time. That's enough.

I think sending the email would be a great idea. She's probably well aware that this is hard and something specific is bothering you but she has no way to know exactly what it is unless you tell her. Or at least give her a hint. It's all part of the process!