Justmehere
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The church called.
They told me I am a divisive person. This is the one sin some types of Christians see as the ultimate sin that can not be ever allowed to happen in a church. It is what it is. I'm semi going over the edge about this.
This is what happened:
I went to a new bible study at the church. They told me I could not go because of the "incident" - a matter I posted about before. A matter I thought they finally dropped and were going to move on about. It's been several months. I was told not to go to this new study after I went one time. They said I did nothing wrong at the new study. They can't risk having me there. "But we welcome you to come to services." Like the one this weekend where they said the service is not real check but the small community bible studies are and everyone needs people in their life, not just talks to watch.
So, since I was sick of hypocrisy, I went to a new and very diferent church. I didn't tell anyone at the old church and I didn't talk about the old church to the new ones. But months ago, they had been contacted by the old church. They told me I needed to go back and resolve matters with the old church before attending their church.
Right.
I went back to the old church. I called the senior pastor. I asked what my sin was to exclude me yet again from a new bible study. I didn't mention the new church, as I was too scared to do so. I begged in tears to know. They told me they can not risk incidents. I asked what I had done to cause incidents. What are you talking about? They would not tell me.
The senior pastor told me to go look up a verse. I said, "I have no hope. I can never be good enough for you, can I? There is no way out of this." We kept talking. Well, I kept begging to be told what I did wrong and they would not tell me. He did say they previously did offer me a path to address my unnamed sin, and I asked what it was. He said I didn't do it. I asked what didn't I do. He said he couldn't tell me but I didn't do it.
I asked "would you like evidence to show I did everything you asked of me?"
He said, "No."
I began crying and pacing. I begged for them to tell me what is my sin? What did I do wrong and what is the path to move forward past this? Why doesn't evidence of doing he asked matter? (What he asked me to do was wrong for him to ask but I did it anyhow and they rejected it and decided not to do it.)
He told me to go look up the verse and passive aggressively told me it was nice speaking to me and hung up before I could say anything else.
I looked up the verse.
It says to "warn the divisive person once" and then "have nothing to do with them."
I went into a severe panic. I did the worst thing possible. I called him back and begged to know what I did that was divisive. What can I do to protect unity?
I was shaking with fear and so panicky. All these abandonment alarms were going off and I felt like that 7 year old kid again trying to make my dad happy. I told them "I am being publicly shunned because of this accusation and it's extremely painful, please tell me me how to make it stop. Please."
They said it was clear it was unhelpful to talk to me. "We will talk later, face to face." I hysterically said, "no please stop, I don't want to breathe anymore. I can't take this anymore." They asked where I was and I told them I was walking to a meeting for work. They said they wanted to help me. Kept asking me my location and I asked them to leave me alone, I don't need your help I need you to treat me like a person. They again said "there is clearly no point to asking with you right now, we will meet face to face."
I told them "no, I am sick of this please stop." I told them that ever since "you found out I had PTSD you have treated me like a freak and pathologist everything about me and never treat me like a normal human being and I can't take it anymore. I want to be treated like a human again and no more of this nonsense. If you can't tell me what specific thing I did wrong then leave me alone please. I just can't take this anymore."
I can't feel anything. I couldn't make them happy. I couldn't get away from them. It feels too much like some of my childhood hell.
The police called me, said the church called them and was concerned I was "suicidal or something."
I told them to "please leave me alone, please do not speak to me." I know. Stupid to say and do. I don't know if I should call the police back and tell them how I am doing or what.
I am fighting a storm of suicidal thoughts, but I am not going to act on them. I am not. I don't know why I am sure of that, but I am. I still have the thoughts. I am spinning. I am missing my meeting for work and sitting in my bathroom trying to feel my body again.
How the heck did I walk into this mess again? Why do I keep trying to make these people happy? Why can't they just leave me alone? How did I get accused of being divisive? Am I this stupid or crazy that I was divisive and I don't know it? Why do I keep trying to make these jerks happy?
I'm crying. My only plans for the holidays are with people from this church. Now? I am shunned.
This is not what Jesus was about or biblical or healthy or ok. Which is why I went somewhere else to a new church. Only to run into this because this crazy church is well known. It is normally seen as healthy. So why is this happening? Why am I obsessing over this? How do I stop?
I don't know I don't know. My therapist thinks this is a whack church and that its not me. I tried to walk away. I did.
Am I a divisive person? How do I not be divisive? I feel so stupid. No one has told me I am divisive before, and maybe I am someone who divides people. I don't know. I am the scapegoat. My therapist says I'm good at getting myself scapegoated. I think I am doing that again.
They told me I am a divisive person. This is the one sin some types of Christians see as the ultimate sin that can not be ever allowed to happen in a church. It is what it is. I'm semi going over the edge about this.
This is what happened:
I went to a new bible study at the church. They told me I could not go because of the "incident" - a matter I posted about before. A matter I thought they finally dropped and were going to move on about. It's been several months. I was told not to go to this new study after I went one time. They said I did nothing wrong at the new study. They can't risk having me there. "But we welcome you to come to services." Like the one this weekend where they said the service is not real check but the small community bible studies are and everyone needs people in their life, not just talks to watch.
So, since I was sick of hypocrisy, I went to a new and very diferent church. I didn't tell anyone at the old church and I didn't talk about the old church to the new ones. But months ago, they had been contacted by the old church. They told me I needed to go back and resolve matters with the old church before attending their church.
Right.
I went back to the old church. I called the senior pastor. I asked what my sin was to exclude me yet again from a new bible study. I didn't mention the new church, as I was too scared to do so. I begged in tears to know. They told me they can not risk incidents. I asked what I had done to cause incidents. What are you talking about? They would not tell me.
The senior pastor told me to go look up a verse. I said, "I have no hope. I can never be good enough for you, can I? There is no way out of this." We kept talking. Well, I kept begging to be told what I did wrong and they would not tell me. He did say they previously did offer me a path to address my unnamed sin, and I asked what it was. He said I didn't do it. I asked what didn't I do. He said he couldn't tell me but I didn't do it.
I asked "would you like evidence to show I did everything you asked of me?"
He said, "No."
I began crying and pacing. I begged for them to tell me what is my sin? What did I do wrong and what is the path to move forward past this? Why doesn't evidence of doing he asked matter? (What he asked me to do was wrong for him to ask but I did it anyhow and they rejected it and decided not to do it.)
He told me to go look up the verse and passive aggressively told me it was nice speaking to me and hung up before I could say anything else.
I looked up the verse.
It says to "warn the divisive person once" and then "have nothing to do with them."
I went into a severe panic. I did the worst thing possible. I called him back and begged to know what I did that was divisive. What can I do to protect unity?
I was shaking with fear and so panicky. All these abandonment alarms were going off and I felt like that 7 year old kid again trying to make my dad happy. I told them "I am being publicly shunned because of this accusation and it's extremely painful, please tell me me how to make it stop. Please."
They said it was clear it was unhelpful to talk to me. "We will talk later, face to face." I hysterically said, "no please stop, I don't want to breathe anymore. I can't take this anymore." They asked where I was and I told them I was walking to a meeting for work. They said they wanted to help me. Kept asking me my location and I asked them to leave me alone, I don't need your help I need you to treat me like a person. They again said "there is clearly no point to asking with you right now, we will meet face to face."
I told them "no, I am sick of this please stop." I told them that ever since "you found out I had PTSD you have treated me like a freak and pathologist everything about me and never treat me like a normal human being and I can't take it anymore. I want to be treated like a human again and no more of this nonsense. If you can't tell me what specific thing I did wrong then leave me alone please. I just can't take this anymore."
I can't feel anything. I couldn't make them happy. I couldn't get away from them. It feels too much like some of my childhood hell.
The police called me, said the church called them and was concerned I was "suicidal or something."
I told them to "please leave me alone, please do not speak to me." I know. Stupid to say and do. I don't know if I should call the police back and tell them how I am doing or what.
I am fighting a storm of suicidal thoughts, but I am not going to act on them. I am not. I don't know why I am sure of that, but I am. I still have the thoughts. I am spinning. I am missing my meeting for work and sitting in my bathroom trying to feel my body again.
How the heck did I walk into this mess again? Why do I keep trying to make these people happy? Why can't they just leave me alone? How did I get accused of being divisive? Am I this stupid or crazy that I was divisive and I don't know it? Why do I keep trying to make these jerks happy?
I'm crying. My only plans for the holidays are with people from this church. Now? I am shunned.
This is not what Jesus was about or biblical or healthy or ok. Which is why I went somewhere else to a new church. Only to run into this because this crazy church is well known. It is normally seen as healthy. So why is this happening? Why am I obsessing over this? How do I stop?
I don't know I don't know. My therapist thinks this is a whack church and that its not me. I tried to walk away. I did.
Am I a divisive person? How do I not be divisive? I feel so stupid. No one has told me I am divisive before, and maybe I am someone who divides people. I don't know. I am the scapegoat. My therapist says I'm good at getting myself scapegoated. I think I am doing that again.
