Stopping Suicidal Actions While Dissociated?

[shimmerz]

Sour or hot candies snap me back into my senses. If this is behaviour based on dissociation, perhaps carrying candies around to 'shock you out of it' wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

[jacx]

Hi,
I was in a similar position about 2 months ago. I only managed to avoid hospitalisation by making a bargain with my T that I'd give my sharp objects & more dangerous prescription meds to a friend for safekeeping. It was incredibly embarrassing and also a great relief.

But yeah, I really scared myself when I "came to" in the middle of counting my pills.

I thought that my flat mate would hate me or be scared of me when I had to ask her to hide my meds from me & only give them back to me one pill at a time. But she was happy to help out. She'd been worried about me for a while but didn't know what to say. So a friend or even acquaintance might surprise you with their willingness to help out - my flat mate and I barely knew each other and it turned out OK.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It happened again last night - I went out with a friend for wine and miscalculated how it would affect me given the prazosin in my system. Came home drunker than I've been for a long time and caught myself in the middle of the action. Only I wasn't just mimimg - I was actually doing it, with thoughts about how I was practicing for the real thing.

I'm safe and sober now. But I'm afraid. I don't feel like a hospital is the right place for me, as it seems overkill, but I'm also not sure I'm always capable of keeping myself safe.

I'm terrified to tell my therapist because I know what will happen. But should I just get over myself and let it happen?

 

[shimmerz]

Drinking = asking for trouble.

 

[Ronin]

I don't feel like a hospital is the right place for me, as it seems overkill

Is a time you take off the most pressing concern in this? If it is, could you find a place for short term / few days stay? Or even an overnight as an emergency case?

Drinking won't help you.

Death is scarier than hospitals or even job loss, even if it doesn't seem that way to you right now. Going in patient may not be what you want at all, but it sounds life saving at the moment, which is what I'd be concerned for far more.

I'm happy you're reaching out to us and to your therapist though, good job on doing that and voicing your concerns and fears. Are there other support people in your life you can contact, or that you can think of contacting?

Noticed you said family and friends are out of option, so thought if there aren't casual acquaintances you considered that might be able to offer differing perspectives, even if not close to you.

 

[joeylittle]

@theshadowoftheliving - no alcohol. Period. You have to buckle down on that. And yes, if you can't hold steady there, you need some kind of supervised environment.

Sweep your home. I know it's annoying. I've done this more than a few times in my life. No blades of any kind - it is actually possible to function, and if you have a specific scenario you don't know how to deal with, ask - I bet I've found a work around.

Keep your meds separated into one day inside, the rest locked in the car.

No pain relievers, no chemicals, no glass, no anything you have ruminated on or experienced, self-harm wise.

More aggressive home grounding. I've written this one before, so sorry to be a broken record - cold shower. Full on full body don't worry about the clothes just get in there cold shower.

Burn off more daily energy. You exercise?

Hope something in this helps.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Drinking is bad and unhelpful. I know that and I've cut down on it an incredible amount in the past year, but maybe taking a break for a bit would be good.

I'm staying with family tonight, so I can't sweep my home yet. But I will, as best as I can. Some of the things I think about aren't removable from my space (I'm not being dramatic here, just one hundred percent realistic) but everything that is will get taken out.

I'll think about a good situation to deal with meds - driving is actually one of the hardest things and when I feel most suicidal, so I think that keeping them in the car wouldn't be a good thing for me. But maybe a locked box? Or something else that will take me more effort to get into, and thus more likely to stop me. The problem last night was that it was just too easy to access the means.

Grounding has to get stepped up. All my flashbacks happen in the shower, so that's maybe not the best idea for me. But I have ice packs in the freezer I use on my face (diver's reflex) and I did use that this morning. I'll think about other strategies too.

I'm cycling a lot these days, in order to avoid driving. At last count, I'm up to almost thirty miles a day on my single speed commuter bike, so I feel like that's the one thing I'm actually doing well.

As long as I feel grounded (like right now) this all makes sense and I'm on board. But then I go through days of feeling hopeless and disconnected and it's like I can't remember any of this anymore, and like a different person made all these decisions for me.

 

[Ocean5]

But maybe a locked box? Or something else that will take me more effort to get into, and thus more likely to stop me. The problem last night was that it was just too easy to access the means..

Maybe this will help. Try putting inside the side zipper pouch of luggage, then lock outside zipper. That way locked, and 2 zippers to get to meds.

 

[shimmerz]

Drinking is bad and unhelpful. I know that and I've cut down on it an incredible amount in the past year, but maybe taking a break for a bit would be good.

I think you may be minimizing this.... that is for you to decide.

The problem last night was that it was just too easy to access the means.

You don't mention the effects of the meds and alcohol here. Why not?

I went out with a friend for wine and miscalculated how it would affect me given the prazosin in my system. Came home drunker than I've been for a long time and caught myself in the middle of the action. Only I wasn't just mimimg - I was actually doing it, with thoughts about how I was practicing for the real thing.

Because this doesn't match the previous post.

You were pretty clear that the drinking affected you and causing you to act upon your idealization. The drinking is one thing that you can stop immediately and most likely (based on what you have posted), get immediate results from. The thing is, if you don't act on this asap, your choices may be taken away from you and someone else will decide how to deal with it. And that may not be a pretty scenario. I am not judging or trying to be mean here, but from what you have posted, that may well the reality of your situation if you don't commit to removing from your life things that are aggravating the problem.

I wish you all the best shadow.... Please keep well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@shimmerz Yes, alcohol contributed. But more and more these things are happening when I'm sober, too, like yesterday morning. So, there's something bigger that I need to solve than just not drinking (although that is surely part of the puzzle, too). That's why I didn't specifically mention the drinking in that response.

I'm actually starting to wonder if I should just stop fighting this on my own and tell my therapist. I know that it will mean commitment, but maybe that's not such a bad idea at this point.

But then, that thought scares me too. I'm so frightened of the ripple effects that would have, and the stigma that would result. But should I just get over myself? I keep thinking about what my therapist last said to me, which was that she believed me that I wanted to live, but didn't want a slight miscalculation to accidentally result in death, because I was too dissociated to react in time. I'm getting worried that I'm getting too close to that line too many times.

 

[shimmerz]

because I was too dissociated to react in time. I'm getting worried that I'm getting too close to that line too many times.

I can't answer this for you, because whatever you do will have an effect on your future. The thing is, bottom line, we all want you to have a future - whatever that may be. Do whatever you need to to ensure that imho.

Some things are too big for us to handle alone. If you feel like that is what this is, then I would suggest you garner whatever support you need.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The thing is, bottom line, we all want you to have a future - whatever that may be. Do whatever you need to to ensure that imho.

Thank you. I need to hear this - I feel invisible most of the time.

I'm trying to decide this line. Maybe it's time to start some research on more intensive programs, and then decide from there.

I'll try to stay grounded and not do anything too stupid in the meantime ....