For what it's worth, in my head you've always been slim, trim, and athletic and still are.)
This made me smile, thank you :)
I'm sure you can ride a horse again. Far as that goes, are there any therapeutic riding programs where you live? They can deal with a wide variety of problems.
Well, at my current weight, there is no barn in my area where I can lesson. It bothers me, because I know how to sit, and I'm not a sack of potatoes as a rider. But I also understand - they don't know that, and I'm huge, and it's not my horse, its theirs. I think a therapeutic program might frustrate me more than help - I don't know. I should think about that more, because it could be something that helps me motivate forward. I love being around them so much. When I had mine, I would just go hang out with him in his stall at night, it always made me feel a little better.
I can see how weight would make it hard and that makes a viscous cycle. What has your T had to say about all this?
He suggests doing a skype session where I can exercise and let myself get upset and then we can work through what's happening to me (I do EFT, and I don't think it works how he thinks it works, but it doesn't matter, because it works). I don't want to do that because...I think because it seems too vulnerable, or exposed, or something.
I hate that I just sound like I won't do things. I'm really not that person.
There is a subset of the population that hates the questions I come up with, and me as a result.
Nope. You ask wonderful questions, period.
Can I ask why you can't do trapeze or horses? I really relate to having that thing that clicks...so the world actually makes sense and it feels like you belong somewhere. I assume there was a real body/kinesthetic connection to trapeze/circus. Are you injured? Can you try new adventures somewhere along the same line? Rock-climbing, aerial yoga? I don't know (but I relate somewhat to the need for feeling like your body is positively connected to something...I felt like my whole self was involved in playing my instrument
I can't do either because of my weight. With horses, there is usually a weight clause and I exceed it. Trapeze, I can't do more because I've lost the ability to hold myself on a bar. The knee injury I had that laid me up would also need to be properly rehabbed before I could hook my knees over. And yes - the connection was a very real thing. It's actually the same as riding was. Both those sports require you to just be fully present. There's so much input happening so quickly, physically, and there's a great deal of fine and gross motor coordination, and there's physical risk as well - which made it impossible for me to think about anything else at all - I could just
be present. No judgement, no analysis - just existing as a physical being experiencing joy. Also, they are skills, and they are progressive - you get better at them, but there's really no end to what there is to learn.
I think martial arts might be the same, in that they are skills, progressive, and physical - but I realize as I'm typing this that what horses and trapeze have in common is that your feet are not on the ground. you are relating to gravity in a whole different way. Aerial yoga, I just think I'm too fat for their weight limits too.
I really identify with your analogy to music. I trained as a pianist, and when I had to stop, it was a physical loss. But I've never recovered from it. I also played horn, and the idea of joining a community orchestra is kind of nice-sounding, except I'm not sure I can play anymore because of the way my jaw has degraded. My hands, my jaw, it's all trauma injury, which doesn't help. I still have my horn though. I could try and take out my mouthpiece and see if I can do anything.
the challenging part is keeping love anyway and finding ways to stay alive or be sort of continually reborn as old or worn out parts die away.
This is beautiful. I've been so inspired with how you've grown in the time I've known you on the board. I know you are still struggling, very much, but for what it's worth, you are also going through your transformation, just as you describe it. It's a fact, that everything we love will be lost. Everything dies. And I have always believed that life is somehow about experiencing that love and that loss. But when there is lots of loss and to little love, it's harder, I guess.
I hope for you a pajama day in your future really soon where you give yourself the treatment and spoil yourself so much and pamper yourself. Cuddle under a soft blanket and watch comedies to help you.
I hope for that too. Tomorrow, almost, is that day.
You are all very, very kind.
