I Am Struggling With Relationships/ptsd

[TonyB]

Hi, I am new here, and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I was raped last year, also last year I was struck by a truck head on, as I crossed the street. In September of this year, I was hit by a drunk driver and was knocked out for nearly 11 hours straight. I had to relearn to walk last year and lost all of my friends dude to not having money and not every place was wheelchair accessible....Life sucks and being poor and in/was in a profession that required me to stand at least 10 hours a day 6 days a week, I ended up broke and with no insurance to cover my bills, life has been really rough on me.

The roughest part is that my ex girlfriend stepped away because of my PTSD we didnt know I had, and after the most recent accident I am now suffering from an even worse case.

I was brought here because now my girlfriend has just stepped off and its because of my PTSD. Can someone, anyone, give me any kind of advice on dating as a man with PTSD....I dont wanna scare anyone away but its what keeps happening. I got no friends and have no one else to help me through any of this. I am completely and people leaving me is just packing on hopelessness and abandonment.....I hate it. please give me some advice.

 

[Ed Norton]

I'm not good with this stuff myself but I have gotten better in some aspects with relationships in general. I think that working on healing with therapy and/or meds is an important part of getting back into relationships. I'm talking to someone now and I admit that I'm terrified and I don't quite know if I should try. I met her months ago and texted then she called. I would be just as grateful for answers as you. I just do casual smashing now.I don't want to be hurt.

As an aside, I hope that healing process starts soon, it won't be easy, from both of those terrible traumas. The therapy is very painful but it helps, at least for me, I'm also from a low income background and in some ways it helps because of free, effective and low or no cost resources. I still have my ups and downs six years on but you can heal..maybe never 'healed' but healing continuously...

I hope that I'm not rambling too much!

 

[TonyB]

I'm not good with this stuff myself but I have gotten better in some aspects with relationships in gen...

That makes a lot of sense. I have been just sleeping around and managing my primal needs as I actually need them, not a player, things are easy, but I miss connection. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years with the same person and now I am alone with this. I met a woman recently and told her, as I do every woman I meet and plan to be intimate with, that I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression and that not dating is a personal choice due to the triggers and symptoms associated with it. She understood and went down her history with her ex, who they dated for almost 4 years, who also struggled with PTSD, but was not in recovery or even know where it developed. So I made a choice that I could isolate myself forever or give it a go. Things were going great until she started taking random trips to her old town to work her old job under the table. Which isnt an issue of course, but its the fact that she continues to say things to me, and never live up to them, or commit. She left at the beginning of november for a work week, came back for a day or two and then left until the start of december. Told me she was gonna be here with me, then literally the next day, said she was leaving until the 30th, and now told me today she wont be back before January 15th and I am just sad as shit. She says shes getting herself together, but its not that, its the constant not living up to her words which weighs heavily on my trust due to the last 3 girls literally just walking out and never saying anything or trying to help.

This may sound messed up, but she tells me that I need to fix myself and no one else can do that, which I get to a fault, and the fault is, if I ended up immobile or paralyzed or an amputee, then is it my job then to fix myself all by myself? Like, I cannot and am not allowed to expect my woman to provide minor care for me, even if its just to let me know she cares or to be present? Its how she is making me feel, and I dont know if I am being selfish or just an asshole...I have no help here, with this or with how I feel. I literally sit in my house all day and night and have no one and do not make any personal relationships because everyone either leaves or doesnt care. This is rambling man and my bad. Assuming my problems are worse than others makes me feel like garbage and that I dont deserve any answers or help. This is rough.

 

[Ed Norton]

Not rambling and not selfish. I didn't see any comparing trauma in your post. In this forum we have a voice and we have a right to express ourselves. You deserve care! I wish I knew more to say.

 

[TonyB]

So simply, am I ready to date if I feel these kinds of ways? Is it me, or is it possible that I am not overreacting to how she is treating me. I mean, none of us asked for this and why is it now solely

Not rambling and not selfish. I didn't see any comparing trauma in your post. In this forum we have a...

You replied, thats more than most people have done in an entire year since my first accident...I appreciate that, hopefully some more people have some more advice. But six years man, I am in for the long haul possibly. Thanks everyone who replies to this with any kind of advice, personal experiences, etc...

 

[Ed Norton]

There's no rules, I would think, in regards to dating. There's never a good time for anything in life really. The old adage of spending so much time waiting for the right time until there's no time left may apply.

Trust me, on this forum, someone much smarter than me will have good stuff to take in. I'm still learning.

The relationship world is quite cruel, though, alas

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Tony,

Welcome to the forum!
I hope you soon feel at home here, supported and loved.
There are many good, traumatized people here, who can understand your pain, grief and isolation.
You're not alone.
:hug:

 

[Glara]

Hi @TonyB and welcome to the forum!

I just commented on Kassidy's post about when my sufferer told me he has PTSD. I think you'll be interested in my response. There's a lot of very good information on this forum about PTSD relationships. You can look at the supporter section, but keep in mind it's a place for supporters to vent as well as learn. Just keep reading and posting, I think you'll gain a lot of insight here.

 

[Newtoptsd]

So simply, am I ready to date if I feel these kinds of ways? Is it me, or is it possible that I am not ove...

Hi Tony,

I appreciate this post is old and my words are probably now invalid but I felt like I had to reply.

I am a new supporter who has been dating someone with PTSD for three months so I'm not sure if I can offer that much valuable advice from your point of view. All I know is and all I can say is from reading your post that it seems like you are ready to make that leap of faith to giving things a go, I think the problem lies in who you are choosing to date.

What it all boils down to is communication, you need to communicate your needs. If this lady cannot be there for you that much due to work commitments then maybe she's not right for you at the moment? As I said this post is very very old but I felt like replying.

Also if you're happy to be in a relationship and fix yourself at the same time then communicate that to her. I know the lovely man I'm dating can't commit to me now or in the near future because he's working on himself in the sense he's getting his life together and is seeking therapy, however I'm still in his life and I'm here and will continue to be here as and when he needs me because I believe in him and us.

I hope you are doing ok right now, feel free to reach out if you want someone to talk to.

x

 

[lil_fighter]

I really like what you said, that you make it clear to women that you are not looking for a relationship and that you telll them the reason why. I would say, don't feel that you have to tell these women about your ptsd, anxiety, depression early on because it is a very personal thing and although yes you have these conditions that affect your day to day life - it does not define you as a person. Also be cautious of those who may choose to take advantage of this. Luckily, not everyone is that cruel that they would but I can talk from personal experience when I say that some people can deliberately or not, take advantage. Of course, this is usually people who don't understand ptsd and are ignorant or lack empathy.

Women who are genuine and kind would really appreciate your honesty and how you are straightfoward about what your intentions are. You really have been through a lot and I hear you when you say that you miss having a connection. I'm sure most of us on this forum can relate to that! :hug: It sounds like you may have felt a connection with the most recent lady but things are a bit uncertain as she doesn't commit to things that she has said. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do and when she told you to 'fix yourself' I don't know if she was trying to do the whole tough love thing but I think it was harsh and also not the best choice of words. Remember that while yes, she was in a relationship with a guy who had ptsd that doesn't mean that she can say such things and be right. With this situation I would say that if your instinct is telling you that things are not fair or right, you are probably right. On the other hand, I also wonder if this lady really knows how you feel about her and if she is aware that you wanted more than just a friends with benefits type relationship? Unless, that is not what you want and I am misreading it :unsure:

Definitely keep posting here, I cannot recommend it enough. It feels so good to talk to other people who actually get where you are coming from. I am sure that talking to others on here will really help :)

 

[Chantelle]

Hi, I am new here, and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I was raped last year, also last year I was...

My boyfriend has PTSD from being raped. From my perspective, if someone walks away from you because of your PTSD then let them (for future reference). If they have given it their best shot but they can't handle it then let them go. Make sure that if you find someone who is willing to be patient and help you, that you also work on it yourself. I know that will be hard but don't give up.

My boyfriend and I are having problems because he refuses to get help. I understand completely but what can I do? Read my recent post to hear the full story.

You will be fine, trust me. I've been with my partner for 4 years and I'm not going anywhere. I love him to pieces and even if our sex life continues to be bad forever I will stay by his side in the hope that one day, even if its his last - he will get help.

I wish you the very best and I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I have truly seen first hand what abuse can do to somebody. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or ashamed and just keep going day by day.

Much love xx

 

[ChelleBelle]

Hi, I am new here, and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I was raped last year, also last year I was...

Hey
I hear what you're saying and I have a really good friend with combat PTSD who struggles with dating. Often choosing wrong women for all the wrong reasons and just recently I told him that...and that sometimes I think he chooses these women because it simplay reaffrims the doubt and negativity he already ahs about himself and dating. He often feels like he would not be good for someone, that when push comes to shove his partner will give up on him as they often have.

My best advice to him is to be honest with the women he meets, even to suggest they do some homework on PTSD and take your time.
He is an amazing man, kind, gentle and so so loving. But he is also scared to death~he was married and upon returning home for a very long tour in Afghanistan was the last man standing at the pick up for spouses and families. She never showed up, had left him for a man he knew.

It's hard, rely on friends and family. Do what feels right and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Cheers
C