What Would You Have Done?

[Bookoffee]

I have been trying to interact with my wife more since this night so I explain myself more but we cant find the same 'safe' level yet.

My therapist gave me home work of stuff that I would like to start doing in life again. I made a list of a dozen things. I started to work on the order I wanted to start when my wife told me to try writing about something else. Give the homework and writing about my past a break.

We started to compare all the different apps we have for helping with writing about something fictional. She had an app that I really liked so I started to search for it to read about it and download.my wife's tone and my tension raised. I tried to calm myself and stop looking for the download on my phone to look at her phone and she was going back and forth about, well if you are not going to pay attention then I wont show you, to, would you calm down you did nothing wrong. everything is ok.

I am a shaking mess and I want to throw up. What is wrong with me?

She mentioned a couple of days ago that my profile picture was too suicidal so I thought I would change it to me walking away from the past with music....turning the dark into light I guess

 

[shimmerz]

@Bookoffee , last year I was staying at my sons house. I smoke and had an ashtray on the front porch. I noticed that there were 2 cigarettes that were not my brand. I freaked. Completely.

The people on the board here grounded me out quite a bit by suggesting different reasons why that anomaly may have existed. They slowed my thinking down a bit. I grounded some so that I could see without the tunnel vision of 'intruder who means me harm' filter.

As it turns out it was the cleaning lady that came in. I am not certain what your trauma was, but your brain may be stuck in a past incident. Or it may not. But you were aware of your surroundings, when you felt like your boundaries were being messed with you got inside and safe. That worked out well.

I wonder if you and your wife could take the dog out next time so you can see if there are further problems. Would your wife be willing to do that with you?

 

[Bookoffee]

Would your wife be willing to do that with you?

No she wont. Our relationship has come down to making her own bedroom in the living room and I have the bedroom part of living. She tells me that we are just together because we finically need each other at this point. She made me a promise that it would be her life mission to make sure I never go homeless again. I cant believe it because she swore to me that she doesn't believe in divorce and would never leave me. As soon as she is at the space she wants to be in life, the divorce papers will be served.

 

[shimmerz]

She tells me that we are just together because we finically need each other at this point.

Is it possible that she is not a 'trustable' person to be telling how you are managing then? I don't think I would want a pissed off spouse determining whether I went into the hospital. That would seem more of a threat than helpful, but that may be my own past filtering through.

The knock on the door at 1 am would freak me out too. It may have been nothing, but it is awfully odd imho.

 

[Bookoffee]

I don't know what to believe or who to trust.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know what to believe or who to trust.

As I recall, you have a fair history of conflict with your wife. I am so sorry, I didn't realize your marriage had come to this. I recall at one time you were getting help through a counselor (or attempting to). Did that come through at all for you? Are you still working?

 

[Bookoffee]

We saw one therapist together for family therapy but she didn't like her and we couldn't afford three therapy co-payments a week. I see a new therapist now for neruofeedback. She comes in and sits with me during the session. Then she has her personal therapist.

I lost my position at my job. I had to file for SSDI

 

[shimmerz]

Then she has her personal therapist.

Does she have PTSD?

 

[Bookoffee]

No. She has chronic depression and a lot of anger issues around her mother

 

[Bookoffee]

I am not sure if I should continue on with this thread or to start another one. I am raw to the bone.

My wife and I were having a conversation about chicken pox vaccines. I explained that I cant remember when it came out because I didn't even knew there was one until I started to date her. She started to talk about chicken pox more and I told her that I was starting to feel invaded.

She didn't understand the feeling I had and asked me what I meant because it could have been 'invasive'

I explained that when I had them, my mother would tell everyone how I had them all through my vagina and how obsess she was of keeping me 'lotioned'

My wife became upset for bringing up the past, how gross and unnatural it is. That my mother was sexually abusing me and she is a disgusting human.

That 'invasive' feeling became overwhelming and I started to cry. I told her this is why we can never have children. I don't know right from wrong. She told me that I would know and to stop over reacting and causing drama.

I know I am! Every time I am reminded of my past, triggered or feel unsafe, I break down!

How would you handle yourself through this?

 

[shimmerz]

@Bookoffee, it seems like you are at home and alone very often. Your wife, for reasons of her own isn't able to support you in the way you need to be right now and you need support. Validation. A way of grounding out.

Is it feasible for you to start a diary? Not necessarily to speak about your trauma, but your current struggles. People here are very supportive and it may help you to get a variety of perspectives that come from a 'trauma knowing' place. Just something for you to consider. I think it may well help you so you can feel connected to those who understand.

 

[Bookoffee]

Yes I do have an online diary here but it is difficult to get feed back from those. I have a few boxes/bags of different half started ones.