Confused About Surreal Encounter With Neighbour

[barefoot]

Thanks @FridayJones
I don't feel that I did good at the moment. I feel like, once again, I Failed to speak up and express what I needed. Sigh...

"Cops a feel" - ha! My therapist used the same expression :-)

 

[barefoot]

@CrowFeather Thanks for your support. I think that's where my confusion is really....yes, I don't think it's acceptable to touch someone like that. It's inappropriate. It's not something I would ever dream of doing to someone. It's bothered me that it happened.

But...I can't see it as an assault. And I don't mean you're wrong to call it that. Just that, it doesn't feel to me like that's what it was. It doesn't feel anywhere near bad enough.

I feel like....she crossed a line and behaved inappropriately and, as a result, I don't want her back in my house. But naming it as anything else feels over the top, to me and that I'm making a bit deal about it. I'm not sure if that's me having things in a healthy perspective. Or whether I'm minimising and excusing someone else's behaviour. But I don't think I am excusing it....I do think she was inappropriate... I think my therapist thought I was making excuses for her. And, actually, in the session, I did make excuses for her and tried to defend what she did and say it must have been an accident etc. My therapist was shaking her head and saying stuff like "Well....I've never just accidentally ended up holding someone's breast while hugging them....have you...?"

I don't know... I got a bit groped, I didn't like it, I need to make sure she doesn't come in the house again.... I guess that's all that matters.

It's been 5 days and she hasn't been back, so I'm hoping this means she feels embarrassed about all the intimate disclosures she made and that she won't be back. Fingers crossed!

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know... I got a bit groped, I didn't like it, I need to make sure she doesn't come in the house again.... I guess that's all that matters.

That's a pretty clear point of view.

Just a different take on how to handle it: getting into it with her about how her behaviour was inappropriate, that's something you do if it's a relationship you actually care about enough to want to fix.

For an acquaintance? I'd simply say, "I have a lot of things going on right now, and no, I don't have any time to talk or have guests. Thank you for understanding."

It's true: the things you have going on involve the fact that you have a neighbor who groped you, and it's given you this whole level of uncomfortable experience to process.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - you don't need to spend one more ounce of energy on this person, except to direct them elsewhere.

 

[Poofycat]

It's sounds to me like your neighbor is a closeted lesbian who is maybe just realizing she's not happy being married to a man. But her 'stuff' has nothing to do with you, and it should remain that way unless you invite her to share more.

If you feel uncomfortable completely shutting her down if/when she comes to your door again, maybe say something like "It sounds like you're having a really hard time right now, and I'm afraid it's something I can't help you with." then refer her to a community mental health provider.

The boob grab is totally assault btw.

 

[barefoot]

you don't need to spend one more ounce of energy on this person, except to direct them elsewhere.

Yes, this is where I'm at with this now... It's now been over a week and she hasn't been round, so I'm feeling hopeful that we're out of the woods and that she won't be popping over.

My partner said if she comes over during an evening/ weekend, my partner will go to the door, not let her in and politely but firmly tell her that we don't want to get involved because we feel uncomfortable about it with the pair of them living next door. So, that's felt like quite a relief.

Her presence had felt very strong in the house since she came over but it that is starting to feel better - I've been burning lots of nice scented stuff to try to get it to feel different and that seems to be working.

The more difficult thing....as well as feeling her in the house, I've had a really strong sense of still feeling her on me...like I can't get her off me, physically...I can't really explain it in a better way than that and I know it doesn't really make sense... Last week, I was having lots of baths and showers every day. Each time, it helped in the short term but then the feeling came back, so I needed to have another one. I think I might have been doing it a bit excessively so I made myself not do it so often over the weekend as I didn't want my partner to think I was being weird.

So...I'm feeling a lot less anxious about her potentially coming round now. But now I'm worried that I'm getting fixated on the physical sensation of her...it's the grip of the hug, the physical pressure of how hard she was holding on, the feeling that I couldn't get out of her grip, the smell of her (cigarettes) that seems to be stuck in my nose. I need to stop thinking about it!

Any ideas of how to "get her off me"?? I feel so "ugh!" About it. Like the feel of her on my body was/is just so disgusting.

 

[sun seeker]

Any ideas of how to "get her off me"?? I feel so "ugh!" About it. Like the feel of her on my body was/is just so disgusting.

Smudging with sage? Don't know if you can get that there but it's the first thing that comes to mind for getting rid of unwanted energy.

Also salt water. It absorbs negative energy. Just put bowls of it around the house and change it every few days.

Visualization... What does her energy look like or feel like to you? See it all draining off you into the earth. Do this outside if you can.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the ideas, @sun seeker - I've never heard of smudging, so will look that up.

Spoke to my therapist about it yesterday. She asked whether there was anywhere in particular I could feel her ie any particular part of my body or somewhere around me... I knew pretty much straight away that it was up round my chest and shoulders but, for some reason, I found it so difficult to tell her that. When I finally did, she asked more about exactly where and how it felt and then I just got spacey and within a couple of minutes I'd started to dissociate.

So that was that really...sigh...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please do not allow this woman back into your home or talk to her casually outside ever again.

I had a different problem with a neighbor and I just ignored her and did not acknowledge her in any way and she soon learned that I was not interested at all.

Keep your door locked when you are home alone. Do not answer it if it is her. One time I had a person bang on my front window. So we put a lock on our gate and that solved that problem.

I so get the freeze response but this person violated your personal space so bad. The lesson she learned is that she got away with it.

She sounds like she does not acknowledge boundaries at all.

This gives me the yucky feelings and creeped out feelings.\

You did the best you could at the time because she caught you off guard. It was an assault in my opinion. Mabe she is embarrassed a what she said and did. I hope that they move away so you can enjoy the safe place of your own home. Just my opinion.

 

[barefoot]

The lesson she learned is that she got away with it.

Yeah....this is what my therapist said when I first told her...

This gives me the yucky feelings and creeped out feelings.\

Me too ;-) I'm trying to get rid of them but it's like her physical presence is clinging on to me.

You did the best you could at the time because she caught you off guard.

Thanks. Yes...I think this is true, even though I keep thinking about what I should have done differently.

I definitely won't be letting her in the house again.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to bring this thread back to life...I think I just need to put this somewhere...

So, I haven't seen my neighbour since she came round on New Year's Day. She didn't come round again and neither my partner or I have bumped into her. I've bumped into her husband a couple of times, which was fine - no idea if she told him about coming round here before or not. They are both still living next door....no estate agent sign has gone up, so I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) that they are staying put for now at least.

About an hour ago, there was a knock at the front door. My partner went to answer it, then shot back into the room and shut the door, looking really stressed. It was our neighbour. She had been standing with her back to the front door, so hadn't seen my partner through the window, so my partner made a speedy retreat and we pretended we weren't at home.

Now:

- My heart has been racing ever since. I'm feeling really anxious... I need to calm down :-(
- I'm pissed off that I've barely given my neighbour a thought for weeks and, even when I did think about her, I'd got to the point of feeling confident that she wasn't going to come round again. And now she has :-(
- My partner keeps apologising to me because she didn't go to the door and tell my neighbour that we don't want to get involved, which is what she originally told me she'd do to reassure me that I didn't have to worry about her coming round. I've told her she doesn't need to apologise - that I completely get that she was caught on the hop and decided to avoid her instead of confronting her. But...I suppose there is a small part of me that feels like she didn't do what she originally kept insisting she'd do. It feels like she said it to make me feel better and I chose to believe it, even though I wasn't convinced at the time that she would be bold enough to confront our neighbour. But if I chose to believe it and it did make me feel better/more reassured, I suppose that's ok...

Sigh...I know this isn't a big deal...I know that nothing's happened...of course, it's even possible that she was coming round to tell us she's moving out!

Ugh...I just wish I didn't get into a spin about this...I want to be able to manage my response better but don't know where to start :-(