Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[ms spock]

The REALLY BAD cult stuff was fed to me slowly at age 9 but took off when my dad left at age 12. Formative yrs are pretty much done at age 7, so why do i have such a hard time attaching or connecting to someone without sex involved? I dont even want to with the person, its just automatic; what im supposed to do sort of thing.

You were conditioned to give yourself away, Laurence Heller talks about that on his youtube talk. You were socialised and conditioned to have sex as a thing to do, as a way to be present in the world.

Much care for you today @lostforgottensoul!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Formative years don't stop at 7.

"A child's most formative years are their youngest — from birth to age 5.

About 90 percent of a child's brain develops in that time, according to studies. And 85 percent of a child's intellect, personality and social skills are developed by that age."

"GEORGE TOWN: The first five years of a child’s life often called the formative years, are absolutely critical for the development, performance and success of the child throughout his life, said Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor."

There are others if you google "formative years" most state ages 0-5, some state 0-7, ive not seen a site that state formative yrs after 7. Yes a person can be reparented as a person be be re anything, re-programed in my case but formatice yrs talks about the yea in which the brain grows, the personality develops etc.

 

[Chava]

@Jemini and @lostforgottensoul , yes all of childhood is "formative" and abuse at any time is destructive to the young growing self. But this is not the same as the topic of attachment issues, attachment trauma, attachment disorders...these specifically relate to the first months and first 1-2 years of life (most destructive if lasting through first 14/5 years because these ARE more formative than the later years, simply put the brain is nearly fully developed in early childhood). That's all. Later traumas are traumas and have devastating effects. It's just not what the thread is about. It's about attachment. This happens only in the very beginning of life. Yes, there are some corrective options. But you either had an okay attachment at 6 months of age or you didn't, that's what this is about. Not trauma at age 6+, that has different effects, though horrible. Nobody is saying that doesn't matter.

It's just that this is a thread about "attachment" (earliest years...pretty specific consequences)...just throwing that out there so it doesn't become a thread about all childhood trauma (hundreds of other posts we could read or start about that). I could list mine too. But I'm working on the attachment stuff because I was born very sick and born to a sick mother. This just happens to affect me differently (and worse) than the assaults in my teenage years. It's because my brain wasn't even developed...it developed in response to this sick connection.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You were conditioned to give yourself away, Laurence Heller talks about that on his youtube talk. You were socialised and conditioned to have sex as a thing to do, as a way to be present in the world.

That i was but i dont remeber sex before age 6 or 7, his bible and porn was shown to me at 9m..but i dont remember anything bad happening drom 0 - 5 so why such an attachment issue? If its only within formative yrs (0 -5) then why do i have that issue?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Jemini and @lostforgottensoul , yes all of childhood is "formative...

Though i have possible atrachment disorder per my therapist but i dont remeber anything 0 - 5 and i only attach or connect with people via sex, thus why possible atrachment disorder

 

[Chava]

Though i have possible atrachment disorder per my therapist but i dont remeber anything 0 - 5 and i only attach or connect with people via sex, this why possible atrachment disorder

Yes, possible. But you talk a lot about everything from all ages. I know it's murky and muddled with complex trauma. Read up more on attachment disorders and you might see if there are other ways you connect with those symptoms besides the sex part. It's a pretty wide-ranging set of consequences. Could be you had no close connections early on and then the only way you learned how to connect was through sex. So attachment issues plus compiled complex trauma. But people who are interested in attachment issues generally recognize it in themselves. If you aren't sure, just ask your therapist more about it. Or don't worry about that part for now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But people who are interested in attachment issues generally recognize it in themselves.

I do recognize it in myself; ive always known that my brain perceives connection with people is to have sex with them, especially authority figures or people trying to help.

My first response, was answering what is attachment disorder and i answered it via my therapist's very good discription. Not sure how the sex stuff sparked up in here but if you read my very first response, you'll see i agree with you per how i define it and referenced the documentry then move that can be found on youtube called "Child of Rage"

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I stand corrected, you both are right. I was more meaning to say that we never stop growing. But yes attachment and such things are very strongly wired in those years and "formative" has a definition.

 

[ms spock]

That i was but i dont remeber sex before age 6 or 7, his bible and porn was shown to me at 9m..but i dont remember anything bad happening drom 0 - 5 so why such an attachment issue? If its only within formative yrs (0 -5) then why do i have that issue?

You are being a bit too literal, about it all, and I am concerned about how much to say, but you have asked so here it goes.

Thinking of it as it is - and the narrative is a rather sad one - you were groomed for a cult - if your parents hadn't been grooming you in certain ways - between 0-5 - if your parents hadn't been grooming you in certain ways then they wouldn't have meshed with the cult. So there was the developmental stuff there - you don't go from a completely safe and stable home with loving, attuned and attentive parents to a cult - both your parents were the type of parents that took you to a cult and they both as you say it "had sex with you" - your father was gentle about having sex with you and your mother - well you hated having sex with her - so they were most likely either doing that or priming and grooming you to that from the day you were born.

Both your parents sexually abused you - so they weren't there for you when you were small - you were always used by them to meet their own narcissistic needs.

I can completely understand why you have the attachment issues and feel compelled to attach through sex - because that was what you were made to do from a very young age.

And people don't remember 0-5 maybe a few memories close to 5 but not a lot - but if you look at the context of your life and how it worked and what your parents did to you later - well it is completely understandable.

There is nothing wrong with you or the ways you adapted - it is the ways you survived. You are looking for an answer that isn't there.

All that you deal with now are the emotional/attachment problems that are the scars of what your parents did to you.

I am very sorry to think about what you lived through.

Remember too, that these theories of attachment are theories, it is not a one size fits all, and it is not a rigid thing that every child hits this developmental phase at age 3 - that is just an unhelpful and unrealistic way of thinking about it - some children might not hit a developmental phase until age 7 that some children hit at age 5. I have not gone through a lot of developmental stages despite being an adult. These theories are updated as more research is done. It is an arbitrary number given for the purposes of discussion and can't be applied in the generic way that you are applying it. If you miss out on some developmental stuff then other stuff may not come into play. I missed out on attachment very young - so I will always be playing catch up - and then the traumas are on top of that.

If you missed out on attachment then there are a whole lot of other issues that come into play.

And there is a huge amount that I don't know. I am still just learning about this stuff. There are many others on the forum that know much more than I do.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

regarding the sexual thoughts...look into the descriptions of intrusive thoughts.
They are an OCD feature. They are involuntary.

Sorry that i missed this. I never thought of having any form of OCD. Somethings, like cutting are something i have to do to make the urge go away, like addiction; theae thoughts, im still trying to figure out.

My therapist has never brought up OCD as other than these thoughts, i have no other OCD like behaviors or thoughts.

I dunno, something to think about but due to these thoughts, my therapist had said possible atrachment disorder as i dont know how to correctly attach or connect with people. I can see the ones that come out of the vlue maybe OCD underlining but my therapist says its how my brain tries to feel safe. I dunno :confused:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

both your parents were the type of parents that took you to a cult and they both as you say it "had sex with you - your father was gentle about having sex with you

My step father.

Its ok, most get the two confused because i dont use names on here. My step dad came into the picture when i was 6 or 7; my mom started an affair with him when i was 6 or 7 which i think is why most get it confused; my dad didnt leave my mom until i was 12. My dad being the physically & emotionally absent & phsycially, emtionally, verbally, & mentally abusive (never sexual but still) as he was had me, as a 7 yr old, spying on my mom and i was to report back to him. I didnt have to spy, i was part of it eventually, but what dad would ask his daughter, let alone a 7 yr old, to spy on her adultress mother?

Anyway, only wanted to correct ya cuz my dad whom is now 74 and my step mom now live with me and most think in still being abused and though my dad has become verbally and emotionally abusive again, he-s not the sexual abuser cult freaks my step dad and mom were.

I can see the rest of it as even when i dont remember, my dad's youngest brother told me that my mom was always screaming at us, she's an alcoholic, and my dad has always been absent out of my life. He'd take my brother places and i remember standing there thinking "why cant i go anywhere?" My dad had no clue that i love pool and very good at it and that i like fishing. Well you wouldnt know if you dont ask. We went to a pool hall once but my step mom sorta screwed that up and since i found out he doesnt really believe me, i havent wanted to do anything with him.

 

[ms spock]

But see, this is so f*cking frustrating to me. While typing about age 6 or 7, the man that later became my step dad, whom had sex with me in the back of a van at my mom's job; my body automatically becomes aroused and I HATE THAT! It frustrates me, makes me sick and mad at myself....hate myself even more and its why i cant write details from start to finish about my past. I mean who gets aroused while thinking about their abuse as a child

Heaps and heaps of people.

Bodies are bodies - when they are stimulated in a sexual manner - then there is arousal.

When I did a group with other women that were sexually abused as children - well there were lots of different experiences but there was arousal attached to the sexual abuse - it is pretty commonly known about stuff. You will find that out as you go along.