Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[Deleted member 20978]

My parents separated when I was one. My father had me some weekends. When I was 6-7, my mother went through a period of threatening suicide whenever she would get stressed, and telling me "some mothers do" and similar statements. I don't have earlier memories so that's around my earliest memories. She also moved me around so often I went to 9 schools by the end of high school. My dad was undiagnosed Asperger's, which I experienced him as the safe parent but very distant.

I have known I've had an attachment disorder since I was around 20, doing my own research, but have never had any specific sort of therapy around this. Mom was less borderline after my early childhood but would often yell at me and tell me her life was my fault.

I never learned very well how to be ... in groups. I had a lot of friends at times but was always filled with shame. I am sorry I guess people here think badly of me for perceived drama. I really struggle and a lot of the triggers I've bene having since coming to the site are around paranoia that I'm going to be bullied. I'm crying like crazy right now because it's so hard to write this. I'm not a bad person.

@Chava you said some things even a you exited drama that I never knew and makes me very sad because I see how much I don't know how to work through these issues now. I'm 43 and had extreme trauma at age 40, which I now see how insecure attachment was indeed a weakness that snowballed these new traumas and hindered my ability to have enough supports. I now live alone and my only family is mom who has dementia and her cousin 1000 miles from me who has started talking to me on the phone.

I don't know what to ask but just wanted to explain why I am here. I apologize truly for contributing to drama. All sorts of triggers for me. I spend a lot of time trying to be engaged and friendly, and I know I have some social skills but also feel very much that there is developmental stuff I need to somehow sort out on my own.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Actually it's also fear of abandonment. Which here means a fear of being banned for being seen as doing something wrong. I'm very paranoid about seeming to do something wrong so I got really defensive trying to explain how I had been trying to help.

I am aware right now with lots of tears of feeling some ambiguous age that's younger than I am. I'm not DID but it's really difficult to share this stuff. Thank you for reading.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Actually it's also fear of abandonment. Which here means a fear of being banned for being seen as doing something wrong. I

Join the club.

I know you wanted me to leave tou alone but i had to say that and i think both of your replies and askibg me to leave you alone and EXACTLY why i got as triggered as i did, abandonment issues, leave them before they leave you.

Im driving hime and will leave you alone if tou want BUT if you want to talk i'll be home about 20ish mins.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Touche lostsoul. I know I wanted to be on the thread before but I couldn't. I knew we were having more similar internal reactions than apparent.

I'm scared of you but I don't mean that in a hostile way. Your actions have made me very distrustful but I kept engaging because I could see maybe driven by fear not malice. But what I grew up with felt like a lot of malice. I didn't see how I was pushing your fear further because I was scared and escalated. I'm pretty wobbly tonight so going to try to be calmer. No one wants to engage with me now I think because they maybe see me as a bully. But I've had so many different perceptions and been wrong so much lately that I don't know. When I say scared I just mean we have triggered each other a lot and no one wants that.

FWIW one thing that kept me engaged more than was wise was I saw you pushing for justice above seeing you lashing out. I didn't want to walk away leaving it that you felt attacked and in engaging you I had the wrong impact.

I guess we have each other on ignore. Partly why this mattered too, I wanted to join the thread when you reached out in distress, and I never got a chance to post my own thing. I am sorry for blaming you for that, is the result of I said I was thinking over things you had said. I do agree with many things people said but I apologize for adding to the blame game.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But what I grew up with felt like a lot of malice.

Theres not a malious bone in my body and i know actions show that but its a mental health site so the only way on here to show you is to see how many times i try my hardest to help someone, including my first reply in this thread.

If anything, i do more than i should for people; for instance (and the worst boundries issue on the planet but i had good intentions), a family member (nephew's wife) called out of the blue after not speaking to me for a very long time, asked if i would roommate with their newly (a week) clean herion addict sister and her boyfriend. Within a few months one of their friends moved in, rent free, and my house turned into a crack house selling crack, coke, pain meds, xanax and who knows what else. 3 yrs later i finally get them out, a grand behind in rent (so let them slide more then they paid) my pain meds were stolen 3 times & each time gave them chances, found needles and still let them stay, it wasnt until a baggy was left in my kitchen sink did i say they had to go but still i helped them, her boyfriend phsycially threatened me, then appologized, i still helped them; drove them countless of miles rent free, paid a month in a hotel, let one stay with me for weeks when they got in legal trouble, and it wasnt until she obviously shot up in my bathroom with my step mom there alone while i was at work did i hit my bottom.

I do nothing out of malious intent. I get triggered by abandonment issues as you do (i think) and mostly by saying "you did this or that wrong" or saying im in any way "bad" and anything that i can even missunderstand as "you are bad" intentions and i own those triggers.

I guess we have each other on ignore. Partly why this mattered too, I wanted to join the thread when you reached out in distress, and I never got a chance to post my own thing.

I am sorry for blaming you for that, is the result of I said I was thinking over things you had said. I do agree with many things people said but I apologize for adding to the blame game.

I dont have you on ignore. I only ignored one person, for now.

But if im conversing (aka rambling) i do that, A LOT, just post or say you need to stop the conversation and post or tell me to hush, i dont take offense to that, i know i ramble...my dad does more, so at least i get it honestly.

Look, my point is, which is something i learned last night, dont run when afraid, face it head on. Yes i lash out from fear or being triggered the "you are bad" automatic thoughts and i think im lashing out at others but really fighting myself but for me to figure out. And if you're triggered, make it known and ask for those that are making you trigger to back off. Ive made a few trigger on here, appologized and backed off and thats why i gave you the option of talking to me or not, and its still your desicion. Just as i need support here, so do you.

And by the way, no one sees you as a bully; or at least i dont, at all.

And i also appologize for triggering you.

"Your move chief" ~ Robin Williams (R.I.P) from one of my favorite movies Good Will Hunting.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Yeah...

Well I -- hmm. The GWH reference throws me off. I am not reading anything as ill intent and am grateful we're able to clear the air a bit. I likewise apologize for triggering you and you know, I was one of those saying I did not want you to leave the site, because I know you need the support too.

I guess the reality is, people with some confusion about boundaries (like both of us) are not ideally suited to converse about not having solid boundaries. Like, I'd prefer we keep any future exchanges public and that's nothing at all against any private exchange but just, feels safer.

The other thing that I have struggled with your posting (thanks for adding whitespace btw, I can't do the big blocks) is just there is so much information and a lot is foreign to my experience so trying to keep up is difficult. That's not a criticism just saying I think that was where some people us included got heated. If I'm reading threads, I can definitely ramble too, not great at editing lately, but I like when the flow is giving equal time and letting people in. In part just because I do ramble too, and when people are popping in I feel better that I'm not doing that myself.

Anyway I don't have much to say. My super dark sense of humor that I can pull out when not triggered thinks it sort of funny that right now no one is responding to either of us. So I wanted to make my post. It was really hard to write for me, just needed to write it in public. I cried heavily when posting and now feel sort of stupid as I don't intuit I'm gonna get any responses. But practice sharing it maybe.

 

[Chava]

I don't know what to ask but just wanted to explain why I am here. I apologize truly for contributing to drama. All sorts of triggers for me.

It didn't feel like much drama to me, personally. If it feels intense, it's good to know to step back. I don't get roped into online connections too thickly (or any connections anywhere, for that matter :alien:), but I really value that people on this site understand where I'm coming from with some of my issues and can offer ideas when I start a thread seeking ideas (not often, but it's helpful). It's helpful for all of us to understand our triggers (without necessarily blaming others for triggering us...just doesn't seem to work well).

Anyway, this is sort of off on a tangent again. But I won't...go there. Personally I'm not triggered. But probably I like order, in some ways, more than others. Can I ask people to offer me that? Probably not. :rolleyes::D I need to find a forum that can cater to my quiet, logical inner task master. Kidding.

I know nothing of messaging, but seems like you're just trying to take perspective and find the right words and be helpful.

Anyway, speaking off attachment again, yes, that compounds later trauma. Research has even figured that one out...PTSD more likely to occur where there is existing insecure attachment (or attachment disorder or other early trauma). Not everyone develops PTSD or wants to kill themselves because they get raped. And rape is traumatic. But the ability to recover from a trauma, vs go on to develop PTSD is far more likely if you grew up connected, safe, and supported. My nervous system was on the edge of collapse before I was even assaulted (or before I was able to walk).

After several hospitalizations (suicide attempts and anorexia) and rehab for addiction I had some okay years, and then seemed to drop into a different level of hell after more recent stress (not even criterion "A" trauma stress, but more than I could manage...became a real physical collapse because I express it all through my body).

But at this stage in the game I feel like I'm pretty healthy (aside from pain), and have done some good work in therapy, but am still baffled by my avoidance of relationships. It's hard to undo this because I've learned to "connect" in some alternative ways and I don't feel good about reaching out to others, and don't even feel very good getting support (feels weird).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The GWH reference throws me off.

Basically my way of saying im letting you converse or not and not than fine i'll leave you alone.

The rest im not gonna quote as i have said this more times than id like to count. I talk, a lot. The issue here was more about a co versafion and i got blamed as i am the one that talks more. But thats me. If people dont like it they can block me. Im sorry but i am not changing my entire personality and how i speak for a website and to make the people on it happy, nor should i. I wouldnt ask any one else to and DIARIES DO NOT HELP ME OR I WOULD HAVE STARTED ONE so please no one advise that again.

I'll just leave you alone @Jemini. I tried, i tried to be as helpful and supportive as i can, i've reached out when i didnt have to, ive appologized but im being asked to not share so much of my story and dont do this and do more of that. What the f*ck for? So that all of you can be happy but so that i dont the full benefit from this site? Because my "ramblings" and the back and forth conversation IS THE ONLY REASON i took the BIGGEST STEP I HAVE EVER TAKEN in therapy.

Im a bit annoyed that i keep getting asked to change the entire way i converse on this site that helps ME, which is only reason im here. Sorry if annoys all of you but it helps ME and ME is all i care to help at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Chava do you know of therapies that can help adults with attachment disorders? Or are we all just gonna keep bouncing around trying to parent ourselves or what?

I have definitely felt better -- WAYYYY better -- those times in my life when I had a social circle and an SO. The problem seems to be in forming connections that not only stand the test of time, but fit into some actual community. Or no, I don't know that that's the problem. I guess I'm not sure what it would look like at this point to become someone with more normal attachments.

What's stupid too is I actually did study this stuff, and was paying attention. At the time I had no clue just how much lower I would eventually fall in terms of feeling connected. And that's part of my uncertainty about it all is that I do seem to be able to make connections of sorts. I don't think I'm coherent in my questions because I can't wrap my head around the size of the problem.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Hmm. Interesting just noting something in my own post.

 

[Chava]

Chava do you know of therapies that can help adults with attachment disorders?

I wouldn't really know the answer to this, but I assume there isn't one perfect answer (why I haven't come across that info myself). It probably depends on what form that attachment disorder (or similar symptoms) takes. I think for many of us here, it's obviously some kind of complex trauma (we have PTSD plus if we're following this particular thread, we also relate to attachment problems).

So while I don't know of one perfect treatment, it seems like the best general route would be finding a therapist who understands complex and childhood trauma, and also one you feel like you can trust just enough to work on a good connection. there is room for corrective experience, to some extent, as well as learning more about your deeper attachment and relational patterns. I am super low on relationship issues/problems because I'm so majorly avoidant and wrapped in a bubble, but I have gone through quitting and un-quitting therapy because I was sure my therapist was going to dump me, or I was humiliated by the thought of being too much for her, like a burden...still feel that way sometimes though.

Anyway, for me the good understanding of complex trauma, as well as attachment, is important. And not so cognitive-focused, though for some people that's important.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Chava thanks. I actually have such a reference but have never called it. Am about to be on medicare which actually expands my options from old health insurance.

I'm in the bubble too. So is basically everyone I know. That's half the problem right there.

Really appreciate your responses.