Childhood What Do I Do With This New Odd Feeling?

[lostforgottensoul]

So as some know, ive recently had movement after being stuck for a year or more in therapy. Again; so that you understand; if you havent already (eventually everyone is gonna know everything about me lol), if you havent read my introduction, its here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/

So, throughout several postings, ive made a huge crack in the self anger/rage & hatred at myself that covered all other emotions and now when i re-read the Starting of Greieving little me thread and my intro, i feel pain...pain is new; ive never felt pain about my past before; BUT its still a very intangled web of emotions and though my therapist says its loosened up a lot; i dont know what to do with it.

My therapist said post here more. I had some words, some feelings i could put into words Thursday night but of course the site was down and i went panicking instead of writing it down; and now...they are gone.

What do i do with it? How do i investigate this new odd feeling but still go slow as if i go too fast i start to tailspin and go off at work and i cant do that.

What would you do? Or what did you do? Just looking for suggestions as to how to keep moving foward and not get stuck again and take steps like i took recently. But again, its gotta be slow enough to not send me tailspinning but not so slow that i get frustrated with myself.

Many many suggestions, anything, are welcomed...as thats how i was able to take the huge step i did recently.

 

[Be Braver]

Truthfully I find that when I just ramble on about something, I learn something new and it sort of clicks. It my just be me, but when I explore new emotions I try to not make it so structured and thinky. When I spend time trying to sort things out I get myself into a bigger mess. But when I'm able to express myself by just talking out loud either to a friend or by myself in the shower or something I'll talk unfiltered, without thinking about if things sound right to even make sense. When I do that I find I'm able to process and explain things better then if I actually tried to think things through.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Truthfully I find that when I just ramble on about something, I learn something new and it sort of cli...

That makes sense cuz my big step happened in the how do i.. (grieve little me) thread and talking and replying and talking made it click.

Problem is, i have no idea how to put these feelings into words, let alone ponder it. And even though its just a teenie tiny edge of the full weight of my past, its almost too much and i just want to run, to numb. I havent done that but i dont know how to force myself to just let it be there or ponder it or even express it...

 

[Friday]

What do i do with it? How do i investigate this new odd feeling but still go slow as if i go too fast i start to tailspin and go off at work and i cant do that.

What would you do? Or what did you do?.

Practice.

Learn my limits, mostly by blowing past them, then once I've got them clearly defined? Start pushing at them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

once I've got them clearly defined? Start pushing at them.

Define what though? I know its pain, i know it hurts but i also know its still an intangled jumbled ball of emotions still.

Basically how to i push at something that i cant seem to completely define or is still a ball of emotions; loossened but still balled up?

 

[jaccat]

I write. Not here, I get a piece of paper, a notebook, whatever, and I just start writing. Doesn't matter what I write, just whatever comes into my head. If I recognise a feeling I put it down, I write around it, I write the images that come into my head. If I can't even get that out, and I get that sometimes the words jut aren't there, I draw a picture. When I can't even do that I just put the pen to the paper and put down whatever comes out. Sometimes it's just a giant scribble. But as long as it's getting whatever's stuck out of me it doesn't seem to matter what form it takes. Doing it normally gives my head time to sort through whatever it's trying to tell me. I can't count number of times it has led to a realisation or resolution of some sort.

I know it's not the sort of thing everyone gets, but it might help.

 

[barefoot]

I'm the same as @jaccat - I write. Posting here nearly always moves my thinking/understanding on in some way but I also journal a lot.

A nice notebook, my favourite pen, writing for my eyes only....doesn't matter what I write, how I write, what intention I have when I write....it's just pen to paper and see what comes up. Again, the exploration nearly always brings up something new or surprising or makes me think about something in a new way. I find it calming. And it sometimes brings up things I want to explore more with my therapist.

Doesn't matter if you don't know what to write or don't know how you feel or don't know why you're writing....there are no rules, it's just about what comes up. And, if it gets too much - put your pen down, close your book, get up and do something else instead.

Writing isn't for everyone but if it clicks with you, writing can be a really valuable, powerful, profound tool.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@jaccat and @barefoot, thank you both for your responses!

I may have to come back and read this in a bit after being told i hyjacked a thread when all i did was reply to people that were replying to me and it turned into a conversation; has completely triggered me and now im not only not feeling safe here anymore; im not feeling safe in general. For a mental health site, im suprised at times from what some say to others. So now that the wall is back up, not sure if anything will come out.

But your suggestions arent for not. I do write at times, mostly poems and as an artist, im trying to get back into drawing. What i am struggling with is how to put it into words; here or on paper. Not sure how to investigate this, figure it out, move foward if i cant put what i am newly and oddly feeling into words. I guess thats sorta what i was asking. How fo figure out how to put a new and odd feeling into words as my therapist told me to keep posting here (which may not happen for a while now) but if or when it does, i have no clue how to create words for this feeling.

How did some of you find the words for new and seeming odd feelings? As for me, i sit staring at a blank white screen or paper.

 

[katz]

So as some know, ive recently had movement after being stuck for a year or more in therapy. A...

I like to color, or just sit and crochet. It gives my mind a chance to rest. Kind of like...think about nothing. I have been amazed how soothing this can be for me. It's even better if I do it with no one around.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I like to color, or just sit and crochet

I tried to learn to crochet and Im horrible at it. I leaned how to do a normal chain but could never keep it consistant, some tighter and some super loose.

And then i tried to go in a circle to make a coaster like thing and it wouldnt lay flat and ended up making something like a finger warmer lol.

Yeah, Im not a crocheter.

The adult coloring book seems so weird because im used to shading and adding hilighlights; not just putting flat color. But it is distracting for a bit. It doesnt hold my attention for hrs or anything but for a bit it does so its cool.

 

[barefoot]

How did some of you find the words for new and seeming odd feelings? As for me, i sit staring at a blank white screen or paper.

It may be that you don't have the words for some things just now...maybe you could draw/doodle, stick a headline or image from a magazine in? Journalling doesn't have to only involve written word.

I'd also suggest taking pressure off yourself in terms of having to find the "right" word etc. There's no right or wrong way to journal.

And if you're suffering blank page/writer's block, perhaps just start by writing something like "Not sure what I want to say, but I wanted to start writing to see what (if anything) comes up about these new feelings I've been experiencing. So, here I am..." and then just complete the sentence and free write - perhaps just for a page or for a time limit (3 minutes or something - something that feels manageable not overwhelming). You can also buy books with journaling prompts - there are probably some to be found online for free too. I don't ever use them, but they maybe helpful to get you started.

Perhaps find a picture/postcard/photo that resonates with how you feel even if you can't put language around it. Then start writing, exploring that image - why you chose it, what draws you to it, what connection you feel to it etc. But no pressure to name things if you can't just yet.

If the blank page/writer's block is a consistent thing that causes you more stress though, it may be that journalling isn't the tool for you ;-)

 

[katz]

I tried to learn to crochet and Im horrible at it. I leaned how to do a normal chain but cou...

If you like shading, then just use a single color.
I did a picture of Sherlock Holmes--I love him and I'm a collector of his stuff. I did it in a grey--like charcoal, I really don't care that it is not the best. But it was fun. Why don't you just do a "picture of color"--like a meadow of flowers? Then there is no right or wrong and no lines to follow.

You might get lost in the beauty of your work. Flowers come in all shapes and shades of different colors. (Remember the song by Harry Chapin "Flower are red".)

Just an idea.

FYI : When the circle starts getting smaller, due to the stitches getting tighter--just add some stitches. Maybe two per stitch, every other stitch. Just remember that there is no right or wrong. Just the experience of doing it.. Some times all I crochet is a square. No pattern, no fancy stitches. I use the stitch that I'm the most comfortable with. Then I just give away the "dish wrag to anyone nearby. They usually love them! (For a dish wrag, use the yarn called "Sugar n Spice". Inexpensive and easy to find, and lots of color to choose from. Also, a good texture for dish wrags.

I always take my crochet bag with me to my in-laws house. Then I don't have to look at anyone if I don't want to, and can still be part of the conversation when I feel comfortable too.