Medical Botched Circumcision

[Anarchy]

Big hugs! And you are hugely brave to be describing it here.

Please take as long as you need. I'm a couple of decades younger than you, one of the TS guys is three decades younger than me.

You are not the only guy here who has experienced that. I will see if I can get the guys around.
@

 

[stillstanding2]

I will see if I can get the guys around.

I don't mind other people reading this, because I have learned some things that might be useful for everyone to know.

More and more boys are being born with the conditions, and I have some ideas of why. It is time to tear "top secret" off of the file, for the good of a lot of kids, parents, and even their doctors. I have found that mental health people are utterly clueless about this cause of deep trauma. Even my urologist said that his training in the subject amounted to about an afternoon of classes.

Thanks for the help.

 

[stillstanding2]

I don't mind other people reading this, because I have learned some things that might be useful f...

(Deep breathe) OK, so I had the first surgery, which amounted to relieving the skin tension causing the chordee. In the hospital five days in bed, catherized and drugged. My shame at having nurses even change my urine bottle overrode the pain of urinating. I had a lot of pain and itching under the bandages, but ddin't complain for fear of being looked at. When I bled through the bandages, and they found out, they removed the bandages to find a lot of infection. Another week and I went home, taught to change my own dressings. Peeing was painful work, and I had to have more antibiotics and probably anti-inflammatories.

Of course by then, I had learned that I would need other surgeries to make a full-length urethra. I started school soon after, and mostly hid, crying. My parents were loving but they knew nothing of my shame and anxiety. I settled into possible dissociation, hanging onto the fantasy that everything has a happy ending...someday. While I had become a daydreamer earlier, it became my usual behavior--unless disturbed by someone, at which point I had a shock of fear.

There were no special favors at school to help the fact that I was nearly blind. I couldn't see the blackboard, since we were seated in alphabetical order. My name was at the end of the alphabet, so I sat at the back of the room. That was some comfort because I was less visible. I did develop a talent for memorizing what the teacher said, since I couldn't tell what she was pointing at. And after school, I played alone.

I had a few injuries that aggravated my surgical scars and broke a couple of stitches. So I had recurrent infections, all of which required medical viewing and treatment and my being subjected to hearing myself talked "about" rather than "with". I had crying spells that I learned to explain as headaches. People seemed to accept that without further explanation, and I took their aspirins.

Some other, unrelated things happened to keep me hypersensitive, but I'll spare those.

Skip forward a few years to when I was already into puberty at 13, and my parents had saved the money for the next surgery.

(Whew!) This is hard. I hope it's not boring you. I do have a reason for describing so much. But I need another break for now. Thanks for listening.
I'll be back.

 

[Mit]

Hi @stillstanding2 I've just been reading your posts on this thread and I wanted to say how sorry I am that you suffered (unnecessarily) due to your medical conditions.

@Anarchy prompted me to read this thread and I'm glad he did.

I can absolutely relate to the traumatic experiences you have described so far regarding hypospadias. I was also born with the condition and it is one of the main reasons I am here on this forum.

I explained some of my own experiences in my introduction here:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/childhood-medical-treatment-or-sexual-abuse.48200/#post-768382

I've got better at talking about my own experiences (with support and encouragement from brilliant folk on the forum) and it has helped me. I'm happy to listen, read and share as much or as little as you are comfortable with, there is no rush.

Keep well,

Mit

 

[stillstanding2]

I can absolutely relate to the traumatic experiences you have described so far regarding hypospadias. I was also born with the condition and it is one of the main reasons I am here on this forum.

Pleased to meet you, @Mit! I shall read your story when I feel it is time. I'm quite curious about it.

For now though, I'm sorting through the things I personally have experienced and can say for sure. I don't want to accidentally borrow from anyone while I'm searching for my own interpretation. You probably know as well as I that after decades of secrecy, it is hard to unwrap facts that you, yourself, have tried to forget.

Once I am sure about my own facts, I look froward to discussion and I hope plenty of questions which might help me and others further. However, I am not doing this in an emergency of any kind. I just feel compelled to share some things I've thought about regarding my hypospadias and its consequences.

Believe it or not, at my age (69) I now know that some consequences have been good. And I'm really disappointed that the old public ignorance of the problem still exists. Thanks so much for writing, and I welcome any comments or questions.

 

[stillstanding2]

You are not the only guy here who has experienced that.

Thanks for connecting me with @Mit. I hope too that by the time I've written as much context as I need to, that women also will join the dsicussion. Hypospadias is here to stay, and is effecting millions of boys and men and their families. I read in one place that it is now the second most common birth anomaly in newborn boys.

Thanks for your support.

 

[stillstanding2]

Skip forward a few years to when I was already into puberty at 13, and my parents had saved the money for the next surgery.

OK, Chapter Two...

So, my childhood and adolescence had already molded my constant fear and shyness. I already felt like a freak with an unbearable secret, that if made public might end any chance of being "normal". By aqe 13, I was desperate. When I went into surgery the second time, I thought of it as my only chance. But I was terrified, since hope had long disappeared. I was panicked, and tried not to show it. I'm sure I dissociated into somebody else's brave little boy.

I recall knowing that I was being put in the doctor's hands in the most sensitive way I knew of. There was some consolation that these surgeries were far away from my small home town, since I perceived that anyone at the hospital could casually mention my "deformity" to anyone else. Still I knew that some people at home knew I was having an operation, and I feared that they also might talk about it openly, or ask questions.

The first surgery had successfully allowed my penis to straighten as I grew. The second surgery was to extent my urethra. I experienced more pain and infections afterward, and of course enormous embarrassment.

I had begun puberty, and the presence of young nurses, especially changing my dressings, was blindingly humiliating. Part of the pain resulted during spontaneous erections while being touched by them.

I think also that I must have been given estrogen during that time to control my erections. A side effect of that was that I noticed my nipples plumping up, itching and getting sore against my hospital gown. Added terror of possibly growing obvious breasts! And I couldn't even tell my mother of that.

So much of that hospital stay is vague. I do strongly recall though that when my surgeon made his rounds one day,, he brought a stream of what must have been students with him to explain his work. He uncovered me, spread out an assortment of before-and-after pictures that I hadn't dreamed existed, delivered a short lecture, answered questions and urged the students to take a closer look. I was a specimen.

Out of modesty, my mother had left the room. And as much as she loved me, I don't think she wanted to know details. I don't know how long I was in shock.

(Damn! Break time! I dearly hope I'm not wasting any reader's time. I do have points to make.)

 

[Nikie]

that women also will join the dsicussion.

I don't want to participate in this discussion cos it felt like its something between men.. But thanks for the invitation.
And I would like to give you a big :hug::hug::hug: hug and just say thank you for opening up .. By this you opened my eyes to see some things in a hole different way.

From the eye problem, I learned as a toddler what it was like to be ridiculed and bullied for being different.

You had have no child life .. That's terrible living in fear all day .. I feel so encradibly sorry for kids that is bullied .. Is their any solution for bullying ..any at all. :grumpy:

had begun puberty, and the presence of young nurses,

I do ask forgiveness but you did put a smile on my face..
Its such a natural thing to hapen everything about it. The erection being humiliated the nurses being uncomfortable everything is so normal. But are experienced so painfully humiliating.
I think by this time you were so fed up for people " torring" over there..

He uncovered me, spread out an assortment of before-and-after pictures that I hadn't dreamed existed,

I can handle a lot but not this part. f*ck did he ad permission. Did he talked to either you or your parents about this. Shit as hole. " ek is nou so woedend ek kan slange vang!!!"
Were he allowed to do that in those days..
This is upsetting me a lot. :confused:

I am so thankful my boys are all normal.
But all of these are so good to know.
You reserve a brake time
<~~~:hug::hug::hug: ~~~>

I would like to here the rest of your story

 

[Anarchy]

Hugs stillstanding. I don't know if I made clear that I have no conscious memory of what happened to me. I'm guessing that it would have been so much worse for you and Mit, knowing what was coming.

I have unconscious memories, as the limbic system which deals with fear, is fully operational and is learning from three months before birth!

This stuff is hard. Rightly or wrongly, our genitals have a hugely disproportionate impact on how others see us, and how we see ourselves.

Reclaiming them as our own seems to have been a lifelong task for us.

That's something that I'd like to bring up in another thread when we are all ready, and invite some of our Trans gender people to contribute too ( we have at least 3 f >m trans gender members that I'm aware of). Again, they are seeking to claim their bodies back for themselves.

Please take your time, pace your posts within your own ability to handle what is coming up, your first duty is to your own safety and recovery.

Incidentally, I strongly identify with being a daydreamer!
Hugs
@
Ps
Nipples hardening up and standing proud can be a normal part of male puberty. Not saying that you didn't get chemicals, or wasn't difficult, just that it can be normal too.

 

[stillstanding2]

Nipples hardening up and standing proud can be a normal part of male puberty.

Hah! Well I knew that at the time, but I actually felt new swellings under my nipples! That faded quickly, although my nipples are still a couple of my hot spots under better circumstances.

Thanks for your comments. I'll wind up this intense phase of the story soon, but I want to get it right for once. Nikie says she feels as if this is a discussion only for men, but I didn't mean for it to be.

I think women ought to understand as much about hypospadias as they can, since most adults have known probably several men with the problem, and never realized it--even if it is a cause of major maladjustment. Who knows how many men with hypospadias have been among those who "go postal" or commit suicide.

Incidentally, hypospadias is not an intersex condition, but a disruption in the development of an already-male fetus. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Thanks again.

 

[stillstanding2]

I do ask forgiveness but you did put a smile on my face..
Its such a natural thing to hapen everything about it. The erection being humiliated the nurses being uncomfortable everything is so normal. But are experienced so painfully humiliating.
I think by this time you were so fed up for people " torring" over there..

No apology necessary. It's funny to me sometimes now. I just couldn't handle it then. I'm sure some of those nurse's aides took it as a complement.

 

[Anarchy]

As I get older, I've come to regard external genetalia as having more in common between the genders than some other aspects of life have.

Mmmmmm nipples are little treasures that we all have....

Both of those ideas were far from obvious when we were in our teens, and would have benefitted most from being in possession of them.