I Struggle Even With A Hug

[Brokensoul88]

My T tells me sometimes she wishes she could give me a hug & comfort me because I am not kind to myself. She is such a lovely person but any physical contact I find difficult, even with friend I have known for years. I wish I could be ok with it, but even hugs make me think of 'him' at work a really nice colleague gave me a hug when she met me for the first time and I wasn't expecting it, it was so uncomfortable. Well for me, she may not have even noticed my suddenly tense posture.

When I went on training the male teacher put his hand on my shoulder, he didn't mean anything by it, it was like his version of a pat on the back. But to me it was an electric shock-probably more because it was a man & he was stood behind me but nevertheless and my skin burned, after that I couldn't concentrate on the training.

I didn't want to admit to my T that I long to be held because I'm afraid if she offered I may say yes & then what if I either freak out or I break down and become a sobbing mess? I can't even comfortably hug my mum and I love her to bits and if I can't hug my mum I almost feel ashamed to accept one from anyone else

 

[LuckyDuck]

It sounds like something I struggled with awhile back. I used exposure therapy to help. Physical contact can be trying. The way you describe it sounds like hypersensitivity.

Exposure therapy would start out small. It wouldn't go full on you having to take hugs from a person, my guess is with an inanimate object like a pillow.

Are you open to that type of approach?

LD

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Agreeing with ducky, (can I call you that).

This is most probably hypersensitivity, but that can be dealt with, though it's better to start small.

It's okay to be that way, you went through a lot, don't blame yourself.

Sending :hug:s Hopefully it goes better for you with time :)

 

[Gadgie]

I always get really nervous if someone tries to hug me, even when I met my sister for the first time in years.............I feel awkward and tense, in fact the only person in my whole life who I felt comfortable with was my late wife.

 

[Brokensoul88]

Exposure therapy would start out small. It wouldn't go full on you having to take hugs from a person, my guess is with an inanimate object like a pillow.

Sometimes when I'm really worked up & in bed I hug my extra pillow, it's almost like I'm giving a hug to someone but it gives me a little comfort. Now if that was say, someone putting a blanket around me they would have to give me the blanket & I'd put it around myself. Thank you for the advice LuckyDuck

 

[Brokensoul88]

the only person in my whole life who I felt comfortable with was my late wife.

That is testimant to her that she made you so at ease, I know a lot of people who aren't comfortable with hugs (not to my extent, but you see my point). I hope that you can find that again one day

 

[Gadgie]

Ah! I don't think that will ever happen now, I'm too old for a start, and I'm all mixed up now.

Like I said in another thread, I don't think I will ever be another relationship again, I've nothing left to offer or give, I'm like an empty shell now?

Like the last verse in that poem I wrote..........

I know I shouldn't live in the past,
And that life must carry on,
But where's the shame in coming last,
When your reason for winning has gone.

 

[Brokensoul88]

I know I shouldn't live in the past,
And that life must carry on,
But where's the shame in coming last,
When your reason for winning has gone.

That is beautiful and heartbreaking in equal measure. Whatever you find in the future I hope you can find peace from it even if you can't get hugs :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that maybe you could talk about this with your therapist, and then when you're ready you could try hugging her. This would probably be the safest situation in which to start hugging another human. Your therapist will know it's a great struggle for you and won't judge you if you do get upset or have a breakdown. She could help you work through your difficulties. Of course, when you are ready.

 

[Gadgie]

Thanks for that, I'm not getting any therapy just now, I'm still on the waiting list?

 

[Friday]

My first thought was exactly what @LuckyDuck said.

When there's something I want? That's an even better motivator than something that pisses me off for sneaking up on the edges of it & pushing the boundaries (exposure therapy). The only downside, is that when I'm pissed off about something, it's fairly straightforward. When it's something I want I have to also deal with the "This is stupid. It's stupid to want X." getting in my way as much as my physical reaction to even coming within 10 miles of what I want getting in my way.

 

[Kintsugi]

If my T tried to hug me, I would be stuck to the ceiling fan in .2 seconds like a cat avoiding bath time.

That aside, it sounds like this is something you want to get easier in your life.

How are you with other, less encompassing forms of touch (like handshakes)?