General Being A Supporter And Increasing My Aid

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess the one issue that I have is that my anger can be rather explosive.

Thats what im talking about.

And realizing that its the past, it happened, nothing we can do to change it but she is her and now and put your mind to the now and how to better yourselves now can help.

Does that make sense or help any?

 

[Ronin]

Learn to use anger for constructivity, then.

It doesn't have to be intimidating. Intimidation is a use, not something linked to anger. Anger's just a state, how you put it in action is entirely a matter of choice.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Learn to use anger for constructivity, then.

Good advise!

You do martial arts, right?

Doing that, taking anger out there, does that help any?

 

[Sgt Taco]

Thats what im talking about.

And realizing that its the past, it happened, nothing we can do...

It is helpful, thank you. However the act of not being angry I guess is only going to come with time, no?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm not sure how you could better process your anger towards the person who hurt her... My sufferer is a combat vet, so I don't have a particular person to focus on. I get angry that he was disabled as a young man. I get angry that it was a pointless war. I'm sickened at the thought of what he saw... But no matter what I think or feel, it doesn't change the past. What happened happened, and there's no fixing it or changing it. I think eventually you (as in the collective you) just come to a point of acceptance. It is what it is... Even if it sucks large-time. I would do anything to turn back the clock and protect him...but it's not realistic. Our sufferers have to deal with their past traumas every day, us expending energy on it as well isn't going to do anybody any good.

I absolutely acknowledge his traumas, understand how they impacted him, allow myself to feel what I feel about them, and listen to him anytime he wants to talk about them... But I cannot carry them around with me.

A little advice from a supporter...

Standard procedures for helping her are in place; reassuring her that she's Ok, explaining the logic behind what's happening and always listening to what she needs to say or explain

This is all well and good, but be careful of trying to "logic" her emotions too much. That can set my vet off big time. It can seem invalidating sometimes.

Other than that it sounds like you have a good start to being a very supportive partner. Educating yourself about PTSD and joining this forum are great steps too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It is helpful, thank you. However the act of not being angry I guess is only going to come with time, no?

Not fully as we should be angry at the act of what someone did but it doesnt have to effect us now or allow them to take our power away now. They did that back then, they dont have to do that now. That will come w/ time if you allow it to. Putting your mind to her and the here and now does help, a lot.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But no matter what I think or feel, it doesn't change the past. What happened happened, and there's no fixing it or changing it. I think eventually you (as in the collective you) just come to a point of acceptance. It is what it is... Even if it sucks large-time.

That! Thats what im saying.

 

[Sgt Taco]

I'm not sure how you could better process your anger towards the person who hurt her... My sufferer i...

the reason we use logic is due to her being a logical person studying a logical degree. It helps to bring her back to earth by explaining why what she is feeling is not logical and also helps me to cope with the effect.
I understand the irrationality behind it, don't worry. However it seems to help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

why what she is feeling is not logical and also helps me to cope with the effect.

Be careful with that though.

Something i learned in therapy, feelings are feelings; they are neither right or wrong, they are what you feel.

Thoughts on the other hand are right or wrong but its ok to feel what you feel.

 

[Sgt Taco]

Be careful with that though.

Something i learned in therapy, feelings are feelings; they are...

I think I'm doing a bad job explaining myself. I don't judge whether it is right or wrong, it is not my place to say that and therefore we don't discuss the correctness of the feelings. However we do speak about the possibility of it occuring- in all all aspects.

I use it as a time to try to understand the cause of the trigger and therefore what to avoid or be careful of later on. It's my coping strategy and allows me time to get what occurred into my head.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think anger can be a good thing! I know anger is unwanted by many, but I see it as an emotion that can spurn a lot of change. I don't know if I would focus on getting rid of the anger. I think perhaps it's best to examine why you feel this way. In your case the anger comes from the fact that this perpetrator hurt someone you love very much. I assure you that your feelings of anger are quite natural and to be expected.

When she is upset and comes to you, I understand why you are trying to calm her down. However, you are now a part of this equation and your feelings are quite valid. I urge you to find a way to deal with your feelings outside of her. Maybe this involves stepping away during those moments. She may get upset if you do this, however your job isn't to be a therapist and listen to everything she has to say. Maybe this sounds hurtful, but if there are things that she says that push you to the edge, then it seems that boundaries are needed. Is she in therapy? If not, I urge her to go and find a therapist. Again, it's not your job to fix her. You are a human and you have your limitations (just as we all do). I think that healthy separation is needed and she also needs to work on finding outside support. A partner is not meant to be a surrogate therapist.

 

[Sgt Taco]

I think anger can be a good thing! I know anger is unwanted by many, but I see it as an emotion th...

we live roughly 50 miles away now due to university, so constant proximity isn't necessarily possible. It also hasn't reached the point where flashbacks are common occurrence again, only when she's stressed, tired etc. You know, more vulnerable mindsets. Therefore all people involved that know don't believe that she yet requires expensive therapy again.
I hadn't considered stepping away as an option because I thought it would do more harm than good, both to me and her. It's not what she says that pushes me to the edge, more the fact that there's someone who would dare hurt her.